Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Woody's Christmas Present
It's been rainy lately and the snow at our altitude was mostly gone. Last night the rain turned into beautiful light fluffy snow. Woody just about exploded with doggy joy. "It's back! Yummy yummy yum."
"Mmmmmmmm . . . snow's the best thing ever."
Friday, December 18, 2009
Top five least popular Christmas presents:
5. The new Tiger Woods game – you drive an SUV, dodging angry wives, mistresses, golf clubs and fire hydrants while trying to hang on to your endorsement contracts.
4. The new musical game – Extreme Polka: Accordion Hero.
3. A McCain campaign visor, rogued-up Sarah Palin-style.
2. The Glenn Beck fun pack: a Bible, a gun, a chalkboard, a box of teabags and a stocking full of psychotic rantings.
1. The Woody fun pack: snow Snow SNOW, yummy fluffy delicious wonderful SNOW!
He’s in for a rough weekend. It’s been mild here and we had rain yesterday so his beloved snow is disappearing already. Maybe his little doggie mind is thinking, “Wow, that was a short winter.”
4. The new musical game – Extreme Polka: Accordion Hero.
3. A McCain campaign visor, rogued-up Sarah Palin-style.
2. The Glenn Beck fun pack: a Bible, a gun, a chalkboard, a box of teabags and a stocking full of psychotic rantings.
1. The Woody fun pack: snow Snow SNOW, yummy fluffy delicious wonderful SNOW!
He’s in for a rough weekend. It’s been mild here and we had rain yesterday so his beloved snow is disappearing already. Maybe his little doggie mind is thinking, “Wow, that was a short winter.”
Monday, December 14, 2009
Happy Holidays from Evil Dog
Even the booties were better than this.
"The joke's on them. The magic antlers turn me into EVIL DOG!"
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thank you, Faux News
Oh, Faux News, thank you for keeping us endlessly entertained. Informed, not so much. More like "infromed," as you'll see below. FNC management recently instituted a “zero tolerance” policy for on-screen errors, but if that’s the case, why don’t all the network’s “journalists” have bags over their heads?
Top five graphics illustrating how Fox News keeps us “informed”:
5. The other so-called “news networks” only tell us what 100% of poll respondents think. Only Fox has the balls to cover all 193% of the electorate.
Top five graphics illustrating how Fox News keeps us “informed”:
5. The other so-called “news networks” only tell us what 100% of poll respondents think. Only Fox has the balls to cover all 193% of the electorate.
4. There's a damn good reason why, when asked to create a graphic for the Lincoln/Douglas debates, a Fox News staffer chose Frederick Douglass. He couldn't find a picture of Oliver Douglas from "Green Acres."
3. What’s a producer to do when a poll doesn’t give you the results you’re hoping for? Get out the calculator. They arrived at these wacky percentages by adding together the results for “somewhat likely” and “very likely,” then keeping the “very likely” total in a category of its own even though that number had already been incorporated into the “somewhat” category, and completely throwing out the 15% total for “not sure.” Ta-da!
So they falsified poll results on a poll about falsifying research. Who says Fox News has no sense of irony?
2. This speaks for itself.
1. In my first effort at creating the chart below, Excel attempted to convert the numbers into percentages that would add up to 100. Silly, silly Excel. You know nothing of journalism.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Something to be thankful for: You're not this guy.
New state laws banning smoking in all businesses, including bars, recently took effect here, much to the dismay of smokers like this man, quoted in the local paper:
“This law violates the Constitution, which gives us the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. My idea of happiness is smoking a cigarette while I drink my beer.”
In sixth grade, his idea of happiness must have been cutting civics class.
What are the odds that the same guy would be interviewed by the Lake County Leader and The Onion in the same week?
“This law violates the Constitution, which gives us the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. My idea of happiness is smoking a cigarette while I drink my beer.”
In sixth grade, his idea of happiness must have been cutting civics class.
What are the odds that the same guy would be interviewed by the Lake County Leader and The Onion in the same week?
Friday, November 20, 2009
Critter Central
I’ve been taking the bird feeders down at night and haven’t seen the raccoons again, but the collection of critters Dean has seen nearby on his way to work recently include not just raccoons but a black bear and a wolf. I think I prefer the bears. At least they run when you yell at them. The raccoons just give you a dismissive glance and get back to rooting around for sunflower seeds.
Top five signs critters keep coming up on your deck:
5. The old regular squirrels don’t show up any more, because it’s gone all “touristy” now.
4. The new show on Animal Planet is just a feed from a webcam on your patio table.
3. Your weird neighbor has a restraining order to stop him from “coming over to leave you a little something,” but you’re still cleaning odd piles of poop off the deck.
2. Your weirder neighbor keeps coming over with a knife, fork and a shaker of salt, asking if he can hang around until “something tasty comes scurrying along.”
1. Sarah Palin keeps shooting at your house, and she must have a reason.
Top five signs critters keep coming up on your deck:
5. The old regular squirrels don’t show up any more, because it’s gone all “touristy” now.
4. The new show on Animal Planet is just a feed from a webcam on your patio table.
3. Your weird neighbor has a restraining order to stop him from “coming over to leave you a little something,” but you’re still cleaning odd piles of poop off the deck.
2. Your weirder neighbor keeps coming over with a knife, fork and a shaker of salt, asking if he can hang around until “something tasty comes scurrying along.”
1. Sarah Palin keeps shooting at your house, and she must have a reason.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Caught! Sort of.
And here I thought I caught ‘em red-pawed last night.
But Dean said “those must be the babies. The one I saw was much bigger.” These two no doubt have an alibi for the night in question. They ate up some seeds that the birds had spilled on the deck, but didn’t get into the feeders, so technically I guess I could only charge them with trespassing, or perhaps loitering with intent to raid.
But Dean said “those must be the babies. The one I saw was much bigger.” These two no doubt have an alibi for the night in question. They ate up some seeds that the birds had spilled on the deck, but didn’t get into the feeders, so technically I guess I could only charge them with trespassing, or perhaps loitering with intent to raid.
They're bold little bastards. They pretty much ignored my "Hey, you guys, get the hell off my deck" attempt to scare them off, and left only when they damn well felt like it. But at least they posed nicely for pictures.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Top five signs you’re having a bad Friday the 13th:
5. You’ve produced this great expose on how illegal immigrants are bringing bad luck into the US. You can’t wait to air it on your CNN show this Friday the 13th.
4. You’re on your book tour, and the mean old MSM keeps practicing “gotcha” journalism by asking questions about stuff that’s in your book.
3. You’re on your book tour, and the mean old MSM keeps practicing “gotcha” journalism by asking questions, period.
2. You have to plead guilty to highly publicized crimes involving your son. And you’re not even George Bush Sr.
1. You just found this great place with all the sunflower seeds you can eat, and some mean lady took it away. Hey, raccoons have bad luck, too.
4. You’re on your book tour, and the mean old MSM keeps practicing “gotcha” journalism by asking questions about stuff that’s in your book.
3. You’re on your book tour, and the mean old MSM keeps practicing “gotcha” journalism by asking questions, period.
2. You have to plead guilty to highly publicized crimes involving your son. And you’re not even George Bush Sr.
1. You just found this great place with all the sunflower seeds you can eat, and some mean lady took it away. Hey, raccoons have bad luck, too.
Friday, November 13, 2009
CSI: Critter Scene Investigation
The other day I noticed that the metal bracket holding one of my bird feeders was bent and the feeder was missing. Our crack critter forensics team immediately sprang into action. After a thorough investigation, which was conducted through the process of “going outside to take a look,” we decided it must have been a raccoon.
The crime scene
A squirrel wouldn’t be strong enough to bend the bracket, and a bear would have done more damage to the feeder, which was lying in the flower bed below the deck. In fact, this particular feeder was still a bit bent from its last bear encounter in June.
The victim
I decided to start taking the feeders in at night, but the other night I forgot and left one sitting on our patio table. In the middle of the night Dean heard something on the deck. He got up to check it out and saw a furry critter on the patio table, getting into the feeder. He switched on the light, and there was the biggest, fattest raccoon he’d ever seen. “At first I thought it was a bear cub. The thing was huge.”
Huge and bold. Dean turned the light on, thinking it would run (or waddle) away. It just glanced up, gave Dean a nonchalant look and went back to its meal. Dean opened the door to make some noise, and the raccoon finally ambled off.
The next morning as Dean recounted his visual confirmation of our CSI hypothesis, I reminded him that I keep our camera handy for critter photo ops like this. If he comes back, we’ll try to catch him red-pawed and get a mug shot.
The crime scene
A squirrel wouldn’t be strong enough to bend the bracket, and a bear would have done more damage to the feeder, which was lying in the flower bed below the deck. In fact, this particular feeder was still a bit bent from its last bear encounter in June.
The victim
I decided to start taking the feeders in at night, but the other night I forgot and left one sitting on our patio table. In the middle of the night Dean heard something on the deck. He got up to check it out and saw a furry critter on the patio table, getting into the feeder. He switched on the light, and there was the biggest, fattest raccoon he’d ever seen. “At first I thought it was a bear cub. The thing was huge.”
Huge and bold. Dean turned the light on, thinking it would run (or waddle) away. It just glanced up, gave Dean a nonchalant look and went back to its meal. Dean opened the door to make some noise, and the raccoon finally ambled off.
The next morning as Dean recounted his visual confirmation of our CSI hypothesis, I reminded him that I keep our camera handy for critter photo ops like this. If he comes back, we’ll try to catch him red-pawed and get a mug shot.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Bride of the Clueless
I have a friend who is utterly clueless about computers. She calls me now and then for tech support. The problem is usually something simple, but walking her through the steps to figure it out is torture because she doesn’t know the most basic terms and gets stumped when I ask her to do something like “launch your browser” or “right-click.” I still have nightmares about the time I tried to get her to ping.
