Top five complaints at the North Pole:

5. The elves were already tired of all those “small” jokes. Then Santa had to install the pre-flight full body scanners.

4. The tea party elves won't accept toy-making assignments because Santa can’t provide documentation proving his mythological place of origin.

3. Those naughty/nice lists are a pain to compile when you have to sort through every status update, wall post, text message and tweet.

2. The tools in Santa’s workshop. You know how hard it is to make an Xbox circuit board with wooden hammers?

1. All the whining, complaining and crying if someone doesn’t get every little thing he wants. Santa really hates going to John Boehner’s house.

Top five surprises in the latest Harry Potter movie:

5. All those screenings and pat-downs now required before they can climb on their broomsticks.

4. Hogwarts stubbornly refuses to repeal its ridiculous “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on squibs.

3. The search for the horcruxes turns out to be an elaborate geo-caching promotion by “Horcruxes-R-Us.”

2. Hedwig’s death, made all the more tragic since she’d just signed a lucrative endorsement deal with HootSuite.

1. Harry’s search for the Dark Lord gets way easier when he finally realizes that Voldemort checks in regularly on Foursquare.

Top five surprises in the election:

5. “Not a witch” is also “not an effective campaign slogan.”

4. The new definition of fiscal conservative: “willing to spend $142 million in pursuit of a job with an annual salary of $212,000.”

3. The surprising power of the previously obscure “aqua Buddha” voting bloc.

2. Glenn Beck’s tally of Republican votes: “167 kajillion!”

1. John Boehner, Nov. 1: “We need more bipartisanship!” John Boehner, Nov. 3: “Screw bipartisanship!”

Critter Central

The bear hasn't been back since Tuesday, but Thursday night we had another visitor to our deck -- a raccoon. I flipped on the lights and went outside to chase him off, and he did what raccoons tend to do: stood there and looked at me, like "Lady, stop making that annoying noise. I'm trying to raid your deck here." With no bird feeders out any more, there wasn't anything for him to raid, so he finally ambled off. 

So, in summary: big ol' bear who could kill me with a couple of swipes of his paws runs off when I shoo him off the deck. Little raccoon I could seriously smack around just stares me down. And don't even get me started on the hummingbirds. Those tiny little things are fearless.

Way to go, guard dog

Woody’s been kind of a pain lately, getting us up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Then I noticed the other day that the cover had been pried off a solar light on the deck. The light resembles a bird feeder. Must be raccoons – it was too heavy for even a very ambitious squirrel. Maybe that’s what Woody has been hearing at night.

Tuesday night I saw a big black shape on our deck moving past the patio table. Way too big to be a raccoon. Black bear. He prowled past the table to the edge of the deck toward that solar light. So that means two things, both bad: he’s been coming up on our deck at night, and he’s accustomed to raiding bird feeders.

I turned on the outside light and he looked up, turned around and headed in the other direction as if he was going to get off the deck. Nope. Instead he went to the kitchen window where a bird feeder was hanging, stood up and started digging in. Damn. Okay, I’m a Montana girl. We have to get after a bear occasionally. I went out on the deck and shooed him off. At least they run when you do that, unlike raccoons. They just look at you like “Who the hell are you and why are you making that ridiculous noise? Now what do you have to eat around here?” I would have been armed, but the garden trowel was in the garage I had used up all the zucchini.

So the bird feeder is down for now and the solar light is put away as well. They’ll be denning up once it gets colder and the snow flies, but until then they’re on the prowl and getting up on our deck, and Woody’s apparently been trying to tell us that. Except for Tuesday night when I was shooing the bear away. THAT he slept through. Way to go, guard dog.

Top five upcoming revelations from Christine O'Donnell

So is Christine O’Donnell’s campaign really some kind of Joaquin Phoenix-on-Letterman style piece of performance art? An absurdist tribute to Monty Python? A Punk’d prank? You’d think it would be easy to mock her, but she’s so bizarre she’s almost beyond mockery. She makes Sarah Palin look almost rational. OMG! That was the plan all along!

