Mmmm, snowy snowy snow

On Wednesday, as the last remnants of snow were melting under a light rain and the air was smelling all fresh and piney, I had the temerity to say, “Looks like spring might come early this year.”

Then came Thursday. That’s a foot and a half of fresh powder. Woody was one happy pup – until he realized the snow was over his head and he couldn’t get up or down the stairs from our deck. But I’m sure he’ll just eat himself a pathway. On the bright side, the electricity was only out for a few hours last night and we already had nice fire going to keep the upstairs warm when the power went out.

Top five things to do in Montana when the electricity goes off:

5. Roast your squirrel the old-fashioned way, over a fire of lodgepole pine, Douglas fir, and the charred remains of the last guy who strayed across your property line.

4. Pee outside. Just like you always do, but now you have a reason.

3. “Eat snow! Eat more snow! Wonderful, delicious, fluffy beautiful snow! Eat snow!”



2. “What is this ‘electricity’ of which you speak?”

1. “Dean, we have to drink all the wine in the fridge before it goes bad.”
“Uh, Karen, the wine’s not going to go bad.”
“Shut up and drink.”

Rockin' Republicans Need Your Help

In a quirky celebration of irrelevance and obstructionism, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor posted a YouTube video disparaging the stimulus bill, set to Aerosmith’s “Back in the Saddle.” Not quite sure why he chose that song. Maybe the Republicans wanted tax cuts to the crucial "cowboys and hookers" sector of the economy to be a cornerstone of the stimulus package or something.

Alas, pesky copyright issues reared their heads, so the video was taken down. So those rockin’ Republicans will have to come up with something new. Now if Dubya were still in office, a great choice would be Warren Zevon’s anthem to frat-boy screw-ups with rich daddies: “Lawyers, Guns and Money.” Because the sh*t has certainly hit the fan.

Top five other suggested theme songs for the Republican party:

5. “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To”
4. “Fool on the Hill”
3. “Desperado”
2. “Running on Empty”

And for those governors with presidential ambitions who are posturing about turning down their states’ share of the stimulus – you know damn well what you’ll end up doing.

1. “Take the Money and Run”

Hmmm. I’m not sure any of those choices conveys the right combination of manufactured outrage at liberal boogeymen, genuine outrage about being out of power, and – here’s the tricky part – genuine cluelessness about how to conduct themselves as a minority party. Perhaps with a dash of “screw the country as long as I get re-elected.” If you have some better suggestions, comment away.

Top five least romantic things to hear from your Valentine’s Day date:

5. “Honey, we don’t need some fancy high-priced restaurant version of surf ‘n turf. Now at least try my fishsticks with beef gravy.”

4. “Mind if we skip dessert? Because my work-release ends in, like, half an hour.”

3. “So you see, I’m living proof that you can pray away the gay.”

2. “Some persnickety doctors might call them boils. I call them love bumps on the highway to heaven.”

1. “Don’t worry – I’m sure my stimulus package will start working any time now.”

Groundhog Day

Top five highlights of Groundhog Day:

5. All those hilarious “Gobbler’s Knob” jokes.

4. In an effort to grab the spotlight, local squirrels predict six more weeks of “being chased up trees all the time by that damned Woody.”

3. The North Dakota version: you either get an early spring, or six more months of winter.

2. The Montana version: by sunrise the groundhog’s been shot and field-dressed, but technically it’s still casting a shadow.

1. Punxsutawney Phil’s confident prediction: six more weeks of squabbling about the stimulus bill.