She called the other day. She’d gotten a new computer the day before and it “wouldn’t work.” Apparently a technician had set it up for her the day before and it had worked fine. The next day when she tried to turn it on, “nothing happened.” I checked the basics – is it plugged in, is there power to the outlet, is the power currently out by any chance (yes, I had to ask), is the monitor turned on, when you hit the power switch do you see any lights or hear any activity, etc. That was all I had time for, so I said I’d have to call her back later.
She called back in a couple of minutes. Her computer was now on and running fine. What she had been hitting to turn it on wasn’t the power switch. She’d been pressing the Dell logo.
She called the other day. She’d gotten a new computer the day before and it “wouldn’t work.” Apparently a technician had set it up for her the day before and it had worked fine. The next day when she tried to turn it on, “nothing happened.” I checked the basics – is it plugged in, is there power to the outlet, is the power currently out by any chance (yes, I had to ask), is the monitor turned on, when you hit the power switch do you see any lights or hear any activity, etc. That was all I had time for, so I said I’d have to call her back later.
She called back in a couple of minutes. Her computer was now on and running fine. What she had been hitting to turn it on wasn’t the power switch. She’d been pressing the Dell logo.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Top five easy last-minute Halloween costumes:
Forgot to get a Halloween costume? Not to worry -- here are some ideas for costumes you can easily throw together from stuff lying around the house:
5. A blue blazer, distracted expression and your laptop: You’re a Northwest pilot.
4. A couple of teabags, an unintentionally funny, misspelled sign and an attitude of aggrieved ignorance: You’re ateabagger birther deather patriot.
3. A couple of teabagger-supporting stories, an unintentionally funny, misspelled graphic and an attitude of aggrieved ignorance: You’re apsychotic ranter FOX “journalist.”
2. A pin-striped suit, bucket full of money and an attitude of shameless greed: You’re a Wall Street bailout baron.
1. Take off your levis and show off your johnston: You’re Levi Johnston.
5. A blue blazer, distracted expression and your laptop: You’re a Northwest pilot.
4. A couple of teabags, an unintentionally funny, misspelled sign and an attitude of aggrieved ignorance: You’re a
3. A couple of teabagger-supporting stories, an unintentionally funny, misspelled graphic and an attitude of aggrieved ignorance: You’re a
2. A pin-striped suit, bucket full of money and an attitude of shameless greed: You’re a Wall Street bailout baron.
1. Take off your levis and show off your johnston: You’re Levi Johnston.
Friday, October 23, 2009
More Tales of the Clueless
Over the years Dean has become reluctant to show his co-workers how to do much of anything on their computers, for several reasons. It takes ages to get them to grasp simple concepts, they don’t want to do anything differently from the way they’ve always done it, and rather than actually learn anything, they tend to keep asking Dean to “come and do that for me again.”
Their news guy gets a daily feed from the AP that includes news from the entire region. He wants only the local stories, but he prints the whole feed – pages and pages of it – then takes a pair of scissors, cuts out the few stories he wants, and tapes them together.
Dean finally couldn’t take it any more and braved showing him how to select the text he wanted, copy it to the clipboard and paste it into Notepad. It took most of the afternoon ("What do you mean, highlight it? What's a clipboard? What do you mean, launch Notepad? What's Notepad?") but he was willing to make the heroic effort to save this idiot from deforesting northwestern Montana.
So the next morning, news guy is saving several trees with his new mad copy/paste skillz, right? Umm, sort of. He called Dean over, pointed to the stories on the screen and said, “Okay, I want this one, that one, that one and that one.” Then stood back and expected Dean to do the copy/pasting for him.
Dean: “I showed you how to do that so you could do it yourself.”
News guy: “Yeah, but it’s easier for me to have you do it.”
Dean said, “I’m sure it is,” hit “print” to send the entire regional feed to the printer, as the guy usually did every morning, and walked away.
News guy: “Hey! You’re wasting all that paper!”
Their news guy gets a daily feed from the AP that includes news from the entire region. He wants only the local stories, but he prints the whole feed – pages and pages of it – then takes a pair of scissors, cuts out the few stories he wants, and tapes them together.
Dean finally couldn’t take it any more and braved showing him how to select the text he wanted, copy it to the clipboard and paste it into Notepad. It took most of the afternoon ("What do you mean, highlight it? What's a clipboard? What do you mean, launch Notepad? What's Notepad?") but he was willing to make the heroic effort to save this idiot from deforesting northwestern Montana.
So the next morning, news guy is saving several trees with his new mad copy/paste skillz, right? Umm, sort of. He called Dean over, pointed to the stories on the screen and said, “Okay, I want this one, that one, that one and that one.” Then stood back and expected Dean to do the copy/pasting for him.
Dean: “I showed you how to do that so you could do it yourself.”
News guy: “Yeah, but it’s easier for me to have you do it.”
Dean said, “I’m sure it is,” hit “print” to send the entire regional feed to the printer, as the guy usually did every morning, and walked away.
News guy: “Hey! You’re wasting all that paper!”
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tales of the Clueless
Dean’s co-workers are incredibly clueless about computers in general and the internet in particular. One day Dean cut an ad for a local restaurant and the salesperson wanted him to e-mail it to the client. He left this e-mail address on the production form: RestaurantName.com. So Dean asked the salesperson for the whole e-mail address.
Salesperson: “That’s the address, right there. RestaurantName.com.”
Dean: “That’s just their website. I need the whole address.”
Salesperson: “Just send it to that address.”
Dean: “I can’t. That’s not an address.”
Salesperson: “I don’t know why you won’t send it to that address.”
Dean: "This isn’t an address. It doesn’t have the first part. You know, the ‘someone@’ part.”
Salesperson: “I don’t know about any someone-at part. Just send it to this address.”
Round and round they went. Dean finally asked the salesperson, “Okay, what’s your e-mail address?”
Salesperson: “CompanyName.com.”
Dean: “No, that’s just the domain. Your e-mail address has the ‘someone@’ part in front of it.”
Salesperson: “Huh? I don’t know what you mean. That’s my e-mail address.”
This salesperson had been complaining lately that he wasn’t getting things he had asked people to e-mail him. No doubt because he’s been giving his e-mail address as just “CompanyName.com.”
Dean gave up, went to the restaurant’s website, checked the “contact us” section, found an e-mail address that he recognized as the owner’s nickname, and sent him the spot.
He then made a heroic effort to explain to the salesperson that his e-mail address was actually FirstName@CompanyName.com. To no avail. The salesperson was having none of this silly ‘someone-at’ business. He’s still giving out his e-mail address as CompanyName.com. And still complaining that he’s not getting his e-mail.
Salesperson: “That’s the address, right there. RestaurantName.com.”
Dean: “That’s just their website. I need the whole address.”
Salesperson: “Just send it to that address.”
Dean: “I can’t. That’s not an address.”
Salesperson: “I don’t know why you won’t send it to that address.”
Dean: "This isn’t an address. It doesn’t have the first part. You know, the ‘someone@’ part.”
Salesperson: “I don’t know about any someone-at part. Just send it to this address.”
Round and round they went. Dean finally asked the salesperson, “Okay, what’s your e-mail address?”
Salesperson: “CompanyName.com.”
Dean: “No, that’s just the domain. Your e-mail address has the ‘someone@’ part in front of it.”
Salesperson: “Huh? I don’t know what you mean. That’s my e-mail address.”
This salesperson had been complaining lately that he wasn’t getting things he had asked people to e-mail him. No doubt because he’s been giving his e-mail address as just “CompanyName.com.”
Dean gave up, went to the restaurant’s website, checked the “contact us” section, found an e-mail address that he recognized as the owner’s nickname, and sent him the spot.
He then made a heroic effort to explain to the salesperson that his e-mail address was actually FirstName@CompanyName.com. To no avail. The salesperson was having none of this silly ‘someone-at’ business. He’s still giving out his e-mail address as CompanyName.com. And still complaining that he’s not getting his e-mail.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Summer, meet winter.
This is one of my petunias this morning.
Summer, meet winter. So much for fall.
Just how crappy is the weather here today?
5. We put a keg of brandy around Woody’s neck. It’s not for rescuing anyone. We’re just too lazy to keep walking to the liquor cabinet.
4. I’m getting all nostalgic for those balmy North Dakota winters.
3. Senator Max Baucus’ local office has switched over to its usual winter heat source: burning bales of insurance lobbyist money.
2. Glenn Beck is claiming the weather system is illegitimate unless Old Man Winter can produce a certified birth certificate.
1. Letterman’s busy writing an apology for it.
Summer, meet winter. So much for fall.
Just how crappy is the weather here today?
5. We put a keg of brandy around Woody’s neck. It’s not for rescuing anyone. We’re just too lazy to keep walking to the liquor cabinet.
4. I’m getting all nostalgic for those balmy North Dakota winters.
3. Senator Max Baucus’ local office has switched over to its usual winter heat source: burning bales of insurance lobbyist money.
2. Glenn Beck is claiming the weather system is illegitimate unless Old Man Winter can produce a certified birth certificate.
1. Letterman’s busy writing an apology for it.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Roguey Maverick, or Mavericky Rogue?
Is Sarah Palin a roguey maverick, or a mavericky rogue? Then again, “Going Rogue” could be a misspelling and perhaps the book is really full of makeup tips.
Top five alternate titles for Sarah Palin’s book:
5. Russian Dressing: How Foreign Policy Experience Can Get You Some Great Designer Duds
4. Oh, the Things I Know! How to make moose chili, bag a running wolf from a helicopter, and get a great deal on a used snow machine.
3. I don’t have any title ideas right now, but I’ll find some and bring ‘em to ya.
2. The Lyin, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
1. I know I said “five titles,” but I’m quittin’ this list now ‘cause I’m not gonna be some dead fish go-with-the-flow lame duck writer who “finishes” stuff.
Top five alternate titles for Sarah Palin’s book:
5. Russian Dressing: How Foreign Policy Experience Can Get You Some Great Designer Duds
4. Oh, the Things I Know! How to make moose chili, bag a running wolf from a helicopter, and get a great deal on a used snow machine.
