The Uniter Unites Us

Oh, Dubya, to think I doubted you. Way back in those halcyon days of 2000, before we were mired in war on two fronts, before the Constitution was fed through the Oval Office shredder, when rows of tidy homes were occupied by families instead of shuttered and abandoned in foreclosure, you told us that you were a uniter, not a divider.

Yes, I doubted. As you and your party proceeded to defile and corrupt the political process through the bludgeon of Richard Mellon Scaife’s bottomless bank account and the wedge of divisive social issues (vote Republican or you’ll be forced to get gay married!), I doubted you more and more.

But now, finally, as your . . . uh, “eventful” presidency draws to a close, you have truly united the country. Your approval rating of 19 percent means that 81 percent of the country is solidly united. Against you. I should have believed.

You can’t get 81 percent of Americans to believe that the earth is round, or that it revolves around the sun. And yet, persevering against all odds, in just seven years you have so trashed our economy, our foreign policy, our system of justice, our democratic and legislative processes, our Constitutional rights and our reputation in the world, that over four-fifths of the country stands united against you. I won’t misunderestimate you again.

GOP, the party of family values . . .

“This is not the Democratic Party, this is a party of values. We assume our candidates have been loyal to their family.” – Bay Buchanan, responding to allegations of John McCain’s “close relationship” with a lobbyist.
No, I’m not making that up. See the video for yourself.

So, is Bay Buchanan:

1. Utterly ignorant of what’s been going on with so many of those “family values” Republicans lately?

2. Assuming the rest of the country is utterly ignorant of what’s been going on with so many of those “family values” Republicans lately?

3. Striving for the dizzying heights of Bill O’Reilly-level mendacity?

4. Or just relieved that a Republican is involved in a heterosexual scandal for a change?

McCain was, of course, unfaithful to his first wife with his current wife. But hey, at least he’s not a Democrat.

Why Woody?

Just so we’re clear on the meaning of this blog’s name, Woody is my dog. So if you thought Woody pertained to something else, sorry ladies. And you too, guys. Hmm, more guys than I’d expected . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that. Must have thought it was a woodworking forum or something.

Woody’s a sheltie with an unfailingly cheerful outlook on life. In his doggie brain, everyone’s nice, everything is fun, and anything can be made into a game. He’s always happy.

As for me, as a blue girl in a red state, and as a sentient being in the last year of the Bush administration, I have a rather different outlook. But the end is in sight, and as I flip over the pages of my Dubya countdown calendar, I realize that anyone, and practically anything, would make a better president, including:

• All current Democratic candidates
• Oh hell, even the current Republican candidates. They just couldn’t do worse. Could they?
• Franklin Pierce (exhumed or cloned, take your pick)
• Woody
• The chair that Dubya parks his sorry ass on in the Oval Office whenever Mr. Cheney lets him play behind the big desk

In spite of the fact that canine-Americans are still inexplicably denied voting rights, Woody does follow politics. His big issue is immigration. He says we need to build a big kennel fence across the southern border to keep Chihuahuas from taking all those spots in heiresses’ handbags that should be filled by spoiled American lapdogs. A narrow perspective perhaps, but more lucid and well-thought-out than anything you’ll hear from Lou Dobbs, and probably with less butt-sniffing going on as well.

Let’s get our weekends off to a good start with a Friday Five list. I’ll be posting one every Friday, so check back, and send this link to your friends. Or at least your friends with a sense of humor. And if they don’t have a sense of humor, get different friends.

Top five John McCain pickup lines:

5. “The media calls it the Straight Talk Express. I call it the Love Machine.”

4. “How’d you like to see your name on the front page of the New York Times?”

3. “What’s a red-blooded girl like you doing in a blue state like this?”

2. “No, baby, I swear, when they call me a flip-flopper, they’re just talking about my voting record.”

1. “My Secret Service code name? McLovin.”

Coming Monday:
Bay Buchanan: hilariously delusional, or delusionally hilarious?