By now you’ve seen it all and the blogs are buzzing about the convention, so I’ll just link to our Montana guv, Brian Schweitzer. Unless you switched over to C-SPAN you missed him, so check it out on Youtube..
Fun fact: when a reporter commented that he was getting a prime spot on the speaking schedule, right before Hillary, he poo-pooed the notion that he was becoming a party bigwig: “Shucks, everyone who ever shot a gopher’s speaking at this thing.” And from the local paper, when asked about getting the crowd revved up: “Some of these other folks are used to speechifyin' in front of the bigshots, and everybody sits on their hind end. If you're gonna win an election, you need people involved.” Yes, he really talks like that.
All in all, the Democratic convention will be a hell of an act to follow. Top five predictions for the Republican convention:
5. John McCain spotted wandering around the upper class part of town with a fistful of keys, trying various doors and muttering, “I was sure I owned a house here somewhere.”
4. The vigorous vetting process for the VP slot: “We finally found someone who hasn’t been indicted!”
3. The most popular photo op: take a picture of your “stance” in the Larry Craig stall at the Mpls. airport.
2. Cindy McCain’s speech about family
values, transportation, real estate, health care, and how elitist those rich stuck-up Obamas are.
1. Bitterness, acrimony and in-fighting – and that’s just among the MSNBC anchors.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Last week’s mail contained a familiar-looking envelope from the county courthouse. I’m always in the friggin’ jury pool. Top five ways to get out of jury duty:
5. “Sorry I’m late, your honor. I had trouble getting my tin foil hat through the metal detector.”
4. “We’re supposed to vote guilty or not guilty? I thought we were supposed to vote hot or not hot.”
3. “Of course I can be objective. It’s those stupid aliens from Zontar who keep beaming ‘guilty!’ into my brain.”
2. “No offense to the defendant, but I’m saving myself for the trial of the next indicted Congressman.”
1. “I can’t spare the time until after the election. I’m the campaign manager for the next president of the United States.”
5. “Sorry I’m late, your honor. I had trouble getting my tin foil hat through the metal detector.”
4. “We’re supposed to vote guilty or not guilty? I thought we were supposed to vote hot or not hot.”
3. “Of course I can be objective. It’s those stupid aliens from Zontar who keep beaming ‘guilty!’ into my brain.”
2. “No offense to the defendant, but I’m saving myself for the trial of the next indicted Congressman.”
1. “I can’t spare the time until after the election. I’m the campaign manager for the next president of the United States.”
Friday, August 8, 2008
Paris for President
Paris Hilton?
Yeah, like we’d elect a vapid moron whose laughable “qualifications” are limited to being born into a wealthy and powerful family. Someone with embarrassing videos all over the internet. Someone apparently incapable of the most basic intellectual activities, like reading and understanding.
Then again, when it comes to stupid reasons to vote for someone, maybe self-proclaimed hotness is the new “I'd like to have a beer with that guy.” What the hell – top five highlights of a Paris Hilton presidency:
5. “I don’t know about, you know, presidential platforms and stuff, but I’m totally in favor of platform shoes.”
4. Office of the Vice President renamed to Office of My BFF.
3. The hair-pulling catfight between Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears over who gets the new cabinet post of “Secretary of Skankitude.”
2. Immediate extraordinary rendition with extreme prejudice for everyone who panned her performance in “House of Wax.” Which would be everyone who reviewed “House of Wax.” Or saw “House of Wax.”
1. The embarrassing press conference where she talks about her positions on offshore drilling before Helen Thomas clarifies, “I meant for oil.”
Yeah, like we’d elect a vapid moron whose laughable “qualifications” are limited to being born into a wealthy and powerful family. Someone with embarrassing videos all over the internet. Someone apparently incapable of the most basic intellectual activities, like reading and understanding.
Then again, when it comes to stupid reasons to vote for someone, maybe self-proclaimed hotness is the new “I'd like to have a beer with that guy.” What the hell – top five highlights of a Paris Hilton presidency:
5. “I don’t know about, you know, presidential platforms and stuff, but I’m totally in favor of platform shoes.”
4. Office of the Vice President renamed to Office of My BFF.
3. The hair-pulling catfight between Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears over who gets the new cabinet post of “Secretary of Skankitude.”
2. Immediate extraordinary rendition with extreme prejudice for everyone who panned her performance in “House of Wax.” Which would be everyone who reviewed “House of Wax.” Or saw “House of Wax.”
1. The embarrassing press conference where she talks about her positions on offshore drilling before Helen Thomas clarifies, “I meant for oil.”
Friday, August 1, 2008
Sweet Savage Justice
You know the story by now. A government scandal involving a young woman named Monica and her forbidden passion for a president. She could not be satisfied by long, lingering glances over heavily redacted personnel files. Alone in her office, as she Googled far into the lonely night, she gazed up at the presidential portrait hanging above her, the image so tantalizingly near.
Since she couldn’t give him the one thing he truly wanted – a third war to botch – she gave him a corrupt and hopelessly politicized Department of Justice that pulped every applicant through her bizarre political sieve to strain out the impurities of experience, competence, rational thought and Democratic spouses. And gayness, but that goes without saying.
Top five questions Monica Goodling asked prospective employees of the Justice Department:
5. “If loving Bush is wrong, would you want to be right?”
4. “Okay, I know this is a tough one, but Hoover, Reagan or Bush: which president is the dreamiest?”
3. “Don’t you think that Condi Rice should stay overseas all the time and not hang around the Oval Office making big moony eyes at MY president?”
2. “I know Cheney is hot, but don’t you think Bush is hotter?”
1. “George Bush: great president, or the greatest president?”
Since she couldn’t give him the one thing he truly wanted – a third war to botch – she gave him a corrupt and hopelessly politicized Department of Justice that pulped every applicant through her bizarre political sieve to strain out the impurities of experience, competence, rational thought and Democratic spouses. And gayness, but that goes without saying.
Top five questions Monica Goodling asked prospective employees of the Justice Department:
5. “If loving Bush is wrong, would you want to be right?”
4. “Okay, I know this is a tough one, but Hoover, Reagan or Bush: which president is the dreamiest?”
3. “Don’t you think that Condi Rice should stay overseas all the time and not hang around the Oval Office making big moony eyes at MY president?”
2. “I know Cheney is hot, but don’t you think Bush is hotter?”
1. “George Bush: great president, or the greatest president?”
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