3. I don’t have any title ideas right now, but I’ll find some and bring ‘em to ya.
2. The Lyin, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
1. I know I said “five titles,” but I’m quittin’ this list now ‘cause I’m not gonna be some dead fish go-with-the-flow lame duck writer who “finishes” stuff.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Merging of Greatness
Oh sure, no one’s reading this today. You’re all swilling down suds and doing shooters at the “merging of greatness” party.
Top five changes now that the IT department has moved in to the main office:
5. The constant noise from “Guitar Hero” echoing up and down the halls all day – someone needs to tell Pat to knock it off and get to work.
4. The geek quotient at the main office just increased in direct proportion to the likelihood of your blog being hacked if you mention the increase in the geek quotient.
3. Before decorating the new offices, IT staffers have to present three concepts with storyboards and rationales for the creative direction.
2. The culture clash on casual Fridays, when “unbutton the top vest button” meets “assless chaps.”
1. No big change, really. If the IT folks want to talk to you, they’re still going to do it through e-mail, texting or blogging no matter where they are.
Top five changes now that the IT department has moved in to the main office:
5. The constant noise from “Guitar Hero” echoing up and down the halls all day – someone needs to tell Pat to knock it off and get to work.
4. The geek quotient at the main office just increased in direct proportion to the likelihood of your blog being hacked if you mention the increase in the geek quotient.
3. Before decorating the new offices, IT staffers have to present three concepts with storyboards and rationales for the creative direction.
2. The culture clash on casual Fridays, when “unbutton the top vest button” meets “assless chaps.”
1. No big change, really. If the IT folks want to talk to you, they’re still going to do it through e-mail, texting or blogging no matter where they are.
Friday, September 18, 2009
RIP Dalton
In honor of the late Patrick Swayze, here are five of the best lines from one of the best bad movies ever made: “Roadhouse”:
5. “Pain don't hurt.”
4. “You're too stupid to have a good time.”
3. “We've got entirely too many troublemakers here. Too many 40-year-old adolescents, felons, power drinkers and trustees of modern chemistry.”
2. Doc: “Your file says you've got a degree from NYU. What in?”
Dalton: “Philosophy . . . man's search for faith. That sort of shit.
And of course the movie’s signature line:
1. “I thought you'd be bigger.”
And one of our all-time favorites:
Red Webster: "How long are you gonna be in town?"
Dalton: "Not very long."
Red Webster: "That's what I said 25 years ago."
Dalton: "Really? What happened?"
Red Webster: "I got married to an ugly woman. Don't ever do that. It just takes the energy right out of you. She left me, though. Found somebody even uglier than she was. That's life. Who can explain it?"
Roadhouse: the best bad movie that ever inspired a Christmas carol. RIP Dalton.
5. “Pain don't hurt.”
4. “You're too stupid to have a good time.”
3. “We've got entirely too many troublemakers here. Too many 40-year-old adolescents, felons, power drinkers and trustees of modern chemistry.”
2. Doc: “Your file says you've got a degree from NYU. What in?”
Dalton: “Philosophy . . . man's search for faith. That sort of shit.
And of course the movie’s signature line:
1. “I thought you'd be bigger.”
And one of our all-time favorites:
Red Webster: "How long are you gonna be in town?"
Dalton: "Not very long."
Red Webster: "That's what I said 25 years ago."
Dalton: "Really? What happened?"
Red Webster: "I got married to an ugly woman. Don't ever do that. It just takes the energy right out of you. She left me, though. Found somebody even uglier than she was. That's life. Who can explain it?"
Roadhouse: the best bad movie that ever inspired a Christmas carol. RIP Dalton.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Lies and the Lying Liars Who Yell Them
So this is what our civil discourse has come to. The president encouraging children to stay in school and study hard is indocternashun! Sosholism! The president giving a speech outlining his health care reform proposal is HitlerHitlerHITLER!
Stay classy, Joe Wilson. No doubt you’ll be outside some town hall this weekend, holding up a sign demanding that Obama release his “real burth cerfikate,” covered of course by Fox News, where the graphic will read, “Rep. Joe Wilson, (D) – SC.”
On the upside, his outburst did raise over $750,000 in campaign donations – for his opponent, Rob Miller.
And so, inevitably, instead of covering, oh, I don’t know, maybe the facts about health care reform, the media bobbleheads are all bobbling their heads over just how much of an ass clown Joe Wilson is. The point isn’t how rude he was. It’s how wrong he was. He was wrongedy-wrong wrong wrong. But never mind. Facts are boring, make for dull television, and have a well-known liberal bias. So it doesn’t matter much what Wilson yelled. What matters is the yelling. Could have been anything, really.
Top five things Joe Wilson really yelled during Obama’s speech:
5. I like your tie!
4. I’m so high!
3. Ham on rye!
2. The end is nigh!
1. Who wants pie?
And if you really want to be taken seriously, can we have less yelling and more spelling?
Stay classy, Joe Wilson. No doubt you’ll be outside some town hall this weekend, holding up a sign demanding that Obama release his “real burth cerfikate,” covered of course by Fox News, where the graphic will read, “Rep. Joe Wilson, (D) – SC.”
On the upside, his outburst did raise over $750,000 in campaign donations – for his opponent, Rob Miller.
And so, inevitably, instead of covering, oh, I don’t know, maybe the facts about health care reform, the media bobbleheads are all bobbling their heads over just how much of an ass clown Joe Wilson is. The point isn’t how rude he was. It’s how wrong he was. He was wrongedy-wrong wrong wrong. But never mind. Facts are boring, make for dull television, and have a well-known liberal bias. So it doesn’t matter much what Wilson yelled. What matters is the yelling. Could have been anything, really.
Top five things Joe Wilson really yelled during Obama’s speech:
5. I like your tie!
4. I’m so high!
3. Ham on rye!
2. The end is nigh!
1. Who wants pie?
And if you really want to be taken seriously, can we have less yelling and more spelling?
Friday, September 4, 2009
So Long, Summer
Labor Day weekend already, when we all say to ourselves, “Where the hell did the summer go?”
Top five signs summer’s over:
5. Nuts at town hall meetings have switched to heavier sweaters, coats and ammunition.
4. Glenn Beck’s face turning deep, dark shade of red . . . oh, sorry, that’s just a sign of yet another psychotic rant.
3. Paris Hilton spotted buying warm, modest, sensible clothing. For her dog, but baby steps, baby steps.
2. Media-savvy congressmen can now stage their sex-scandal-confessional press conferences against colorful autumn backdrops.
1. Woody has switched to his cold-weather booties.
And he looks pretty happy about it, doesn’t he?
His feet are better but still a bit red and ragged and he keeps licking them, so that means the booties stay on for now. So I guess I’ll be seeing that reproachful “why must you humiliate me in front of my squirrel enemies?” expression for awhile yet.
Top five signs summer’s over:
5. Nuts at town hall meetings have switched to heavier sweaters, coats and ammunition.
4. Glenn Beck’s face turning deep, dark shade of red . . . oh, sorry, that’s just a sign of yet another psychotic rant.
3. Paris Hilton spotted buying warm, modest, sensible clothing. For her dog, but baby steps, baby steps.
2. Media-savvy congressmen can now stage their sex-scandal-confessional press conferences against colorful autumn backdrops.
1. Woody has switched to his cold-weather booties.
And he looks pretty happy about it, doesn’t he?
His feet are better but still a bit red and ragged and he keeps licking them, so that means the booties stay on for now. So I guess I’ll be seeing that reproachful “why must you humiliate me in front of my squirrel enemies?” expression for awhile yet.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Must. Get. That. Cologne.
Because Paramount hasn’t yet milked the last drop from its Star Trek cash cow, now you can smell like the geek that you are, with Star Trek fragrances. There’s Tiberius, the man-musky Captain Kirk scent that’s irresistible to green-skinned space babes. Red Shirt, for the expendable man in your life. And Pon Farr, the logical choice for the ladies who want to drive their favorite Vulcan wild. Why stop there?
Top five other Star Trek fragrances:
5. Phaser: One drop is stunning. Two drops are killer.
4. Tribble: Sure to make his passion multiply.
3. Borg: Resistance to this fragrance is futile.
2. Warp Drive: Makes you want to break the laws of physics.
1. Holodeck: Smells like whatever the plot needs it to smell like.
Top five other Star Trek fragrances:
5. Phaser: One drop is stunning. Two drops are killer.
4. Tribble: Sure to make his passion multiply.
3. Borg: Resistance to this fragrance is futile.
2. Warp Drive: Makes you want to break the laws of physics.
1. Holodeck: Smells like whatever the plot needs it to smell like.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Oh, those hilarious photos of you on Facebook. You know, the ones taken after you’d had a few too many tequila shooters. Your friends think they’re so funny. The human resources director who just interviewed you for your dream job might find them not so much funny as . . . informative. Forty-five percent of employers are now using social networking sites to research potential hires.
Top five things on your Facebook page that will really impress prospective employers:
5. The 25 – 30 lengthy, detailed updates every day, time-stamped as having been posted during working hours at your current job.
4. Access information for your company’s e-mail server, intranet, PayPal account and credit card info, to cleverly keep it handy in case you forget.
3. Helpful guides to beating drug tests, polygraph tests, and evading tricky questions like, “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?”
2. Your brilliant business plan: a) collect underpants, b) ????, c) profit!
1. Your resignation, crazy-ass rants about all the scary things in the proposed health care reform, and a picture of your husband’s bitchin’ new snow machine.
Top five things on your Facebook page that will really impress prospective employers:
5. The 25 – 30 lengthy, detailed updates every day, time-stamped as having been posted during working hours at your current job.
4. Access information for your company’s e-mail server, intranet, PayPal account and credit card info, to cleverly keep it handy in case you forget.
3. Helpful guides to beating drug tests, polygraph tests, and evading tricky questions like, “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?”
