Because Paramount hasn’t yet milked the last drop from its Star Trek cash cow, now you can smell like the geek that you are, with Star Trek fragrances. There’s Tiberius, the man-musky Captain Kirk scent that’s irresistible to green-skinned space babes. Red Shirt, for the expendable man in your life. And Pon Farr, the logical choice for the ladies who want to drive their favorite Vulcan wild. Why stop there?
Top five other Star Trek fragrances:
5. Phaser: One drop is stunning. Two drops are killer.
4. Tribble: Sure to make his passion multiply.
3. Borg: Resistance to this fragrance is futile.
2. Warp Drive: Makes you want to break the laws of physics.
1. Holodeck: Smells like whatever the plot needs it to smell like.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Oh, those hilarious photos of you on Facebook. You know, the ones taken after you’d had a few too many tequila shooters. Your friends think they’re so funny. The human resources director who just interviewed you for your dream job might find them not so much funny as . . . informative. Forty-five percent of employers are now using social networking sites to research potential hires.
Top five things on your Facebook page that will really impress prospective employers:
5. The 25 – 30 lengthy, detailed updates every day, time-stamped as having been posted during working hours at your current job.
4. Access information for your company’s e-mail server, intranet, PayPal account and credit card info, to cleverly keep it handy in case you forget.
3. Helpful guides to beating drug tests, polygraph tests, and evading tricky questions like, “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?”
2. Your brilliant business plan: a) collect underpants, b) ????, c) profit!
1. Your resignation, crazy-ass rants about all the scary things in the proposed health care reform, and a picture of your husband’s bitchin’ new snow machine.
Top five things on your Facebook page that will really impress prospective employers:
5. The 25 – 30 lengthy, detailed updates every day, time-stamped as having been posted during working hours at your current job.
4. Access information for your company’s e-mail server, intranet, PayPal account and credit card info, to cleverly keep it handy in case you forget.
3. Helpful guides to beating drug tests, polygraph tests, and evading tricky questions like, “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?”
2. Your brilliant business plan: a) collect underpants, b) ????, c) profit!
1. Your resignation, crazy-ass rants about all the scary things in the proposed health care reform, and a picture of your husband’s bitchin’ new snow machine.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Birthers and deathers: cradle to grave crazy
Thanks to what passes for “journalism” these days, we know that the two most important issues facing our country are:
1. Obama not only wasn’t born in America, he probably wasn’t even born at all, and
2. The illegitimate non-born un-president wants to kill your grandmother.
Top five other things the birthers and the deathers want you to know about Obama:
5. As a kid in 1969, he faked the moon landing with a bucket of army soldiers, a volleyball and a Kodak Super 8.
4. Of course he’s a vampire. Duh. The only question is whether he’s an angsty Twilight type, a brooding-sexy TrueBlood type, or a just-plain-mean Buffy type.
3. He’s going to get the government involved in Medicare!
2. Of course he wants to kill your grandma. How else is he supposed to conquer the world with an army of grandma zombies?
1. His stupid health care plan doesn’t even cover the basics, like dog booties.
1. Obama not only wasn’t born in America, he probably wasn’t even born at all, and
2. The illegitimate non-born un-president wants to kill your grandmother.
Top five other things the birthers and the deathers want you to know about Obama:
5. As a kid in 1969, he faked the moon landing with a bucket of army soldiers, a volleyball and a Kodak Super 8.
4. Of course he’s a vampire. Duh. The only question is whether he’s an angsty Twilight type, a brooding-sexy TrueBlood type, or a just-plain-mean Buffy type.
3. He’s going to get the government involved in Medicare!
2. Of course he wants to kill your grandma. How else is he supposed to conquer the world with an army of grandma zombies?
1. His stupid health care plan doesn’t even cover the basics, like dog booties.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Booty-licious
Last week I noticed Woody was persistently licking his hind feet, so I checked them out. His footpads were in bad shape -- cut, scraped up and raw-looking -- so we went to the vet. The regular vet was out of town so we saw a different one, a nice woman with a strong German accent.
She thought Woody’s feet looked like they’d been scraped against rough cement or pavement. She cleaned up his hind feet, put on some ointment and bandaged them up, then sent ointment and bandages home with instructions to apply daily and get some booties to keep the bandages in place. She also said to check around to see if there’s anything sharp or jagged that he might be scraping his feet on.
Well, that rang a bell. Woody loves to play the running game. He stands on the deck and we say “okay,” and he tears off down the stairs, across the driveway and skids to a halt at the edge of the embankment, right in front of his favorite squirrel tree. There’s usually a squirrel somewhere in the branches to taunt him as he barks at it. He’s actually worn a groove in the driveway from doing this numerous times daily for years. So I checked and sure enough, at the end of the groove worn by his feet was a rock with sharp, jagged horizontal edges.
I pried out the rock, and he’ll be wearing cute little Winnie-the-Pooh booties on his hind feet for awhile. Damn squirrels. But he gets a treat every time I change the bandages and booties so it's not a total loss.
"The treats are delicious . . .
. . . but the booties are still embarrassing."
The vet, by the way, was from Germany, and she said when she came over here to study, her lack of English language skills almost cost her an internship. Her veterinary work was fine, but they also tested her communications skills. One question tripped her up. She was asked about what animals frequently transmit rabies. She knew one important answer to that question, but almost flunked because she didn’t know how to say it in English. The problematic word: squirrel.
It’s always the squirrels. They're cheeky little bastards.
She thought Woody’s feet looked like they’d been scraped against rough cement or pavement. She cleaned up his hind feet, put on some ointment and bandaged them up, then sent ointment and bandages home with instructions to apply daily and get some booties to keep the bandages in place. She also said to check around to see if there’s anything sharp or jagged that he might be scraping his feet on.
Well, that rang a bell. Woody loves to play the running game. He stands on the deck and we say “okay,” and he tears off down the stairs, across the driveway and skids to a halt at the edge of the embankment, right in front of his favorite squirrel tree. There’s usually a squirrel somewhere in the branches to taunt him as he barks at it. He’s actually worn a groove in the driveway from doing this numerous times daily for years. So I checked and sure enough, at the end of the groove worn by his feet was a rock with sharp, jagged horizontal edges.
I pried out the rock, and he’ll be wearing cute little Winnie-the-Pooh booties on his hind feet for awhile. Damn squirrels. But he gets a treat every time I change the bandages and booties so it's not a total loss.
"The treats are delicious . . .
. . . but the booties are still embarrassing."
The vet, by the way, was from Germany, and she said when she came over here to study, her lack of English language skills almost cost her an internship. Her veterinary work was fine, but they also tested her communications skills. One question tripped her up. She was asked about what animals frequently transmit rabies. She knew one important answer to that question, but almost flunked because she didn’t know how to say it in English. The problematic word: squirrel.
It’s always the squirrels. They're cheeky little bastards.
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