Top five upcoming revelations from the Christine O’Donnell campaign:

5. She never went to Yale. She also never went to Princeton, Oxford, or Claremont Graduate University – they must have gotten on her resume through witchcraft. 

4. She flirted with Judaism, but her favorite meatball recipe includes pork. 

3. She also dabbled in Lutheranism. Loved the meatball suppers but couldn’t take the lutefisk.

2. She rejected fundamentalist Islam, because “who knows what could be going on under those burquas.”

1. She thought about Hinduism, but was afraid she’d be reincarnated as one of those mice with human brains.

You Might be a Tea Partier If . . .

That dang librul lamestream social media’s being all mean to real Americans again. Remember those lame “you might be a redneck if . . .” jokes? No? Lucky you. But some commie on Facebook has started a variation on the theme: “you might be a tea partier if . . .” Damn Facebook. They should just change the name of that movie to “The Socialist Network.” Or, to be truly authentic, “The Socalest Netwerk.”

Top five signs you might be a tea partier:

5. If your cable service lost every channel except Fox News and you never noticed, you might be a tea partier.

4. If you cash your Social Security check to buy a ticket on public transportation to go to a rally in a public park and carry a sign saying “Keep guvermint out of my Medecare,” you might be a tea partier.

3. If you think Sarah Palin makes up words more gooder than Shakespeare, you might be a tea partier.

2. If you fiercely defend what you kinda sorta think maybe might be in the Constitution, you might be a tea partier.

1. If you vote for hooker-hirers, family-abandoners, closeted gay-bashers and serial adulterers – you know, the “family values” ticket – you might be a tea partier.

Bear vs. Vegetable

HELENA, Mont. (AP) — A Montana woman fended off a bear trying to muscle its way into her home Thursday by pelting the animal with a large piece of zucchini from her garden. The woman suffered minor scratches and one of her dogs was wounded after tussling with the 200-pound bear. The attack happened just after midnight when the woman let her three dogs into the backyard for their nighttime ritual before she headed to bed, Missoula County Sheriff's Lt. Rich Maricelli said. Authorities believe the black bear was just 25 yards away, eating apples from a tree.

Two of the dogs sensed the bear, began barking and ran away, Maricelli said. The third dog, a 12-year-old collie that wasn't very mobile, remained close to the woman as she stood in the doorway of the home near Frenchtown in western Montana. Before she knew what was happening, the bear was on top of the dog and batting the collie back and forth, Maricelli said. "She kicked the bear with her left leg as hard as she could, and she said she felt like she caught it pretty solidly under the chin," Maricelli said. But as she kicked, the bruin swiped at her leg with its paw and ripped her jeans.

The bear then turned its full attention to the woman in the doorway. She retreated into the house and tried to close the door, but the bear stuck its head and part of a shoulder through the doorway. The woman held onto the door with her right hand. With her left, she reached behind and grabbed a 14-inch zucchini that she had picked from her garden earlier and was sitting on the kitchen counter, Maricelli said.

She threw the vegetable. It bopped the bruin on the top of its head and the animal fled, Maricelli said. The woman called for help from a relative staying with her. They found the collie outside, unable to move, and took it to a veterinarian. The dog appeared to be fine on Thursday, but the vet was keeping it for observation, Maricelli said.

The woman did not need medical attention for the scratches on her leg, though she got a tetanus shot as a precaution, Maricelli said. Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks officials set up a trap in an attempt to capture the bear, the agency said in a statement. Besides the nearby fruit trees, there wasn't anything on the woman's property that would attract a bear into the backyard, like garbage or livestock feed, wildlife officials said.

Maricelli interviewed the woman, but said the sheriff's office was complying with her wish not to identify her. "She was very, very shaken, and it kind of took the humor portion out of it for me," Maricelli said. "She said it had this horrific growl and was snarling. "(But) she can see the humor in it, and she wanted the story put out so the local residents can take precautionary measures," he added.

Guess she didn't have a banana.

And to think I was going to waste this valuable weapon by cooking it.