2. Your brilliant business plan: a) collect underpants, b) ????, c) profit!
1. Your resignation, crazy-ass rants about all the scary things in the proposed health care reform, and a picture of your husband’s bitchin’ new snow machine.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Birthers and deathers: cradle to grave crazy
Thanks to what passes for “journalism” these days, we know that the two most important issues facing our country are:
1. Obama not only wasn’t born in America, he probably wasn’t even born at all, and
2. The illegitimate non-born un-president wants to kill your grandmother.
Top five other things the birthers and the deathers want you to know about Obama:
5. As a kid in 1969, he faked the moon landing with a bucket of army soldiers, a volleyball and a Kodak Super 8.
4. Of course he’s a vampire. Duh. The only question is whether he’s an angsty Twilight type, a brooding-sexy TrueBlood type, or a just-plain-mean Buffy type.
3. He’s going to get the government involved in Medicare!
2. Of course he wants to kill your grandma. How else is he supposed to conquer the world with an army of grandma zombies?
1. His stupid health care plan doesn’t even cover the basics, like dog booties.
1. Obama not only wasn’t born in America, he probably wasn’t even born at all, and
2. The illegitimate non-born un-president wants to kill your grandmother.
Top five other things the birthers and the deathers want you to know about Obama:
5. As a kid in 1969, he faked the moon landing with a bucket of army soldiers, a volleyball and a Kodak Super 8.
4. Of course he’s a vampire. Duh. The only question is whether he’s an angsty Twilight type, a brooding-sexy TrueBlood type, or a just-plain-mean Buffy type.
3. He’s going to get the government involved in Medicare!
2. Of course he wants to kill your grandma. How else is he supposed to conquer the world with an army of grandma zombies?
1. His stupid health care plan doesn’t even cover the basics, like dog booties.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Booty-licious
Last week I noticed Woody was persistently licking his hind feet, so I checked them out. His footpads were in bad shape -- cut, scraped up and raw-looking -- so we went to the vet. The regular vet was out of town so we saw a different one, a nice woman with a strong German accent.
She thought Woody’s feet looked like they’d been scraped against rough cement or pavement. She cleaned up his hind feet, put on some ointment and bandaged them up, then sent ointment and bandages home with instructions to apply daily and get some booties to keep the bandages in place. She also said to check around to see if there’s anything sharp or jagged that he might be scraping his feet on.
Well, that rang a bell. Woody loves to play the running game. He stands on the deck and we say “okay,” and he tears off down the stairs, across the driveway and skids to a halt at the edge of the embankment, right in front of his favorite squirrel tree. There’s usually a squirrel somewhere in the branches to taunt him as he barks at it. He’s actually worn a groove in the driveway from doing this numerous times daily for years. So I checked and sure enough, at the end of the groove worn by his feet was a rock with sharp, jagged horizontal edges.
I pried out the rock, and he’ll be wearing cute little Winnie-the-Pooh booties on his hind feet for awhile. Damn squirrels. But he gets a treat every time I change the bandages and booties so it's not a total loss.
"The treats are delicious . . .
. . . but the booties are still embarrassing."
The vet, by the way, was from Germany, and she said when she came over here to study, her lack of English language skills almost cost her an internship. Her veterinary work was fine, but they also tested her communications skills. One question tripped her up. She was asked about what animals frequently transmit rabies. She knew one important answer to that question, but almost flunked because she didn’t know how to say it in English. The problematic word: squirrel.
It’s always the squirrels. They're cheeky little bastards.
She thought Woody’s feet looked like they’d been scraped against rough cement or pavement. She cleaned up his hind feet, put on some ointment and bandaged them up, then sent ointment and bandages home with instructions to apply daily and get some booties to keep the bandages in place. She also said to check around to see if there’s anything sharp or jagged that he might be scraping his feet on.
Well, that rang a bell. Woody loves to play the running game. He stands on the deck and we say “okay,” and he tears off down the stairs, across the driveway and skids to a halt at the edge of the embankment, right in front of his favorite squirrel tree. There’s usually a squirrel somewhere in the branches to taunt him as he barks at it. He’s actually worn a groove in the driveway from doing this numerous times daily for years. So I checked and sure enough, at the end of the groove worn by his feet was a rock with sharp, jagged horizontal edges.
I pried out the rock, and he’ll be wearing cute little Winnie-the-Pooh booties on his hind feet for awhile. Damn squirrels. But he gets a treat every time I change the bandages and booties so it's not a total loss.
"The treats are delicious . . .
. . . but the booties are still embarrassing."
The vet, by the way, was from Germany, and she said when she came over here to study, her lack of English language skills almost cost her an internship. Her veterinary work was fine, but they also tested her communications skills. One question tripped her up. She was asked about what animals frequently transmit rabies. She knew one important answer to that question, but almost flunked because she didn’t know how to say it in English. The problematic word: squirrel.
It’s always the squirrels. They're cheeky little bastards.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
American Journalism, RIP
Once the most trusted man in America and a television icon for decades, Walter Cronkite recently passed away at the age of 92. He was preceded in death by American journalism, which had been comatose for years and finally gave up the ghost the day Glenn Beck got a “news” show. Cronkite is survived by today’s most trusted newscaster in America, Jon Stewart.
Top five signs American journalism is dead:
5. Seriously. Jon “I do a fake news show” Stewart.
4. The frenzied 24-hour media coverage of a recent celebrity death. Why can’t they just let the Taco Bell chihuahua rest in peace?
3. The most important things to know about Obama, according to recent press stories: he throws like a girl, wears stupid jeans, and likes funny foreign mustard.
2. Birth certificate scandal! Just where WAS Lou Dobbs born, anyway?
1. “Hey Bob, got some kinda Egyptian story here and I gotta make a graphic. I dunno where Egypt should go on the map.”
“Just pick any of them foreign countries.”
“Won’t people notice if I get it wrong?”
“You do realize you work for Fox News, right?”
Bonus points if you can identify the country mislabled as Egypt. Anyone, anyone? Bueller? Because I guess you can't expect anyone at Fox News to be able to locate the country we've been at war with for six friggin' years on a map.
Top five signs American journalism is dead:
5. Seriously. Jon “I do a fake news show” Stewart.
4. The frenzied 24-hour media coverage of a recent celebrity death. Why can’t they just let the Taco Bell chihuahua rest in peace?
3. The most important things to know about Obama, according to recent press stories: he throws like a girl, wears stupid jeans, and likes funny foreign mustard.
2. Birth certificate scandal! Just where WAS Lou Dobbs born, anyway?
1. “Hey Bob, got some kinda Egyptian story here and I gotta make a graphic. I dunno where Egypt should go on the map.”
“Just pick any of them foreign countries.”
“Won’t people notice if I get it wrong?”
“You do realize you work for Fox News, right?”
Bonus points if you can identify the country mislabled as Egypt. Anyone, anyone? Bueller? Because I guess you can't expect anyone at Fox News to be able to locate the country we've been at war with for six friggin' years on a map.
Friday, July 17, 2009
I'm still going to teach him new tricks, though . . .
Earlier this week Woody saw a squirrel on the steps to our deck, took off in a blur of fur, got about halfway down and yelped like he’d been shot. And hey, around here you never know. His momentum carried him down the stairs, where he was standing on three legs, left hind leg pulled up as high as he could get it. I checked him over as well as I could and then he slowly lowered the leg and took a few careful limpy steps. I took him to the vet and it turns out he has a compressed disc in his spine that’s pinching a nerve. We had noticed that he was kind of hopping up the stairs lately and his usually smooth gait was looking a little stiff.
So now he’s on doggie ibuprofen. Apparently the problem is fairly common in “dogs his age” – well, he is seven and I guess that’s middle age for dogs.
Top five signs your dog is getting old:
5. The radio mysteriously keeps getting reset to the station that plays the golden oldies of his youth, way back in 2006.
4. Instead of actually running after the squirrels, he’s now acting as a “squirrel chasing and harassment consultant.”
3. Keeps complaining that other dogs’ butts just don’t smell as good as they used to.
2. Still does that embarrassing humping motion, but now it’s just the way he gets up the stairs.
1. The only yard signs in the neighborhood he didn’t pee on last fall: “McCain 2008.”
So now he’s on doggie ibuprofen. Apparently the problem is fairly common in “dogs his age” – well, he is seven and I guess that’s middle age for dogs.
Top five signs your dog is getting old:
5. The radio mysteriously keeps getting reset to the station that plays the golden oldies of his youth, way back in 2006.
4. Instead of actually running after the squirrels, he’s now acting as a “squirrel chasing and harassment consultant.”
3. Keeps complaining that other dogs’ butts just don’t smell as good as they used to.
2. Still does that embarrassing humping motion, but now it’s just the way he gets up the stairs.
1. The only yard signs in the neighborhood he didn’t pee on last fall: “McCain 2008.”
Friday, July 10, 2009
How Can We Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?
Is Sarah Palin plain old crazy? Or crazy like a Fox News anchor? She has a lot of armchair psychiatrists reaching for the DSM-IV, but I think she’s the first example of a new disorder: Munchausen’s by Media, in which the afflicted person compulsively uses the media to complain that she’s being victimized by too much media attention.
Top five real reasons Sarah Palin resigned:
5. Gonna catch up on her readin’ and show that damn Katie Couric a thing or two.
4. It was all a ploy to get free publicity for new line of designer chest waders.
3. She doesn’t have any reasons right now, but she’ll find some and bring ‘em to ya.
2. Wanted to be free to sneak off to Argentina to indulge her real passion: hunting water buffalo.
1. Wanted to be free to sneak off to New York to indulge her real passion: hunting David Letterman.
Top five real reasons Sarah Palin resigned:
5. Gonna catch up on her readin’ and show that damn Katie Couric a thing or two.
4. It was all a ploy to get free publicity for new line of designer chest waders.
3. She doesn’t have any reasons right now, but she’ll find some and bring ‘em to ya.
2. Wanted to be free to sneak off to Argentina to indulge her real passion: hunting water buffalo.
1. Wanted to be free to sneak off to New York to indulge her real passion: hunting David Letterman.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Top five places “missing” governors go:
5. Montana: “Where was I last week -- that’s a good question, son. By the way, have you seen my gun collection? Mighty fine, isn’t it? Now you wanna ask me that again, or do ya figure it’s my own damn business?”
