Thursday, April 16, 2009
I'll just let these teabagger's teabaggers speak for themselve's themselves.
They seem competnt competent to do so.
Friday, April 10, 2009
A tip of my frilly Easter bonnet to Mikey-Mike for providing the inspiration for the topic and the link for this week’s #1.
The Easter bunny’s top five complaints about her job:
5. “The price of jelly beans keeps going up, I got a subprime mortgage on my hutch, and now Santa wants a friggin’ bailout because the North Pole is ‘too big to fail.’”
4. “Can we just pick a date and stick with it? The first Sunday following the first full moon that occurs on or after the spring equinox – try putting that in your Outlook calendar.”
3. “The Tooth Fairy keeps nagging me to switch to sugar-free marshmallow peeps.”
2. “Every year I get chased all over this yard in Montana because some crazy lady told her dog I’m a round-tailed, floppy-eared squirrel.”
1. “Think this is amazing? Try laying the damned eggs in the first place.”
The Easter bunny’s top five complaints about her job:
5. “The price of jelly beans keeps going up, I got a subprime mortgage on my hutch, and now Santa wants a friggin’ bailout because the North Pole is ‘too big to fail.’”
4. “Can we just pick a date and stick with it? The first Sunday following the first full moon that occurs on or after the spring equinox – try putting that in your Outlook calendar.”
3. “The Tooth Fairy keeps nagging me to switch to sugar-free marshmallow peeps.”
2. “Every year I get chased all over this yard in Montana because some crazy lady told her dog I’m a round-tailed, floppy-eared squirrel.”
1. “Think this is amazing? Try laying the damned eggs in the first place.”
The Miracle Worker: The Doggie Version
Woody goes out every morning around 5 when Dean gets up, and then he usually goes back to bed and settles down until I get up. Not yesterday. He was all antsy, in “please let me out” mode, so I got up and let him out. As soon as he came back in he wanted out again. And again.
He usually settles down in my office for the first couple of hours of my workday, but nope, same thing. “Let me out,” and as soon as he came in he wanted to go out again. That was getting old so I quit letting him out. He wandered aimlessly around my office for a bit, and then finally I heard something I hadn’t heard in months. He was drinking from his water bowl.
We keep his bowls filled, of course, but he hadn’t touched them in months. He was getting all his water from snow. But I guess this morning he was out of luck since the snow has melted. He must have been thirsty as hell when he finally figured out the whole “water bowl” thing. He drank the whole bowl. I filled it up again and he drank almost another whole bowl.
This morning when Dean got up it was the same routine. Woody went out, then wanted to go out again, then was uncharacteristically antsy. Dean made sure that Woody saw him adding a little more water to his bowl. As Dean said, “You could actually see the light bulb go on above his head."
"I’m so thirsty. I wish he’d let me out to look for snow. Hmm, that guy’s pouring some liquid into that round thing on the floor . . . round thing . . . liquid . . . water! That’s my water bowl! When there isn’t any snow, I can drink water inside!" Sort of like a doggie version of that scene in The Miracle Worker.
Yes, he apparently forgot he has bowls of water inside as a last-ditch alternative to the delicious snow, and the poor goofball was so thirsty he didn’t know what to do. I know he ate a lot of snow this winter, but I never thought a dog could actually forget how to drink water.
He usually settles down in my office for the first couple of hours of my workday, but nope, same thing. “Let me out,” and as soon as he came in he wanted to go out again. That was getting old so I quit letting him out. He wandered aimlessly around my office for a bit, and then finally I heard something I hadn’t heard in months. He was drinking from his water bowl.
We keep his bowls filled, of course, but he hadn’t touched them in months. He was getting all his water from snow. But I guess this morning he was out of luck since the snow has melted. He must have been thirsty as hell when he finally figured out the whole “water bowl” thing. He drank the whole bowl. I filled it up again and he drank almost another whole bowl.
This morning when Dean got up it was the same routine. Woody went out, then wanted to go out again, then was uncharacteristically antsy. Dean made sure that Woody saw him adding a little more water to his bowl. As Dean said, “You could actually see the light bulb go on above his head."
"I’m so thirsty. I wish he’d let me out to look for snow. Hmm, that guy’s pouring some liquid into that round thing on the floor . . . round thing . . . liquid . . . water! That’s my water bowl! When there isn’t any snow, I can drink water inside!" Sort of like a doggie version of that scene in The Miracle Worker.
Yes, he apparently forgot he has bowls of water inside as a last-ditch alternative to the delicious snow, and the poor goofball was so thirsty he didn’t know what to do. I know he ate a lot of snow this winter, but I never thought a dog could actually forget how to drink water.
Friday, April 3, 2009
They’re geeks. They should have known better. For April Fool’s Day the guys at Think Geek posted a new item: a tauntaun sleeping bag, complete with saddle and a glowing light saber zipper pull. After being inundated with orders, they admitted it was a prank, and they’re going to try to talk to the “suits at LucasFilms” to see if they can get a license to produce the sleeping bag after all.
Top five April Fool’s Day pranks:
5. “Welcome to MSNBC! Your new show will be a great addition to our lineup.”
4. “Mr. Bush, we were just kidding about that Obama fella. Get back to the White House, because you’re president for life!”
3. “Starting this week, we’re replacing ‘casual Fridays’ with ‘assless chaps Thursdays.’”
2. “Hello, Wall Street? This is the U. S. Treasury. We did mention that you have to pay that money back, didn’t we?”
1. “Hey Pat, great news! We got two new clients: Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow!”