Top 5 Anniversary Party Highlights

5. Putting the giant stuffed elk head up on the wall, just to make the Montana/Idaho folks feel more at home.

4. Pat saying “I’ll be brief.” And he WAS.

3. Pat and Bruner being asked to form letters – who else was expecting Pat to say, “Wait a minute. What’s our brand message, and has it been tested?”

2. Pat and Bruner being asked to form letters – who else was expecting Bruner to say, “Wait a minute. What font?”

1. The big announcement. Forget this march, and this march, and this march. Join the Odney march at the ND Capitol mall on Friday, November 12, to rally behind something near and dear to all our hearts: “The March to Capture Billable Hours.”

Truthiness

What the heck. Friday already? Okay, I didn't get around to a list this week. All that crazy "working ahead" since I'll be gone next week. But I did compose an ode to Truthiness. And no, I didn't really lose a cat. So that part's not true. But it is truthy. 

Top five reasons programmers don’t blog:

(Topic and list ideas courtesy of Welder, so he shares the blame)

5. Speling. Speeling. Spellling. Having to put letters in some stupid fancy predetermined “order.”

4. Pr0n. Uh, setting up the filters to keep it out. Yeah, that’s it.

3. Cosplay. Those big Klingon gauntlets are made for killing, not typing.

2. LARP. Tenth-level wizards with a Sword of Thunder, Amulet of Justice and immunity to spells and hexes are too cool to blog, man.

1. Do you have any idea how long it takes to write out “hello and welcome to my blog” in binary?

Tales of the Clueless

Today one of Dean's clueless coworkers was having a problem with his e-mail. It sounded like his computer had lost its connection to the server. Dean opted for the easiest solution:

Dean: "Reboot and that should reconnect you."

Coworker: "That doesn't help. I already rebooted."

Well, by now Dean knows how their brains work, so he asked a question most people wouldn't have thought of:

Dean: "When did you reboot?"

Coworker: "Two weeks ago."

Woody knows more about computers than these guys. Hey, someone is always ordering the Good Doggie Fun Pack from PetSmart, and it's not me.

Shakespalin

Some weeks I don’t know what to do for a Friday Five list. Then Sarah Palin opens her yap, or in this case, her laptop, and the list just writes itself. Thanks Sarah. In the immortal words of the Bard of Wasilla, “Got to celebrate it!” Here’s a Friday Top 20. As the real Shakespeare put it, “Can one desire too much of a good thing?” 

Top 20 Shakespalin quotes:

20. "To be governor or not to be governor . . . I’m goin’ with 'not to be' on this one."

19. "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, so it ain’t Russia cuz that’s out my west window."

18. "The miserable have no other medicine but only hope. So, how’s those death panels workin’ out fer ya?"

17. "Is this a dagger which I see before me? Hope so, ‘cuz I gotta field-dress this moose."

16. "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some get a call from the McCain campaign."

15. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Just make a speech and rake in the fee."

14. "How well he's read, to reason against reading! Take that, Katie Couric!"

13. "Get thee to a gunnery!"

12. "My word salad days, when I raked in the green in speaking fees."

11. "Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of the lamestream media, or by Tweeting, avoid them."

10. "As flies to wanton boys are we to the Gods, they shoot us from their helicopters."

9. "Something is rotten in the state of Alaska. Todd, how old is this salmon?"

8. "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying refudiation."

7. "Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage. I’m just sayin’, Levi."

6. "The empty vessel makes the loudest sound. So, how many of y’all here today are tea partiers?"

5. "I am not bound to please thee with my answer, Charlie Gibson."

4. "O God! that one might read the book of fate. Or any book, really."

3. "Double, double, toil and trouble, drill baby drill and let spills bubble."

2. "O, wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! Plus guns to shoot them with!"

1. "Et tu, Bristol?"

You guys need a dog

Last night I was trying to get to sleep when I heard the now-familiar clanging of pot lids from our neighbor’s direction. “Get away, go on, shoo!” and clang Clang CLANG. I went out on the deck and sure enough, there was a black bear crashing through the trees between the neighbor’s house and ours. He lumbered out of the trees, into our back yard and dashed off back toward the mountains.