4. California: Anywhere, as long as the travel agency will take an I.O.U.
3. Alaska: Anywhere, as long as the government pays for the trip.
2. North Dakota: off to do something crazy in an exotic foreign destination, like fishing in Manitoba.
1. South Dakota: North Dakota. “And bring yer money!”
4. California: Anywhere, as long as the travel agency will take an I.O.U.
3. Alaska: Anywhere, as long as the government pays for the trip.
2. North Dakota: off to do something crazy in an exotic foreign destination, like fishing in Manitoba.
1. South Dakota: North Dakota. “And bring yer money!”
Another Day, Another GOP Sex Scandal
It’s been days since there was a Republican sex scandal, so kudos to Governor Mark Sanford for adding the “sneaking off to Argentina” twist, giving us a delightful new euphemism for infidelity in “hiking the Appalachian Trail,” and providing us with emails worthy of a tepid romance novel.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the affair, the lies, or the spelling.
By now we know the routine: the confessional press conference, followed by the inevitable Fox graphic misidentifying the party affiliation of the misbehaving politician.
They do this a lot.
Sometimes it's not even a scandal. Republican lost to a Democrat? Just switch those party affiliations on the graphic.
You have to admire their absolute confidence in the stupidity of their audience. “Just say they’re Dems. Our viewers will never know the difference.”
I’m not sure what’s worse: the affair, the lies, or the spelling.
By now we know the routine: the confessional press conference, followed by the inevitable Fox graphic misidentifying the party affiliation of the misbehaving politician.
They do this a lot.
Sometimes it's not even a scandal. Republican lost to a Democrat? Just switch those party affiliations on the graphic.
You have to admire their absolute confidence in the stupidity of their audience. “Just say they’re Dems. Our viewers will never know the difference.”
Friday, June 19, 2009
I can't come in to work today. My car has a virus.
I recently learned that some of my coworkers have cars that run on Microsoft Windows. Oddly, this does not seem to frighten them. Top five signs your car runs on Windows:
5. It takes five minutes to start it up, five minutes to shut it off, and it randomly restarts itself throughout the day.
4. Your engine has more bugs than your windshield.
3. If you use low-octane gas, you get an “invalid fuel format” error.
2. The good news: If you have an accident, it automatically calls for help. The bad news: It calls the Geek Squad.
1. You really, really don’t want to see its Blue Screen of Death.
5. It takes five minutes to start it up, five minutes to shut it off, and it randomly restarts itself throughout the day.
4. Your engine has more bugs than your windshield.
3. If you use low-octane gas, you get an “invalid fuel format” error.
2. The good news: If you have an accident, it automatically calls for help. The bad news: It calls the Geek Squad.
1. You really, really don’t want to see its Blue Screen of Death.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
AC Installation FAIL
This is room 225 of the Comfort Inn in Minot, North Dakota.
“Hey Bob, ya think we need to install this thing so it vents to the outside?”
“Nah, this’ll work just fine.”
Yes, the AC was installed to vent into the hallway. I was in Room 222, so I got a nice blast of hot air every time I went to or from my room. Note to self: when hiring contractors to do stuff like this, be very specific.
“Hey Bob, ya think it matters where the sewage drains out?”
“Nah. They just said to do the plumbing. They didn’t say how.”
“Hey Bob, ya think we need to install this thing so it vents to the outside?”
“Nah, this’ll work just fine.”
Yes, the AC was installed to vent into the hallway. I was in Room 222, so I got a nice blast of hot air every time I went to or from my room. Note to self: when hiring contractors to do stuff like this, be very specific.
“Hey Bob, ya think it matters where the sewage drains out?”
“Nah. They just said to do the plumbing. They didn’t say how.”
Friday, June 12, 2009
Keeping the Bears at Bay
Our feeder-robbing friend didn’t come back yesterday, so maybe he’s moved on to someplace not protected by fearsome creatures like Woody, or me and my garden trowel.
Top five ways to keep the bears away:
5. When decorating your deck, don’t go with the pic-a-nic basket theme.
4. Scented outdoor candles: good idea. Scented outdoor candles that smell like honey, huckleberries and slightly rancid salmon: bad idea.
3. Make being on the deck dangerously unpredictable by throwing random things out the window. Like my *&^% laptop when it ^#$* reboots itself like it did just now.
2. Old fragrance: Opium. New fragrance: pepper spray.
1. Set a TV outside tuned to Fox News. That should repel almost anything.
Top five ways to keep the bears away:
5. When decorating your deck, don’t go with the pic-a-nic basket theme.
4. Scented outdoor candles: good idea. Scented outdoor candles that smell like honey, huckleberries and slightly rancid salmon: bad idea.
3. Make being on the deck dangerously unpredictable by throwing random things out the window. Like my *&^% laptop when it ^#$* reboots itself like it did just now.
2. Old fragrance: Opium. New fragrance: pepper spray.
1. Set a TV outside tuned to Fox News. That should repel almost anything.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
He's baaack . . .
And this time I didn't even have a garden trowel. My camera was handy, though. He smushed the bird feeder but I think we can bend it back into shape. He doesn't seem too intimidated by people, which is definitely a bad thing. He jumped off the deck and was messing around in the big planter below the deck, where I had just planted the rest of the flowers last night.
I went out the downstairs door to make some noise to chase him away, and he just looked at me, like "hmmm, why is she making funny noises?" He finally did saunter away.
Woody loves to spend almost all day out on the deck when the weather's nice. Now I'm debating. Should I leave him out on bearwatch, or keep him in? I think keeping him in is winning for now. We don't know if this is a "run away from the dog" bear, or a "that dog looks tasty" bear.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Bearwatch 2009
Yesterday Dean and Woody went into town to get some Preen (I’m telling you, that stuff works) while I got out my trowel, a bunch of planters and the usual jumble of flowers. Every spring I have the same plan, which is “go buy a bunch of stuff that looks pretty and then come home and try to figure out what to do with it all.”
I spread everything out on the ground, allocated various petunias, geraniums and lantanas to various planters, and had just plunged my trowel into the potting soil to start planting when I heard a rustling noise in the embankment at the edge of our driveway. Oh great, the turkeys were coming to bother me when I was trying to get the planting done. They come up over the embankment and gobble at me until I give them some sunflower seeds.
Except it wasn’t a turkey. It was a black bear, about twenty feet away, looking at me curiously, like he was trying to figure out who I was and whether I’d be delicious. Oh crap. If the door behind me was locked, the only way into the house was up on the deck, and to get there I’d have to walk toward the bear.
When I stood up, the bear looked alarmed and ran off. Well, I was armed with a garden trowel. The door behind me turned out to be unlocked. I did what any sensible person would do when confronted with a bear in the front yard – I got my camera and went out on the deck to see if he felt like posing for a photo op. I heard rustling in the trees and it sounded like he was running off. Guess my trowel looked pretty fearsome.
Dean pulled up a few minutes later and said he’d seen a black bear running up the road just north of our place, going up a narrow gravel lane that heads steeply up into the mountains. So I couldn’t use “bear danger” as an excuse not to get on with the planting. Besides, now I had Woody there on bearwatch duty, and you know how good he is at that.
I spread everything out on the ground, allocated various petunias, geraniums and lantanas to various planters, and had just plunged my trowel into the potting soil to start planting when I heard a rustling noise in the embankment at the edge of our driveway. Oh great, the turkeys were coming to bother me when I was trying to get the planting done. They come up over the embankment and gobble at me until I give them some sunflower seeds.
Except it wasn’t a turkey. It was a black bear, about twenty feet away, looking at me curiously, like he was trying to figure out who I was and whether I’d be delicious. Oh crap. If the door behind me was locked, the only way into the house was up on the deck, and to get there I’d have to walk toward the bear.
When I stood up, the bear looked alarmed and ran off. Well, I was armed with a garden trowel. The door behind me turned out to be unlocked. I did what any sensible person would do when confronted with a bear in the front yard – I got my camera and went out on the deck to see if he felt like posing for a photo op. I heard rustling in the trees and it sounded like he was running off. Guess my trowel looked pretty fearsome.
Dean pulled up a few minutes later and said he’d seen a black bear running up the road just north of our place, going up a narrow gravel lane that heads steeply up into the mountains. So I couldn’t use “bear danger” as an excuse not to get on with the planting. Besides, now I had Woody there on bearwatch duty, and you know how good he is at that.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Thanks guys!
The problem with working in an office with just Woody is that he’s not very quotable. Adorable, sure, but his conversation tends to be limited to the dog version of “Could you open the door please?” and requests to have various body parts petted and/or scratched. So it was nice to work in a real office with real people, mainly because all I had to do for this week’s list was write down about five minutes’ worth of our Monday morning conversation.
Top five actual quotes from the Minot office:
5. “It was hard to find any pictures that were decent enough to post online.”
4. “Everyone was using the stripper pole.”
3. “Then they’d put the duck in an inappropriate place.”
2. “She’d taken her bra off and was swinging it over her head.”
1. “So I told him, ‘Go into your backside and check your junk.’”
Thanks guys! If I had live streaming audio from your office, the Friday 5 would write itself every week.
Top five actual quotes from the Minot office:
5. “It was hard to find any pictures that were decent enough to post online.”
4. “Everyone was using the stripper pole.”
3. “Then they’d put the duck in an inappropriate place.”
2. “She’d taken her bra off and was swinging it over her head.”
1. “So I told him, ‘Go into your backside and check your junk.’”
Thanks guys! If I had live streaming audio from your office, the Friday 5 would write itself every week.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Top five highlights of working in Bismarck:
5. Pat giving us nice treats on our trip to DGC, like ice cream and listening to Fox News.
4. Relatively bear-free environment, except for Barth when I ask for more changes in the CMS.
3. The four taps on the faucets: hot, cold, lager and stout.
2. Enjoying the sunshine and fresh air of our fabulous rooftop terrace . . . oh damn. Next trip it’s gonna be the Fargo office.
