Bill Moyers, Crazy Journalist

Is the Reverend Jeremiah Wright a crazy man? Bill Moyers sure is. Then again, over at PBS they probably don’t get the same memos that go out to all the MSM. What you’re supposed to do, Bill, is play the same seven-second soundbite of the Rev. Wright saying “God damn America” over and over, then invite a bunch of talking heads to natter on for an hour about what that little snippet says about Wright, Obama, damning and America, preferably in terms of presumed levels of patriotism, with extra attention to the important issues of flag pins and bowling scores.

Oh Bill. You crazy, crazy man. You couldn’t stick with the script. No, you had to go out and commit an act of actual journalism. Bill Moyers interviewed the Reverend Wright on Bill Moyers’ Journal last weekend. The in-depth interview covered everything from Wright’s childhood through his education, military career, his ministry, and the context for the soundbite you’ve all heard a hundred times by now.

So is Wright crazy? In today’s Bizarro-World of “journalism,” Bill Moyers certainly is. Because he thinks that’s a question you can decide for yourself, and he takes it upon himself to give you the information you need to do so. Bill, why do you hate America?

Hey candidates, fly out to the fly-over.

I suppose this week Pennsylvanians are cleaning up after having the Democratic presidential candidates hanging around in their living rooms for the last couple of months. Throwing out that box of frozen waffles they kept on hand for Obama, polishing off the last of the Crown Royal they stuck at the back of the liquor cabinet to hide from Hillary, trying not to be bitter about being ignored until November . . .

Though we have elected some Democrats and kicked out one deeply corrupt Republican, the state of Montana remains largely red as the inside of a rare elk steak when it comes to the top slot. In the latest polls McCain enjoys a comfortable lead over Clinton, 54 % to 36 %. The race with Obama is much tighter, with McCain just five points in the lead, 48% to 43%.

So if the candidates think our measly three electoral votes are worth fighting for, they may actually have to show up, claim to love fly fishing, pose awkwardly in a hard hat outside a closed-down sawmill, and take questions from the locals. Hey, when it comes to asking the hard-hitting, relevant questions, us plain folk can hardly do much worse than the inane Charlie Gibson and the irrelevant George Stephanopoulos.

Top 5 questions Montanans might have for the candidates:

5. Gun control: “Do you keep your guns in a vertical cabinet, or do you prefer a horizontal rack?”

4. Lapel pins: “It’s good that they wear those so we know who they are, and we don’t go for them kind of folks, so I’m glad to see that none of you has got on one of them fag pins.”

3. Health care: “Let’s say you’re gettin’ a tooth yanked. Does your health care plan pay for a fancy shot of Crown Royal, or do we have to settle for the bottom-shelf stuff?” (Hillary only)

2. Bowling scores: “A 37? Are you freakin’ kidding me? How can you be president when you roll lower than I did the day after I lost all them fingers down at the sawmill?” (Obama only)

1. War: “Montana congresswoman Jeannette Rankin voted to keep the U.S. out of World War I in 1917. After she cast that vote, what did you say to her?” (McCain only)

Nice Planet. Let's Keep It

Earth happens to be the only planet that’s conveniently located for us, right under our feet and in a nice neighborhood. Good view of the sun. Not too close to that slutty Venus or big bully Mars. Halliburton did get a no-bid contract to build another one for a bajillion dollars, but so far all they have to show for it is a crumbling, leaky asteroid with unfinished landscapes, rancid water and unbreathable air. So they’re submitting a bill for cost overruns of a kajillion dollars since the planet is “pre-polluted for your convenience.”

So why April 22? If Wikipedia is to be believed, that date was chosen because it’s the birthday of actor and environmentalist Eddie Albert. I’m sure he recycled all his cow manure as fertilizer, and he did like to wax poetic about watching the little sprouts shooting up toward the sun and sky. Usually with fife music and everything. But April 22 is also the birthday of Vladimir Lenin, thus proving that clean air and water are some kind of commie plot. Quoth the Wiki:

Time reported that some suspected the date was not a coincidence, but a clue that the event was "a Communist trick," and quoted a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution saying, "Subversive elements plan to make American children live in an environment that is good for them."

The bastards.

Top five ways the administration plans to celebrate Earth Day:

5. Carefully collect and recycle the water used in the whole day’s waterboardings.

4. Pass legislation for electronic-only voting, to save paper, trees and Republican officeholders.

3. Put Cheney into “standby” mode to save on battery power.

2. Throw a nice reception with a beautiful ice sculpture made from the last remnants of the Arctic ice cap.

1. Sign a presidential proclamation officially naming April 22 as “Earth Day.” And a signing statement officially naming the rest of the year the usual “Screw the Earth” day.

And if enlightened self-interest or concern for future generations isn’t motivation enough to take care of the only planet we have, remember this: if we destroy it, the mice will be furious.

"History will not judge this kindly . . . " Ya think?

It recently came to light that top administration officials met regularly to discuss in detail precisely what kinds of “enhanced interrogation techniques” could be used on detainees. This group was called . . . “The Principals.” Yeah, really. The world’s most powerful people convene in secret to lend an air of shadowy legitimacy to brutal and highly specific torture tactics, and that’s the best name they could come up with? They’re oh-so-creative when it comes to deciding which body parts to slap the electrodes on, and then . . . “The Principals?” Sounds like a group of middle-school bureaucrats defining the proper use of swirlies and atomic wedgies. How about something more SMERSH-y, SPECTRE-ish, KAOS-esque? These folks need a helping hand. Let’s just hope they don’t chop it off.

Alternative names for “The Principals”:

Condi’s Iron Maiden Roundtable – now with real iron maiden!
The Wet, Wild and Wacky White House Waterboarders
Who Wants to be a War Criminal?
Committee for Thinking of Things We’d Like to Do to Democrats
Dick Cheney’s Happytime Funtime Playtime Pals

Scooter and Toots

See, this is why you should never allow your parents at your workplace. Or, for that matter, let them even know where you work. The parents of a couple of my coworkers stopped by the office the other day and made casual references to their offspring who work here, using their childhood nicknames: “Scooter” and “Toots.” Okay, better than “Turd Blossom,” but still . . .

“Toots” brings to mind some platinum-haired, gum-snapping moll slinking around in a clingy bias-cut satin gown in a gangster movie from the ‘30s. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s not the image you want in your boss’s head when you’re up for your annual review. “Yes, I see you’ve been proactive in implementing our total quality initiative to maximize our core competencies across multiple disciplines, Toots . . . I mean, Miss Jenkins.”

Now, being called Scooter is okay if you’re a high-ranking government official/convicted felon, but it won’t earn you a lot of respect around our offices. Neither does driving an actual scooter, as you’ll see. Which brings us to our list:

Top five April Fool’s Day pranks:

5. Things people at iNet like to encase in Jello: Welder’s stapler, Welder’s coffee cup, and Welder.

4. Telling the new governor of New York that the person waiting to see him in his office is a “five-diamond Emperor’s Club girl” when it’s really Rudy Giuliani in a dress.

3. “Mr. President, it’s time for you to hit the campaign trail, so get out there and win your third term!”

2. “Dear Hillary: We’re all supporting you. Love, the Super Delegates.”

1. Getting a couple of your crazy uncles to show up at the office, introduce themselves to your boss as the parents of coworkers, and refer to them as “Stinkypants” and “Poopyhead.”