Seriously, guys. Get a dog. The clanging and yelling annoys the bears, but it annoys the neighbors as well.

Clang, clang clang went the pot lids

A couple of weeks ago I was cleaning up the boat and getting it ready to put in the lake for the year when my neighbor Bob came over to chat. And chat. And chat. Bob’s a chatter.

The topic inevitably turned to bears and how to chase them off, as it so often does around here. Bob said a big black bear had been in their yard the other day. “Olga always bangs pot lids at them. Is that what you guys do?”

“No, Woody barks at them and they run away.” Bob looked incredulously down at Woody, who was sitting at his feet with his best “I’m such a nice little doggie” look on his face.

“Really? They run away from Woody? Huh. I thought they’d be running after him.” He was apparently considering Woody as a potential snack for a hungry bear, rather than a chaser thereof.

“Yeah, really. He’s not very big, but he barks, they run.”

The next morning, around 9 am. As Dean so eloquently put it:

“From out on Bob’s lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Out on to the deck I flew like a flash,
And then through the woods came a big rumbling crash.”

Dean heard pot lids banging and “Get out of here, go on!” accompanied by the sound of something crashing through the trees, running into the wilderness area behind our house. Okay, so the banging and clanging chased him away. It also woke up the whole neighborhood. I think we’ll stick to having Woody bark at them from the deck. It’s just as effective and it’s something the neighbors can sleep through.

Lindsay Lohan's top five excuses

Lindsay, honey. You’re not the first Hollywood starlet whose life careened out of control. You won’t be the last. But you may be the only one to compare a brief jail/rehab stint to the plight of an Iranian woman who may be stoned to death. Lindsay, seriously. One of these things is not like the other one.

Lindsay Lohan’s top five excuses:

5. Mean Girls put me up to it.

4. Can’t let ex-jailbird Paris Hilton one-up me on the skank-o-meter.

3. I’ll just pull a Freaky Friday. Enjoy your 90 days, Jamie Lee!

2. Hey, my manicurist is Korean. That’s the name of her salon.

1. Was sure I’d get a pointless but much-hyped one-hour TV special yesterday. Damn you, LeBron James!

Happy 4th

Every year I think I'll post another 4th of July story, but there's just no topping this one. It may be un-toppable. Whatever you do on your 4th of July, let's just hope it doesn't involve any awkward explanations to your insurance company.

Still a bit snowy up there . . .

This is Going to the Sun Road in Glacier Park as of June 17. Currently there's about 40 to 50 feet of snow on Logan Pass, the highest part of the road.

Reminded me of a little incident over Memorial Day weekend. Dean went into town to fill our grill's propane tank. At the gas station he ran into a guy who had rented one of those ginormous RVs. He was from Florida, taking his family on a "national parks tour," and asked directions for getting to Glacier Park. Dean told him how to get there, and the guy was really excited about taking his family over the famous scenic road he'd heard so much about. Going to the Sun Road.

Dean: "Uh, it's not open."

RV Guy: "What do you mean, not open? How can it not be open? It's Memorial Day weekend."

Dean: "It's high up in the mountains. There's about 60 feet of snow up there right now. It won't be open for about another month."

The guy was crestfallen. Memorial Day weekend here was cold and rainy, as it so often is. It doesn't really warm up here until mid-June, and Going to the Sun Road usually opens in late June/early July. So chapter one of his national parks tour was a bit of a bust. But he had chapter two planned for Labor Day weekend. He was going to rent an RV again and take his family to Arizona, to see the Grand Canyon.

Dean suggested that next year, he may want to switch that itinerary around -- Arizona in May and Glacier Park in August. I wonder if they'll enjoy sweltering Arizona in August any more than they enjoyed the cold, snowy mountains in May. 

