The Easter Bunny's Top 5 Complaints About His Job

5. Hugh Hefner insisting that I cut up his food for him. I keep telling him I’m not that kind of bunny . . .

4. Constant nagging from the Tooth Fairy – “Why can’t you switch to sugarless jelly beans? You know what my workload will be next month?”

3. The crappy breakfasts. Ever try a Denver omelet made with Cadbury eggs?

2. The Washington deliveries - Republicans say giving children free candy makes them too dependent on mythical rabbits, Democrats say the eggs are too high in cholesterol, and John Boehner just cries no matter what’s in his basket.

1. All the legal hassles for deliveries to North Dakota since eggs were granted “chickenhood” status.

Top Five Signs of Spring

5. North Dakota’s down to its last five feet of snow.

4. Carnival Cruise passengers have more daylight to scrounge for food as their crippled ships get towed back to shore.

3. No robins this year – they’ve been furloughed by the sequester.

2. John Boehner’s tan has faded to burnt umber.

1. It’s March Madness in Washington: President Obama makes his picks, and Mitch McConnell immediately moves to filibuster his bracket.

Top 5 Effects of Corporations Getting the Vote

Sadly, this proposal to let corporations vote may not be the stupidest measure ever put forth in the Montana legislature. It’s a tough call – there’s the guy who demanded that his legislative salary be paid in gold, and the guy who put forward a drunk driving measure . . . in favor of it. 

So if corporations are people, my friends, and they get to vote, they can be tried, convicted and sent to jail when they commit a crime, right? Right? Oh, we just keep bailing them out with taxpayer dollars instead? Yeah, figures. 

 Top 5 effects of corporations getting the vote: 

5. “Election Day” is now “BOGO Day” – buy one vote, get one free! 

4. Voter loyalty program – use your card every time you vote, and get up to 10% off the purchase of your next Senator.

3. Fast food executives have the option of supersizing their votes. 

2. Absentee votes can always be cast from the Cayman Islands.

1. At the next “Presidents’ Day Blowout!” you can buy an actual president.