Made it . . .

The tile is in and we made it with one half of a tile to spare. I should frame the leftover half-tile and hang it up in the finished room as a monument to our stupidity. Gotta run to Kalispell today for more grout. No, we didn't get the math wrong on that. The instructions say each package is good for 55 square feet but in reality it only covers about 40. The coffered ceiling is being trimmed out today. I'll post some pics of that when it's done.

Election night is to me what the World Series or Super Bowl is to a sports fan. I make a platter of party snacks, commandeer the remote control and skip around through all the news channels, and hop around online through the political blogosphere. But all the bullshit does start getting old by election day. Top five things I’m glad I won’t be hearing any more after Tuesday:

5. Lipstick, pigs, hockey moms, and Joe the Plumber, my friends.

4. “The _________ campaign has thrown _________ under the bus.”

3. Anything at all from profoundly stupid soon-to-be-former congresswoman Michele Bachmann.

2. A noun, a verb, and “maverick.”

1. “Karen, please stop yelling at the TV. You’re scaring the hell out of the dog.”

We’re idiots when it comes to home improvement, but you’d think we could do basic math. We measured our kitchen and dining floors about a hundred times. We planned for 250 square feet of tile, including overage. So we picked out some tile and wanted 20 boxes to ensure ample overage but they only had 19. Okay, we bought it all. Should be enough and we can probably take one or maybe even two boxes back.



As the tile went in yesterday I thought the pile of boxes was getting smaller a lot faster than the area that remained to be tiled was disappearing. Then I realized why. We had originally planned to put the cabinets in, and tile up to them. Change in plans – instead we’re tiling the whole area, including under where the cabinets will be. But like the boneheads we are, we forgot to increase the square footage to account for the extra tile.

So for those of you playing along, here are the actual numbers: square footage to be tiled: 260. Square feet of tile we bought: 261.5. We counted it off yesterday about a dozen times. Based on the remaining tile and remaining area to be tiled, our overage, which should be ten percent, now stands at half a tile. Dean’s on hot standby to run to Missoula if needed, and tile guy will be making his cuts very carefully.

The subject of dog names came up around the office last week, and it turns out a coworker has a dog named Honey. Hmmm –

Top five things that might sound funny to the neighbors if they don’t know Honey is your dog’s name:

5. “Honey, drop that squirrel!”

4. “Ewww, Honey, don’t lick yourself there.”

3. “Honey, would you please stop peeing on my flowers.”

2. “Honey, I think it’s time we had you fixed.”

1. “Honey, I’m warning you for the last time. Stop humping that bitch from next door!”

We have walls!

And unlike our old ones, they're insulated.



The sheetrock is up and the ceiling’s going in.



Instead of the god-awful dropped ceiling with the hideous fluorescent light fixtures, we have recessed lighting in a coffered ceiling made from the same wood as the cabinets.



It’s really hard to take a picture of a patio door. From the outside I get glare and reflections, and from the inside there’s too much contrast. But anyway, the door has blinds between the glass panes. And unlike our old leaky door, there’s no duct tape involved.

Today the under-tile heating element is going down. So maybe tiling can start tomorrow. The cabinets are supposed to be ready next week. So in a couple of weeks we may have a kitchen again.

Change we can believe in . . . plus drywall!

Obama has a double-digit lead in the polls, he kicked McCain’s ass in the debate, and my kitchen is slowly coming back together. New patio door and kitchen window are in, insulation and drywall are up, and they should be able to start on the ceiling today. So, all in all, a pretty damn good week. Top five highlights:

5. McCain making a slight change in his tax policy: cuts for everyone except individuals in the newly-created “David Letterman” bracket.

4. A new patio door that doesn’t have a one-inch gap along the edge that’s sealed up with duct tape. Yes, our old one really did.

3. Palin breaking with McCain and naming a new running mate: Joe Sixpack.

2. McCain breaking with Palin and naming a new running mate: Joe the Plumber.

1. Contractors have finally stopped saying, “Hey, come and look at this. Wonder how long ago that crawled in there and died.”

The one cool thing in my sucky seventies kitchen

What’s that stainless steel plate in the middle of what used to be my kitchen counter? It’s the Ronson Foodmatic! It slices, it dices, it chops, it grates, it mixes and juices and crushes and even cooks. It’s pure appliance awesomeness. You just know this sucker was sold by a fast-talking pitchman on some late-night infomercial in the 70s. It’s positively Bass-o-matic. It was here when we bought the house in 2000, along with other 70s relics like lime green shag carpeting.

I couldn’t talk Dean into putting it in our new kitchen, though. “So we splurge on a granite countertop, then cut a hole in it for a 40-year-old appliance that will probably die in a week?” Okay. Point taken. But it’s been working all these years and may just outlast our new kitchen anyway.