Nice rack

We had another bear sighting in the back yard Wednesday, but alas, I didn't see it and the camera wasn't handy for Dean so we don't know if it was the same one or a new guy. So we're definitely on bear alert. This afternoon I looked out the kitchen window and saw something big and furry in the back yard. But it was just this critter, who's been hanging around for awhile now, and posed nicely for his picture today. Little blurry because I had to use the zoom. Nice velvety rack, huh?

Thank goodness the hearing room has WiFi

Testifying in front of Congress is boring. There’s all that “swearing in” business, as if there’s such a thing as “truth” anymore anyway. Then a bunch of guys in suits glare at you over the top of their reading glasses. At least Joe Barton had the decency to apologize to BP, but after catching some flak he backtracked. Congressmen used to have integrity. When they were bought, they stayed bought. 

Thank goodness there’s Twitter to help BP execs while away the question-dodging, finger-pointing, obfuscating hours:

Tony Hayward’s top five live Tweets from his congressional testimony:

5. Oh no, fail whale! Wait – not Twitter’s, just dead one in Gulf. Whew!

4. Made funny joke about adding vinegar, herbs to turn oil spill into yummy salad dressing. No laughs. Tough room.

3. We can blame this on the Dutch and Norwegians, right? @SarahPalin, DM me!

2. Asked to explain “small people” comment. Answer “Randy Newman fan” not well received.

1. Glad they keep showing picture of pelican, ‘cause it really makes our point. Hey bird, give us back our oil!

Poor Tony Hayward

Why is it always the CEOs who suffer when disaster strikes? Like the poor hedge fund managers who had to sell their summer homes and are now reduced to renting in the Hamptons for the season. The investment bankers who can no longer afford a wife, a mistress and a rent boy. And of course poor BP CEO and inept, tone-deaf spokesperson Tony Hayward, who only wants his life back. Is that any reason for that big meanie Ed Schultz to call him "Tony Baloney" and make him cry?

Top five ways the gulf disaster has affected poor Tony Hayward:

5. Not only is he missing the World Cup, he has to listen to all these stupid Americans refer to the sport as “soccer.”

4. Completely perplexed by all those oil slick jokes that refer to something called “the cast of Jersey Shore.”

3. Due to differences in currencies, he has to keep converting damage estimates from dollars to “metric tons of cash.”

2. Due to differences in currencies, he has to keep converting BP profits from dollars to “metric assloads of cash.”

1. The postcard reading, “The top bunk is mine. Bring cigarettes. See you soon. Love, Bernie Madoff.”

He's baaack . . .

This year we’ve had a cold, wet spring, so I’m late at getting anything planted. Yesterday I got a few flowers in hanging baskets and pots. I was just sitting down to enjoy my handiwork when a black bear showed up. He came around the side of the house and headed toward the stairs of the deck where Woody and I were sitting.

At least Woody was awake this time. He charged at the bear, barking like crazy, and it took off into the area behind the house. He lingered a bit in the scrubby bushes behind the house, looking back now and then as if he was trying to figure us out. Damn bears are very curious critters. But eventually he wandered off. He was about the same size as the bear who was getting into my feeders last year. He also showed up first on the day I planted my flowers, so maybe he’s just into gardening.

You can barely see him in this pic – he’s the black blob in the middle, turning around to check us out.

I took the sunflower seed feeders in last night, but left the hummingbird feeders up for now. We have loads of hummingbirds this year and I don’t want them to leave, so the feeders will stay up unless the bears start getting into them. Maybe Woody’s fearsome charge was enough to scare him away for good.

Critter Cam

We have a bumper crop of hummingbirds this year, so I set my webcam up in a windowsill and I’m streaming it most weekdays, for those of you who need another time-waster in your workday. I had originally called the page “hummercam,” but found that a page with that name, on a blog called “Woody,” seemed to be attracting a lot of traffic from Republican congressman, so I edited a bit.

On the general critter front, the raccoons are back. Or at least one was casually helping himself to sunflower seeds from one of my bird feeders Tuesday evening. That feeder came down, but they don’t seem interested in the hummingbird feeders, so they can stay up unless the bears come around.