1. Going home and working with Woody, because you guys all look at me funny when I offer to scratch behind your ears. Well, most of you anyway.
4. Relatively bear-free environment, except for Barth when I ask for more changes in the CMS.
3. The four taps on the faucets: hot, cold, lager and stout.
2. Enjoying the sunshine and fresh air of our fabulous rooftop terrace . . . oh damn. Next trip it’s gonna be the Fargo office.
1. Going home and working with Woody, because you guys all look at me funny when I offer to scratch behind your ears. Well, most of you anyway.
Friday, May 22, 2009
In April and May we start looking for all of those “firsts” that are signs of spring. First robin, April 22. First hummingbird, April 24. First tulips blooming, May 8. First bear sighting, May 16. Dean was going to work Saturday morning when a bear ambled across the road not far from our place. Unperturbed by the car trying to get around him, he sat down in the road to enjoy a snack of roadkill bird. Dean edged closer, revved the engine, honked his horn, and finally the bear reluctantly left his free snack to let Dean get by.
You know you’ve lived in Montana awhile when you hear that and your first question is, “What color was the bear?”
Dean: “Cinnamon. Not too big, around 200 – 250 pounds I’d guess.”
Me: “Was it tall and skinny with a dark brown face and paws?”
Dean: “Nope.”
Me: “Doesn’t sound like the one that used to get into our hummingbird feeders. That was a cinnamon bear, but the face and paws were really dark. And the one that was hanging around here last year was black.”
When someone sees a bear, you want to figure out which bear. This one didn’t sound familiar so maybe it’s new to the area. By now I’m sure the local bears have warned him about the fearsome Woody. “Sometimes he’ll chase you, but sometimes he just stands there and looks at you like a goofball. So if you like raiding bird feeders, give it a shot.”
You know you’ve lived in Montana awhile when you hear that and your first question is, “What color was the bear?”
Dean: “Cinnamon. Not too big, around 200 – 250 pounds I’d guess.”
Me: “Was it tall and skinny with a dark brown face and paws?”
Dean: “Nope.”
Me: “Doesn’t sound like the one that used to get into our hummingbird feeders. That was a cinnamon bear, but the face and paws were really dark. And the one that was hanging around here last year was black.”
When someone sees a bear, you want to figure out which bear. This one didn’t sound familiar so maybe it’s new to the area. By now I’m sure the local bears have warned him about the fearsome Woody. “Sometimes he’ll chase you, but sometimes he just stands there and looks at you like a goofball. So if you like raiding bird feeders, give it a shot.”
Friday, May 15, 2009
Hitting the road next week . . .
Top five highlights of coming to North Dakota:
5. No pesky mountains to get in the way of the view.
4. Like Montana, gun ownership is legal. Unlike Montana, gun ownership is optional.
3. Real electricity! I won’t have to pedal all day to power my laptop.
2. That big sign at the MT/ND border: “Welcome to North Dakota. With 99.9 percent fewer bears.”
1. My squirrel-pelt slippers will be considered a cute novelty rather than a fashion staple.
5. No pesky mountains to get in the way of the view.
4. Like Montana, gun ownership is legal. Unlike Montana, gun ownership is optional.
3. Real electricity! I won’t have to pedal all day to power my laptop.
2. That big sign at the MT/ND border: “Welcome to North Dakota. With 99.9 percent fewer bears.”
1. My squirrel-pelt slippers will be considered a cute novelty rather than a fashion staple.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Everything Old is New Again, Star Trek Edition
In honor of the new Star Trek movie, the top five bestsellers from the original cast:
5. Scotty’s practical yet philosophical “Zen and the Art of Warp Core Maintenance.”
4. Uhura’s searing indictment of Star Fleet’s glass ceiling, “Open Your Own Damned Hailing Frequency.”
3. Spock’s candid memoir, “Nobody Knows the Tribbles I’ve Seen.”
2. Kirk’s racy bio, “Men are from Mars, Green-Skinned Space Babes are from Orion.”
1. Sulu’s racy bio, “Men are from Mars. So When Are We Going to Mars Again?”
5. Scotty’s practical yet philosophical “Zen and the Art of Warp Core Maintenance.”
4. Uhura’s searing indictment of Star Fleet’s glass ceiling, “Open Your Own Damned Hailing Frequency.”
3. Spock’s candid memoir, “Nobody Knows the Tribbles I’ve Seen.”
2. Kirk’s racy bio, “Men are from Mars, Green-Skinned Space Babes are from Orion.”
1. Sulu’s racy bio, “Men are from Mars. So When Are We Going to Mars Again?”
Friday, May 1, 2009
A Chicago man has opened a prison-themed hot dog stand that hires only ex-cons. Top five things on the menu:
5. Misdemeanor Weiner: sure it’ll give you indigestion, but you’ll only be in the bathroom for a few minutes.
4. Felony Frankfurter: for this one, you may be in for 10 – 20.
3. Hamburglary: served up in the window of the chuckwagon. If you can grab it and get away, it’s yours.
2. The Smokey Dog: priced in cigarettes.
1. And because it’s Illinois, the Blagojevich Bratwurst: better get a receipt, because even if the transaction is on tape, they’ll deny they ever tried to sell it to you.
5. Misdemeanor Weiner: sure it’ll give you indigestion, but you’ll only be in the bathroom for a few minutes.
4. Felony Frankfurter: for this one, you may be in for 10 – 20.
3. Hamburglary: served up in the window of the chuckwagon. If you can grab it and get away, it’s yours.
2. The Smokey Dog: priced in cigarettes.
1. And because it’s Illinois, the Blagojevich Bratwurst: better get a receipt, because even if the transaction is on tape, they’ll deny they ever tried to sell it to you.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Top five quotes from First Dog Bo at his first press conference:
5. “To those who have accused me of being a source of White House leaks, I’d like to say that except for that little incident in the Blue Room, I always make it to the Rose Garden in time.”
4. “Yeah, they changed my name from Charlie to Bo. Hey, call me whatever you want as long as you keep the Milk Bones coming.”
3. “I’ve been told I’m not allowed to bite journalists. Fortunately that doesn’t mean I can’t take a chunk out of Bill O’Reilly’s ass if I get the chance.”
2. “So I’m the big story, right? Little pup like me makes it to the big leagues, now I’m top dog, so to speak, the feel-good story of the week, the underdog who becomes a media sensation . . . what? Who the hell is Susan Boyle?”
1. “They had to buy me a new leash. There was one left behind in an office that used to belong to some guy named Cheney, but it had ‘Dubya’ stenciled on it.”
4. “Yeah, they changed my name from Charlie to Bo. Hey, call me whatever you want as long as you keep the Milk Bones coming.”
3. “I’ve been told I’m not allowed to bite journalists. Fortunately that doesn’t mean I can’t take a chunk out of Bill O’Reilly’s ass if I get the chance.”
2. “So I’m the big story, right? Little pup like me makes it to the big leagues, now I’m top dog, so to speak, the feel-good story of the week, the underdog who becomes a media sensation . . . what? Who the hell is Susan Boyle?”
1. “They had to buy me a new leash. There was one left behind in an office that used to belong to some guy named Cheney, but it had ‘Dubya’ stenciled on it.”
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Even the squirrels know better.
The other day we were getting into Dean’s truck to go into town to spring Woody from the kennel. The passenger seat was filled with the usual junk – golf balls, sunglasses, water bottles, and four empty cigarette packs. I shoved most of the stuff behind the seat but put the cigarette packs on the hood of my truck, planning to throw them in the garbage when we got back. Then I promptly forgot about them.
The next day Dean noticed the empty packs on his way to work in the morning. All four were still on the hood of the Honda. But one of them had been chewed on. Only one, which appeared to have been sampled and spit out. In other words, even the friggin’ squirrels know better than to get involved with tobacco products. If only humans were that smart.
So for those of you who deliberately suck that crap into your lungs, the next time you light up, just recall that you are officially dumber than a squirrel.
The next day Dean noticed the empty packs on his way to work in the morning. All four were still on the hood of the Honda. But one of them had been chewed on. Only one, which appeared to have been sampled and spit out. In other words, even the friggin’ squirrels know better than to get involved with tobacco products. If only humans were that smart.
So for those of you who deliberately suck that crap into your lungs, the next time you light up, just recall that you are officially dumber than a squirrel.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I'll just let these teabagger's teabaggers speak for themselve's themselves.
They seem competnt competent to do so.
Friday, April 10, 2009
A tip of my frilly Easter bonnet to Mikey-Mike for providing the inspiration for the topic and the link for this week’s #1.
The Easter bunny’s top five complaints about her job:
5. “The price of jelly beans keeps going up, I got a subprime mortgage on my hutch, and now Santa wants a friggin’ bailout because the North Pole is ‘too big to fail.’”
4. “Can we just pick a date and stick with it? The first Sunday following the first full moon that occurs on or after the spring equinox – try putting that in your Outlook calendar.”
3. “The Tooth Fairy keeps nagging me to switch to sugar-free marshmallow peeps.”
2. “Every year I get chased all over this yard in Montana because some crazy lady told her dog I’m a round-tailed, floppy-eared squirrel.”
1. “Think this is amazing? Try laying the damned eggs in the first place.”
The Easter bunny’s top five complaints about her job:
5. “The price of jelly beans keeps going up, I got a subprime mortgage on my hutch, and now Santa wants a friggin’ bailout because the North Pole is ‘too big to fail.’”
4. “Can we just pick a date and stick with it? The first Sunday following the first full moon that occurs on or after the spring equinox – try putting that in your Outlook calendar.”
3. “The Tooth Fairy keeps nagging me to switch to sugar-free marshmallow peeps.”
2. “Every year I get chased all over this yard in Montana because some crazy lady told her dog I’m a round-tailed, floppy-eared squirrel.”