Top five April Fool’s Day pranks:
5. “Welcome to MSNBC! Your new show will be a great addition to our lineup.”
4. “Mr. Bush, we were just kidding about that Obama fella. Get back to the White House, because you’re president for life!”
3. “Starting this week, we’re replacing ‘casual Fridays’ with ‘assless chaps Thursdays.’”
2. “Hello, Wall Street? This is the U. S. Treasury. We did mention that you have to pay that money back, didn’t we?”
1. “Hey Pat, great news! We got two new clients: Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow!”
Friday, March 27, 2009
So, what’s it been like in Bismarck, North Dakota this week? An ice jam to the north, an ice jam to the south, and in between a whole lot of worried residents. But also a whole lot of volunteers. And the good news is the waters are receding.
Top five things Bismarck really needs right now:
5. To control those ice jams: sharks with friggin’ laser beams on their heads.
4. Some *real* sandbaggers. Because when the call for sandbaggers went out, it didn’t help when all Dean’s old golf buddies showed up.
3. For all those real sandbaggers: 100-gallon drums filled with Aspercreme, Ben-Gay and Icy Hot.
2. A frosty mug of beer. A nice glass of merlot. A stiff shot of tequila. A drink of anything, anything except icy water.
1. The world’s biggest ShamWow.
Top five things Bismarck really needs right now:
5. To control those ice jams: sharks with friggin’ laser beams on their heads.
4. Some *real* sandbaggers. Because when the call for sandbaggers went out, it didn’t help when all Dean’s old golf buddies showed up.
3. For all those real sandbaggers: 100-gallon drums filled with Aspercreme, Ben-Gay and Icy Hot.
2. A frosty mug of beer. A nice glass of merlot. A stiff shot of tequila. A drink of anything, anything except icy water.
1. The world’s biggest ShamWow.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Damn you, Tina Fey
She totally stole my idea for getting out of jury duty by dressing up as Princess Leia and claiming to be a hologram. So far I still have the jury duty thing coming up Monday. I'll find out after 5 today if the case is still going to trial.
Top five excuses for getting out of jury duty:
5. "Aww, come on, who *hasn't* gotten drunk, stolen a bulldozer and knocked down some trees and a power line or two? Around here, that's considered a great first date."
4. "Can Woody sit in the jury box with me? He's my 'human whisperer.'"
3. "Let's skip all the boring testimony and stuff and get straight to the Chewbacca defense."
2. “Could you explain the charges in 140 characters or less? I gotta Twitter this.”
1. "Sorry I sat in the wrong place, your honor. I'm just so used to being the defendant."
Top five excuses for getting out of jury duty:
5. "Aww, come on, who *hasn't* gotten drunk, stolen a bulldozer and knocked down some trees and a power line or two? Around here, that's considered a great first date."
4. "Can Woody sit in the jury box with me? He's my 'human whisperer.'"
3. "Let's skip all the boring testimony and stuff and get straight to the Chewbacca defense."
2. “Could you explain the charges in 140 characters or less? I gotta Twitter this.”
1. "Sorry I sat in the wrong place, your honor. I'm just so used to being the defendant."
Friday, March 6, 2009
Seems like I’m always in the pool for jury duty. I served once in North Dakota, but that doesn’t count out here so I’m on standby for a case on March 16. The ND case was a boring DUI. I’m sure they’ll have more interesting cases in Montana.
Top five possibilities for a Montana trial:
5. Failure to obey the state’s gun laws. By not owning enough of them.
4. Giving aid and comfort to enemy squirrels by supplying sunflower seeds . . . hey, wait a minute. Woody’s been using my subpoena-o-matic again. Bad dog!
3. Murder. Although “the sumbitch needed killing, yer honor” is considered a strong defense out here.
2. Being a tree-hugging feminist blue-voting Obama-suppporting liberal Democrat. Oh my god. It’s a trick. I’m not on jury duty. I’m the defendant!
1. Assaultwith on an antler.
This one needs an explanation. Awhile back there was a typical “police blotter” story on the news about a man who had beaten his wife with an elk antler. It stirred up some local outrage. See, the antler was a prize trophy worth quite a few points on the Boone and Crocket scale. And he broke it. Guy beating his wife? Meh. Guy breaking a trophy elk antler – now THAT got people pissed off.
If you don’t hear from me after March 16, #2 was probably correct. I’d ask my co-workers to be witnesses for the defense, but you all know I’m guilty as hell.
Top five possibilities for a Montana trial:
5. Failure to obey the state’s gun laws. By not owning enough of them.
4. Giving aid and comfort to enemy squirrels by supplying sunflower seeds . . . hey, wait a minute. Woody’s been using my subpoena-o-matic again. Bad dog!
3. Murder. Although “the sumbitch needed killing, yer honor” is considered a strong defense out here.
2. Being a tree-hugging feminist blue-voting Obama-suppporting liberal Democrat. Oh my god. It’s a trick. I’m not on jury duty. I’m the defendant!
1. Assault
This one needs an explanation. Awhile back there was a typical “police blotter” story on the news about a man who had beaten his wife with an elk antler. It stirred up some local outrage. See, the antler was a prize trophy worth quite a few points on the Boone and Crocket scale. And he broke it. Guy beating his wife? Meh. Guy breaking a trophy elk antler – now THAT got people pissed off.
If you don’t hear from me after March 16, #2 was probably correct. I’d ask my co-workers to be witnesses for the defense, but you all know I’m guilty as hell.
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