Top five alternative places to set up a webcam around here:

5. A crittercam on the deck, to watch for squirrels, raccoons, bears, and the common Montana “gun-toting, government-hating loner.”

4. A dogcam around Woody’s neck, so you could see some random patch of sky as he naps through the critter invasions.

3. A kitchencam. We’re still paying for the remodel so we can damn well get some use out of it.

2. A fireplace cam. Just like one of those fireplace DVDs, only in blurry, jerky, super-low resolution!

1. A drivewaycam, so I can be on the alert for the approach of escaped burglars, wannabe celebrity kidnappers, and lost people I can inadvertently scare the crap out of.

New Rules*

New rule: If you’re going to make money from doing it, you need to have a plan to fix it if it goes wrong. Newer rule: If you expect taxpayers to pick up the tab when things go wrong, then we get a share of the profits when things go right. Newest rule: When Kevin Costner has a better grip on your engineering problem than your engineers, it’s time to take the BP execs, dunk them in their own toxic chemical stew, and put them in jail like the criminals they are.

Seriously. Kevin Costner.

But as usual, Rush Limbaugh knows where to lay the blame. The responsible party is . . . the Sierra Club. Seriously. The Sierra Club. I guess by that reasoning, if we have an outbreak of polio, we can lay the blame squarely at the door of that bastard Jonas Salk.

Top five things BP could use to plug up that oil well:

5. That big furball on Donald Trump’s head, ‘cause it’s not doing him any favors.

4. The bales of cash that BP is raking in every day -- $93 million is pretty absorbent.

3. Rush Limbaugh’s ego.

2. Rush Limbaugh.

1. Finally! An appropriate use for all those unsold copies of Waterworld.

*With apologies to Bill Maher for borrowing his shtick.

Top five signs you're way too much into the whole social media thing:

5. You have a near-death experience and all your Facebook status updates flash before your eyes.

4. Your spouse asks what channel you want to watch and you say, “#p2 or #EdHead – anything but #tcot.”

3. You’re expecting, and you whittle down the list of potential baby names by checking to see which ones are available on Twitter.

2. You apply to the Department of Agriculture for a Farmville subsidy.

1. Your favorite holiday is #FollowFriday.

Seriously, another one?

This isn’t even funny any more. Okay, yes it is. George Rekers is the latest anti-gay gay-curing conservative “family values” crusader to get caught with his hand in the – well, let’s say cookie jar. He says he took rent-boy “Geo” along on his European trip to “carry his luggage.” So that’s what they’re calling it these days.

George Rekers’ top five excuses:

5. I thought I was renting from Craigslist. Turns out I was renting from LarryCraigsList.

4. Gaycation – that’s short for great vacation, right?

3. Sure, I took a Rent-boy – I love that musical.

2. I wasn’t trying to rent a guy named Geo. I was trying to rent a Chevy Geo.

1. I made an honest mistake. Next time I’ll be sure I’m getting a straight, conservative, patriotic luggage-carrier by Googling for a “teabagger.”

#2 is, of course, demonstrably false. No one has ever deliberately rented a Chevy Geo.

Throw a quad. Then throw that outfit.

It’s hard to go over the top when it comes to figure skating costumes, but when you’re wearing an outfit that Lady Gaga might consider “too much,” it might be time to hire a stylist who will pare back the sequins a bit.

Top five actual Salon review comments about the outfits in men’s figure skating:

5. "Czech Michal Brezina is dressed as a bedazzled golfer."

4. "Lysaceck takes to the ice wearing the evil alien villain garb from 'Superman.'"

3. "Plushenko, dressed in a sequined faux-tie and faux-vest, looks like a carnival barker trapped in a gay disco."

2. "Viktor Pfeifer looks like your average gawky high school cross country runner who happened into the wrong dressing room and emerged dressed like Krystal Carrington in dinner party attire."

1. "Finally, Johnny Weir is here! Wearing a costume that conjures a late-night vampire raid on Frederick's of Hollywood."