Press the button and the plate flips up and here’s the base unit with the motor.



Below are two trays of attachments. It has everything you need:



Mixer with beaters and a dough hook.



Slicer/shredder with three blades.

There's also a meat grinder, juicer, coffee mill, blender, knife and scissors sharpener and more. Everything pops onto the base unit.



Deep fat cooker/tempura maker. The metal basket has a folding handle so it stores inside the cooking kettle. Make French fries, onion rings or anything that needs all that deep-fried goodness. It also has a paddle you can put in to stir your tempura for you.



Turn off the heat, put ice in the kettle and add this insert, and it’s an ice cream maker.



Still has the owner’s manual/recipe book and the diagram for how to put all the stuff away on the shelves.

The blender carafe is broken and the mixer has only one large bowl. It originally had a smaller one as well. Other than that, everything’s here and it all works. I used to use it all the time, but quit about a year ago when we got serious about remodeling. I figured I’d be putting it up on eBay and didn’t want to break anything.

So there was one cool thing in my old kitchen. But absolutely everything else sucked.

Signs of the times

Sure, anyone can put up a standard McCain/Palin yard sign, but shouldn’t his supporters be more creative? Original? Mavericky? As it turns out, they are. Top five homemade political signs:

We start with a twofer:



Isn’t it nice to have a front porch where you can enjoy some beverages with the neighbors, reminisce fondly about the War of Northern Aggression, and always get a laugh when you say “I’m going to rise again . . . and get another beer!”



Obama seems friendly and outgoing, but I don’t know if he’s the “socialest” guy in the country.

This one ups the ante on that handmade “Mavrick” poster from the convention:



Hey, maybe the mavrick guy from the convention helped this guy with his poster:





You are officially stupid. Mostly for wearing that shirt.



Hmm. Do you suppose he means “half-blend muslin”? Perhaps he’s trying to make a comment on Obama’s sartorial choices on the campaign trail. Then again, maybe not. This guy doesn’t seem to be much of a fashion plate.

As for my yard, soon it will be sporting this sign, even though only Woody, the squirrels and the UPS guy will see it:

They make it look so easy on TV . . .

DIY Network, HGTV, TLC -- we've just got to stop watching so much homeowner porn. Yesterday our kitchen went from this



to this.



How do you like it so far? Woody was amazed. "Wow, thanks guys! Look at all the room I have to play now!" Yeah, pup, that's why we gutted it. Most of the work is being done by a couple of contractors. When it comes to labor that requires actual skill, we not only have no delusions of grandeur, we have no delusions of adequacy. Now the big question is how many days, weeks, months will it be before I can post "after" pictures.

Choosing the single stupidest or ugliest feature of this throwback to the 70s represents a formidable challenge. Is it the dropped ceiling with the glaring fluorescent lights? Bonus: of the three light fixtures, only one works. Is it the chipped formica, the falling-apart cabinets, or in particular the ugly cabinet hardware, quirkily placed in the center of the doors? Also note the complete lack of insulation in the corner. I used to grab a coffee cup from that cupboard to froth milk for cappuccino, because the cups there were always nicely chilled. Now I know why.

Maybe it's the god-awful heater, the only source of heat in the room.



"Honey, I need a spice rack." "Sure thing, I'll just grab some scrap wood and nail up this piece o' crap. It'll look fine."



But the winner is this little switch:



It's for the garbage disposal. It's mounted on the cabinet just under the sink. So let's recap:

1. It's in a weird spot
2. It's crooked
3. Beige toggle switch, brown faceplate. Nice.
and of course
4. It's dangerous as hell because you turn the damn thing on accidentally every time you use the sink

In the top picture you might have wondered, "what the hell is that stainless steel plate in the middle of the counter?" In a later post I'll show you the only cool thing in the kitchen.

Favorite VP debate drinking game rule:

When Palin brings up the Bridge to Nowhere, ask your hosts for a drink, then say “thanks but no thanks,” drink it when no one’s looking, then claim you opposed having it served to you.

But Sarah’s real opponent in this election may be Katie Couric. Each new interview segment is like an episode of a bizarre reality show, with its own little moment of jaw-dropping what-the-hellness. She can’t name a single Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade? Really? Not even, say, this one?

The problem here isn’t “gotcha” journalism. It’s that with Palin, it’s so easy to “getcha.”

Top five questions the press is allowed to ask Sarah Palin:

5. “What can you see from your living room window, and how does that add to your qualifications to be vice president?”

4. Nothing that would require the correct pronunciation of “nuclear.”

3. “Moose or elk – which makes a tastier burger?”

2. “Are you going to respond with a memorized set of talking points no matter what this question is?”

1. And no matter what the question is, Palin reserves the right not to answer now, but “go find some answers and bring ‘em to ya.”