1. “Think this is amazing? Try laying the damned eggs in the first place.”
The Miracle Worker: The Doggie Version
Woody goes out every morning around 5 when Dean gets up, and then he usually goes back to bed and settles down until I get up. Not yesterday. He was all antsy, in “please let me out” mode, so I got up and let him out. As soon as he came back in he wanted out again. And again.
He usually settles down in my office for the first couple of hours of my workday, but nope, same thing. “Let me out,” and as soon as he came in he wanted to go out again. That was getting old so I quit letting him out. He wandered aimlessly around my office for a bit, and then finally I heard something I hadn’t heard in months. He was drinking from his water bowl.
We keep his bowls filled, of course, but he hadn’t touched them in months. He was getting all his water from snow. But I guess this morning he was out of luck since the snow has melted. He must have been thirsty as hell when he finally figured out the whole “water bowl” thing. He drank the whole bowl. I filled it up again and he drank almost another whole bowl.
This morning when Dean got up it was the same routine. Woody went out, then wanted to go out again, then was uncharacteristically antsy. Dean made sure that Woody saw him adding a little more water to his bowl. As Dean said, “You could actually see the light bulb go on above his head."
"I’m so thirsty. I wish he’d let me out to look for snow. Hmm, that guy’s pouring some liquid into that round thing on the floor . . . round thing . . . liquid . . . water! That’s my water bowl! When there isn’t any snow, I can drink water inside!" Sort of like a doggie version of that scene in The Miracle Worker.
Yes, he apparently forgot he has bowls of water inside as a last-ditch alternative to the delicious snow, and the poor goofball was so thirsty he didn’t know what to do. I know he ate a lot of snow this winter, but I never thought a dog could actually forget how to drink water.
He usually settles down in my office for the first couple of hours of my workday, but nope, same thing. “Let me out,” and as soon as he came in he wanted to go out again. That was getting old so I quit letting him out. He wandered aimlessly around my office for a bit, and then finally I heard something I hadn’t heard in months. He was drinking from his water bowl.
We keep his bowls filled, of course, but he hadn’t touched them in months. He was getting all his water from snow. But I guess this morning he was out of luck since the snow has melted. He must have been thirsty as hell when he finally figured out the whole “water bowl” thing. He drank the whole bowl. I filled it up again and he drank almost another whole bowl.
This morning when Dean got up it was the same routine. Woody went out, then wanted to go out again, then was uncharacteristically antsy. Dean made sure that Woody saw him adding a little more water to his bowl. As Dean said, “You could actually see the light bulb go on above his head."
"I’m so thirsty. I wish he’d let me out to look for snow. Hmm, that guy’s pouring some liquid into that round thing on the floor . . . round thing . . . liquid . . . water! That’s my water bowl! When there isn’t any snow, I can drink water inside!" Sort of like a doggie version of that scene in The Miracle Worker.
Yes, he apparently forgot he has bowls of water inside as a last-ditch alternative to the delicious snow, and the poor goofball was so thirsty he didn’t know what to do. I know he ate a lot of snow this winter, but I never thought a dog could actually forget how to drink water.
Friday, April 3, 2009
They’re geeks. They should have known better. For April Fool’s Day the guys at Think Geek posted a new item: a tauntaun sleeping bag, complete with saddle and a glowing light saber zipper pull. After being inundated with orders, they admitted it was a prank, and they’re going to try to talk to the “suits at LucasFilms” to see if they can get a license to produce the sleeping bag after all.
Top five April Fool’s Day pranks:
5. “Welcome to MSNBC! Your new show will be a great addition to our lineup.”
4. “Mr. Bush, we were just kidding about that Obama fella. Get back to the White House, because you’re president for life!”
3. “Starting this week, we’re replacing ‘casual Fridays’ with ‘assless chaps Thursdays.’”
2. “Hello, Wall Street? This is the U. S. Treasury. We did mention that you have to pay that money back, didn’t we?”
1. “Hey Pat, great news! We got two new clients: Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow!”
Top five April Fool’s Day pranks:
5. “Welcome to MSNBC! Your new show will be a great addition to our lineup.”
4. “Mr. Bush, we were just kidding about that Obama fella. Get back to the White House, because you’re president for life!”
3. “Starting this week, we’re replacing ‘casual Fridays’ with ‘assless chaps Thursdays.’”
2. “Hello, Wall Street? This is the U. S. Treasury. We did mention that you have to pay that money back, didn’t we?”
1. “Hey Pat, great news! We got two new clients: Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow!”
Friday, March 27, 2009
So, what’s it been like in Bismarck, North Dakota this week? An ice jam to the north, an ice jam to the south, and in between a whole lot of worried residents. But also a whole lot of volunteers. And the good news is the waters are receding.
Top five things Bismarck really needs right now:
5. To control those ice jams: sharks with friggin’ laser beams on their heads.
4. Some *real* sandbaggers. Because when the call for sandbaggers went out, it didn’t help when all Dean’s old golf buddies showed up.
3. For all those real sandbaggers: 100-gallon drums filled with Aspercreme, Ben-Gay and Icy Hot.
2. A frosty mug of beer. A nice glass of merlot. A stiff shot of tequila. A drink of anything, anything except icy water.
1. The world’s biggest ShamWow.
Top five things Bismarck really needs right now:
5. To control those ice jams: sharks with friggin’ laser beams on their heads.
4. Some *real* sandbaggers. Because when the call for sandbaggers went out, it didn’t help when all Dean’s old golf buddies showed up.
3. For all those real sandbaggers: 100-gallon drums filled with Aspercreme, Ben-Gay and Icy Hot.
2. A frosty mug of beer. A nice glass of merlot. A stiff shot of tequila. A drink of anything, anything except icy water.
1. The world’s biggest ShamWow.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Damn you, Tina Fey
She totally stole my idea for getting out of jury duty by dressing up as Princess Leia and claiming to be a hologram. So far I still have the jury duty thing coming up Monday. I'll find out after 5 today if the case is still going to trial.
Top five excuses for getting out of jury duty:
5. "Aww, come on, who *hasn't* gotten drunk, stolen a bulldozer and knocked down some trees and a power line or two? Around here, that's considered a great first date."
4. "Can Woody sit in the jury box with me? He's my 'human whisperer.'"
3. "Let's skip all the boring testimony and stuff and get straight to the Chewbacca defense."
2. “Could you explain the charges in 140 characters or less? I gotta Twitter this.”
1. "Sorry I sat in the wrong place, your honor. I'm just so used to being the defendant."
Top five excuses for getting out of jury duty:
5. "Aww, come on, who *hasn't* gotten drunk, stolen a bulldozer and knocked down some trees and a power line or two? Around here, that's considered a great first date."
4. "Can Woody sit in the jury box with me? He's my 'human whisperer.'"
3. "Let's skip all the boring testimony and stuff and get straight to the Chewbacca defense."
2. “Could you explain the charges in 140 characters or less? I gotta Twitter this.”
1. "Sorry I sat in the wrong place, your honor. I'm just so used to being the defendant."
Friday, March 6, 2009
Seems like I’m always in the pool for jury duty. I served once in North Dakota, but that doesn’t count out here so I’m on standby for a case on March 16. The ND case was a boring DUI. I’m sure they’ll have more interesting cases in Montana.
Top five possibilities for a Montana trial:
5. Failure to obey the state’s gun laws. By not owning enough of them.
4. Giving aid and comfort to enemy squirrels by supplying sunflower seeds . . . hey, wait a minute. Woody’s been using my subpoena-o-matic again. Bad dog!
3. Murder. Although “the sumbitch needed killing, yer honor” is considered a strong defense out here.
2. Being a tree-hugging feminist blue-voting Obama-suppporting liberal Democrat. Oh my god. It’s a trick. I’m not on jury duty. I’m the defendant!
1. Assaultwith on an antler.
This one needs an explanation. Awhile back there was a typical “police blotter” story on the news about a man who had beaten his wife with an elk antler. It stirred up some local outrage. See, the antler was a prize trophy worth quite a few points on the Boone and Crocket scale. And he broke it. Guy beating his wife? Meh. Guy breaking a trophy elk antler – now THAT got people pissed off.
If you don’t hear from me after March 16, #2 was probably correct. I’d ask my co-workers to be witnesses for the defense, but you all know I’m guilty as hell.
Top five possibilities for a Montana trial:
5. Failure to obey the state’s gun laws. By not owning enough of them.
4. Giving aid and comfort to enemy squirrels by supplying sunflower seeds . . . hey, wait a minute. Woody’s been using my subpoena-o-matic again. Bad dog!
3. Murder. Although “the sumbitch needed killing, yer honor” is considered a strong defense out here.
2. Being a tree-hugging feminist blue-voting Obama-suppporting liberal Democrat. Oh my god. It’s a trick. I’m not on jury duty. I’m the defendant!
1. Assault
This one needs an explanation. Awhile back there was a typical “police blotter” story on the news about a man who had beaten his wife with an elk antler. It stirred up some local outrage. See, the antler was a prize trophy worth quite a few points on the Boone and Crocket scale. And he broke it. Guy beating his wife? Meh. Guy breaking a trophy elk antler – now THAT got people pissed off.
If you don’t hear from me after March 16, #2 was probably correct. I’d ask my co-workers to be witnesses for the defense, but you all know I’m guilty as hell.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Mmmm, snowy snowy snow
On Wednesday, as the last remnants of snow were melting under a light rain and the air was smelling all fresh and piney, I had the temerity to say, “Looks like spring might come early this year.”
Then came Thursday. That’s a foot and a half of fresh powder. Woody was one happy pup – until he realized the snow was over his head and he couldn’t get up or down the stairs from our deck. But I’m sure he’ll just eat himself a pathway.
On the bright side, the electricity was only out for a few hours last night and we already had nice fire going to keep the upstairs warm when the power went out.
Top five things to do in Montana when the electricity goes off:
5. Roast your squirrel the old-fashioned way, over a fire of lodgepole pine, Douglas fir, and the charred remains of the last guy who strayed across your property line.