Next up: ice dancing, then the women’s skating. I don’t know if the scoring rules have changed, but I do know the costume rules never change. If they’re wearing feathers, they’ll skate to “Firebird.” If the woman is wearing a poufy white skirt with a little apron and has ribbons in her hair and the man’s in an embroidered vest, their routine is “inspired by a folk dance.” If they’re dressed like mimes, it’s a good time to go get a snack and a fresh beverage.

In women’s figure skating, feathers = “Swan Lake.” Unless you’re Oksana Baiul, who inexplicably put feathers on everything. A little sequined cap = “Juliet.” Red and black dress with extra flouncy skirt and little black pick hair ornament = “Carmen.” And if you’re Johnny Weir, well, screw the judges. You ROCKED that pink tassel.

Just keeping things handy . . .

Why does Sarah Palin write her talking points on her hand? Because she can. Who needs stupid things like “nuanced answers” containing “facts” when you can boil it down to four three empty catchphrases? Simple thoughts for simple people.

Top five things other people are writing on their hands:

5. Jay Leno: 10 pm 11:30 pm

4. Conan O’Brien: 11:30 pm Sleep in, eat Cheetos, repeat.

3. Tiger Woods: I’m sorry. So sorry. So very, very sorry. (continued on other hand)

2. John Mayer: I’m stupid. So stupid. So very, very stupid. (continued on other hand)

1. Brett Favre: Working Retired Working. Go Packers Jets Vikings

I would have included Glenn Beck but I don’t know how to make an insanely complicated batsh*t-crazy conspiracy diagram in HTML.

Top five signs someone hacked the teleprompter for the State of the Union Address:

5. The new rebates to stimulate the home brewing industry – cash for kegerators.

4. The new security initiative offering free snausages for protecting the homeland against infiltration by squirrels and raccoons.

3. Our new national anthem: that “Pants on the Ground” song.

2. The honest admission of the biggest mistake of last year: “Leno should never have been moved to prime time.”

1. The entire text was as follows: "You wanna know what the State of the Union is? For heaven's sake, read the internal blog.”

That plug for Featherlite Trailers, though -- I'm sure that was actually supposed to be there.

Manmade Disasters

In news of manmade disasters this week, there’s NBC, with its ratings in the tank, a PR debacle, and suddenly finding itself with five hours of prime time to fill. Earlier this week Jay Leno noted NBC stands for “Never Believe your Contract.” Hmmm . . .

Top five other things NBC really stands for:

5. Nothing But Clueless
4. Numbskulled Brainless CEOs
3. Not Being Clever
2. Nonplussed By Conan
1. Now Broadcasting Crap

Hey, put that all together and it makes a sentence! The programming geniuses at the network are rapidly filling those time slots with some sure-fire hits.

Top five new NBC primetime shows:

5. Sarah Palin is a plucky hockey mom turned Alaskan bush pilot in the comedy-adventure “A Wink and a Prayer.”

4. Pat Robertson blames natural disasters on the victims’ contracts with the devil on his new show, “The 666 Club.”

3. Conan O’Brien interviews other people suddenly thrown out of work in the depressingly hilarious talk show, “American Idle.”

2. Tiger Woods is pursued by 25 women in the new reality dating show, “The Soon-to-be-Bachelor.”

1. “CSI: Critter Scene Investigation.” NBC wants cheap? They get cheap. This one’s a webcam on my deck. Dean opened the patio door this morning to find three raccoons perched on the railing. They’re back, and they’re bringing friends. My camera batteries were dead, so I'll recharge and be ready to get a mug shot if they return to the scene of the crime.

Top five signs it’s too &^%$#@ cold:

5. You’re not a terrorist, but you still keep trying to set your underwear on fire.

4. Even Florida is cold – every night Tiger Woods throws a couple of extra mistresses on the bed.

3. The airport security guards are patting everyone down, just to keep their hands warm.

2. Byron Dorgan’s retiring – either hell has frozen over or Pat’s prayers have finally been answered.

1. Polar bears can’t even take the plunge: