I know that for the good of the country I should suspend my blogging until the greedy fatcats get their paws around our money the economic crisis has been addressed, but it looks like the debates are on, so I thought I’d give the beleaguered McCain campaign a little much-needed advice.

McCain’s top five strategies for tonight’s debate:

5. Dismiss references to his involvement in the 1989 Keating Five scandal as “ancient news.” Follow up with references to his experience as a POW in 1967.

4. Keep talking about his running mate, ‘cause she’s doing great!

3. Cancel at the last minute to primp for an interview with Katie Couric.

2. Announce his new plan to solve the economic crisis: “Everyone marry a beer heiress.”

1. Just be glad he’s not debating Letterman.

Such a lovely time of year, isn’t it? I hope you’re enjoying the seasonal colors as top political hacks turn red and purple as they crank the bluster level up to eleven. The weather may be cooling down, but the politicians and pundits are heating up. Top five signs the election’s getting hot:

5. McCain refuting charges that he claimed to have invented the Blackberry. “I’d never invent a fruit with all those little seeds. Hurts like hell when they get stuck under your dentures.”

4. Sean Hannity asking Sarah Palin the tough questions, like “Why are some bad people being so mean to you, nice pretty lady?”

3. Carly Fiorina being taken off the campaign trail for saying McCain couldn’t run a major corporation. Totally unfair, because when it comes to not being able to run a company, she oughta know.

2. McCain economics advisor Phil Gramm being taken off the campaign trail for talking about the country’s economic woes. Totally unfair, because when it comes to tanking the economy, he oughta know.

1. Allegations that Palin’s e-mail account was hacked. Turns out it was just Tina Fey trying to access her own account. Hey, you try telling them apart.

Change We Just Can't Friggin' Believe

Abuse of power, hiring staffers for blind loyalty rather than qualifications, ruthlessly trampling anyone who dares to voice an independent opinion, and utter lack of even basic foreign policy knowledge – thank goodness the GOP is bringing change to Washington! Top five highlights of the election now that Sarah Palin’s on the ticket:

5. There was nothing to that whole “lipstick on a pig” thing. But the debates will be brought to you by Revlon and Oscar Mayer.

4. Palin wasn’t hiding from the press. She was prepping to be VP by getting hunting tips from Cheney.

3. Her plan to cut the federal budget by billing only $25 per diem for staying in the VP residence at the Naval Observatory. That’s half her usual rate!

2. She DID say “Thanks, but no thanks” on that Bridge to Nowhere. “Thanks, I’ll build that bridge,” followed by “No thanks, but I’ll keep the money.”

1. Her swift reaction to criticism of her support for shooting wolves from airplanes. In Alaska, legal plane-hunting prey now includes ex-brothers-in-law, insufficiently subservient librarians, and that mean Charlie Gibson for asking such hard questions.

Well put, Ms. Blutarsky

Reality shows are so educational. Last night on “Top Design,” the cheery challenge was to redesign a bunker in a fallout shelter. By way of inspiration, the designers were told to imagine there had been a nuclear attack and they had to spend 50 years in a small concrete room. Fun!

Can’t say I learned much about design, but I did get a history lesson. One of the contestants was taking the concept to heart and imagining how the nuclear holocaust happened. “I’m thinking that it would be something like, you know, China created some transformers or something to bomb us, to pay us back for Hiroshima.”

I didn’t get the contestant’s name, but it’s probably safe to say, “Well put, Ms. Blutarsky.”

Of Mavricks and Morans

Top five highlights of the Republican convention:

5. That weird demonstration when Cindy McCain, trying to top Sarah Palin, tried to show that she too could dress a moose. In Gucci, with Prada accessories.

4. The interruption by James Garner: “You’re the original Maverick? I don’t think so.”

3. A respected President Bush graciously accepting thanks for his service to his country. Meanwhile, his son Dubya stayed in the White House.

2. The stirring moment when the party showed its diversity by introducing the members of the black caucus. Both of them.

1. And this speaks for itself:



To those of us who fondly remember this guy:



Nice to see he made it to the convention.

Tax cuts for the rich . . . how mavericky!

Check out this chart comparing Obama's and McCain's tax plans.

Forward it. Print it. Plaster it on all available flat surfaces. Hand it to McCain supporters. Give piles to Obama supporters to hand out to McCain supporters. This chart is an election-winnner. Well, at least for the bottom 99 percent of the country. Whether that's enough to put Obama over the top depends on how many counties have Diebold voting machines, I guess.