4. Pee outside. Just like you always do, but now you have a reason.
3. “Eat snow! Eat more snow! Wonderful, delicious, fluffy beautiful snow! Eat snow!”
2. “What is this ‘electricity’ of which you speak?”
1. “Dean, we have to drink all the wine in the fridge before it goes bad.”
“Uh, Karen, the wine’s not going to go bad.”
“Shut up and drink.”
Then came Thursday. That’s a foot and a half of fresh powder. Woody was one happy pup – until he realized the snow was over his head and he couldn’t get up or down the stairs from our deck. But I’m sure he’ll just eat himself a pathway.
On the bright side, the electricity was only out for a few hours last night and we already had nice fire going to keep the upstairs warm when the power went out. Top five things to do in Montana when the electricity goes off:
5. Roast your squirrel the old-fashioned way, over a fire of lodgepole pine, Douglas fir, and the charred remains of the last guy who strayed across your property line.
4. Pee outside. Just like you always do, but now you have a reason.
3. “Eat snow! Eat more snow! Wonderful, delicious, fluffy beautiful snow! Eat snow!”
2. “What is this ‘electricity’ of which you speak?”
1. “Dean, we have to drink all the wine in the fridge before it goes bad.”
“Uh, Karen, the wine’s not going to go bad.”
“Shut up and drink.”
Friday, February 20, 2009
Rockin' Republicans Need Your Help
In a quirky celebration of irrelevance and obstructionism, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor posted a YouTube video disparaging the stimulus bill, set to Aerosmith’s “Back in the Saddle.” Not quite sure why he chose that song. Maybe the Republicans wanted tax cuts to the crucial "cowboys and hookers" sector of the economy to be a cornerstone of the stimulus package or something.
Alas, pesky copyright issues reared their heads, so the video was taken down. So those rockin’ Republicans will have to come up with something new. Now if Dubya were still in office, a great choice would be Warren Zevon’s anthem to frat-boy screw-ups with rich daddies: “Lawyers, Guns and Money.” Because the sh*t has certainly hit the fan.
Top five other suggested theme songs for the Republican party:
5. “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To”
4. “Fool on the Hill”
3. “Desperado”
2. “Running on Empty”
And for those governors with presidential ambitions who are posturing about turning down their states’ share of the stimulus – you know damn well what you’ll end up doing.
1. “Take the Money and Run”
Hmmm. I’m not sure any of those choices conveys the right combination of manufactured outrage at liberal boogeymen, genuine outrage about being out of power, and – here’s the tricky part – genuine cluelessness about how to conduct themselves as a minority party. Perhaps with a dash of “screw the country as long as I get re-elected.” If you have some better suggestions, comment away.
Alas, pesky copyright issues reared their heads, so the video was taken down. So those rockin’ Republicans will have to come up with something new. Now if Dubya were still in office, a great choice would be Warren Zevon’s anthem to frat-boy screw-ups with rich daddies: “Lawyers, Guns and Money.” Because the sh*t has certainly hit the fan.
Top five other suggested theme songs for the Republican party:
5. “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To”
4. “Fool on the Hill”
3. “Desperado”
2. “Running on Empty”
And for those governors with presidential ambitions who are posturing about turning down their states’ share of the stimulus – you know damn well what you’ll end up doing.
1. “Take the Money and Run”
Hmmm. I’m not sure any of those choices conveys the right combination of manufactured outrage at liberal boogeymen, genuine outrage about being out of power, and – here’s the tricky part – genuine cluelessness about how to conduct themselves as a minority party. Perhaps with a dash of “screw the country as long as I get re-elected.” If you have some better suggestions, comment away.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Top five least romantic things to hear from your Valentine’s Day date:
5. “Honey, we don’t need some fancy high-priced restaurant version of surf ‘n turf. Now at least try my fishsticks with beef gravy.”
4. “Mind if we skip dessert? Because my work-release ends in, like, half an hour.”
3. “So you see, I’m living proof that you can pray away the gay.”
2. “Some persnickety doctors might call them boils. I call them love bumps on the highway to heaven.”
1. “Don’t worry – I’m sure my stimulus package will start working any time now.”
5. “Honey, we don’t need some fancy high-priced restaurant version of surf ‘n turf. Now at least try my fishsticks with beef gravy.”
4. “Mind if we skip dessert? Because my work-release ends in, like, half an hour.”
3. “So you see, I’m living proof that you can pray away the gay.”
2. “Some persnickety doctors might call them boils. I call them love bumps on the highway to heaven.”
1. “Don’t worry – I’m sure my stimulus package will start working any time now.”
Friday, February 6, 2009
Groundhog Day
Top five highlights of Groundhog Day:
5. All those hilarious “Gobbler’s Knob” jokes.
4. In an effort to grab the spotlight, local squirrels predict six more weeks of “being chased up trees all the time by that damned Woody.”
3. The North Dakota version: you either get an early spring, or six more months of winter.
2. The Montana version: by sunrise the groundhog’s been shot and field-dressed, but technically it’s still casting a shadow.
1. Punxsutawney Phil’s confident prediction: six more weeks of squabbling about the stimulus bill.
5. All those hilarious “Gobbler’s Knob” jokes.
4. In an effort to grab the spotlight, local squirrels predict six more weeks of “being chased up trees all the time by that damned Woody.”
3. The North Dakota version: you either get an early spring, or six more months of winter.
2. The Montana version: by sunrise the groundhog’s been shot and field-dressed, but technically it’s still casting a shadow.
1. Punxsutawney Phil’s confident prediction: six more weeks of squabbling about the stimulus bill.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Oh, the poor rich bankers. You do one little thing, like make some company transportation arrangements or spend a few bucks to perk up your office, and everyone gets all upset. And what are their girlfriends, wives and mistresses supposed to do in these tough times? Form a support group and blog about it, of course. Our top five this week is from the blog “Dating a Banker Anonymous.” Because when you’ve gone from obscenely rich to merely extremely rich, you need the support of others who feel your pain.
Top five ways the DABA bloggers are cutting back:
5. “My salary is no longer my own. It all will be spent on family expenses.”
4. “Bottle service is a thing of the past.”
3. “I’m switching from having my facials and massages in my downtown spa to a midtown place with ladies wearing pink jackets and lots of make-up giving facials only, once every six weeks instead of monthly.”
2. “It gets worse. I’ll now be doing my pilates with others, in class, on the mat instead of on the machines with my private instructor.”
1. “He wants to have dinner every night. By dinner I mean staying in and cooking. Seriously. It sucks.”
And then there’s this gem from a dumped mistress:
Only a banker would dump his mistress at the start of the fiscal year.
And yes, I had to Google “bottle service.” I could only assume it was something Senator Vitter paid his hooker extra for.
Top five ways the DABA bloggers are cutting back:
5. “My salary is no longer my own. It all will be spent on family expenses.”
4. “Bottle service is a thing of the past.”
3. “I’m switching from having my facials and massages in my downtown spa to a midtown place with ladies wearing pink jackets and lots of make-up giving facials only, once every six weeks instead of monthly.”
2. “It gets worse. I’ll now be doing my pilates with others, in class, on the mat instead of on the machines with my private instructor.”
1. “He wants to have dinner every night. By dinner I mean staying in and cooking. Seriously. It sucks.”
And then there’s this gem from a dumped mistress:
Dear Nancy,
I regret to inform you that I will be cutting you out of my life completely in FY09. Having just reviewed my entertainment spending for the month of December, I discovered that, while I spent an exorbitant amount on alcohol throughout the month, I spent an exorbitant-er amount when you were in my company.
Please note, this is a decision I make with a heavy heart, but it is a necessity. The amount I am spending on Nancy-related-boozing would be better served in mutual funds, an IRA or put towards a down payment on a home. The unfortunate fact is, Nancy-related-memories don’t accrue interest. Nor are they easy to remember.
Only a banker would dump his mistress at the start of the fiscal year.
And yes, I had to Google “bottle service.” I could only assume it was something Senator Vitter paid his hooker extra for.
Friday, January 23, 2009
That’s probably not how Cheney intended to leave the White House. He may have wanted to make an exit that was less Dr. Strangelove-esque. Not so Blofeldian. More elder statesman accepting the thanks of a grateful nation, less Mr. Potter clutching the Bedford Falls newspaper with Uncle Billy’s missing bank deposit hidden inside. No doubt he hurt himself trying desperately to cling to the reins of power with his wizened yet surprisingly strong talon-like grasp.
Bye, Dubya and Dick. You are not getting your damage deposit back.
Top five highlights of the inauguration:
5. Dubya’s traditional letter to his successor: “Here’s the keys to the country. I left ya a coupla countries to invade. Good luck presidentializin, and remember, when something goes wrong, just blame the nearest Clinton.”
4. Dubya’s not-so-traditional sendoff: the 21-shoe salute.
3. Woody’s reaction: “Don’t close Gitmo! Put in more cells! Lots of tiny, tiny, squirrel-sized cells.”
2. Chief Justice Roberts: “Raise your right hand, and if we don’t get it right, what the hell, we can always do it over.”
1. The big highlight of the day that everyone’s still talking about. No, not Obama’s speech. Aretha’s hat.
Bye, Dubya and Dick. You are not getting your damage deposit back.
Top five highlights of the inauguration:
5. Dubya’s traditional letter to his successor: “Here’s the keys to the country. I left ya a coupla countries to invade. Good luck presidentializin, and remember, when something goes wrong, just blame the nearest Clinton.”
4. Dubya’s not-so-traditional sendoff: the 21-shoe salute.
3. Woody’s reaction: “Don’t close Gitmo! Put in more cells! Lots of tiny, tiny, squirrel-sized cells.”
2. Chief Justice Roberts: “Raise your right hand, and if we don’t get it right, what the hell, we can always do it over.”
1. The big highlight of the day that everyone’s still talking about. No, not Obama’s speech. Aretha’s hat.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Oh, Dubya.
What will I miss the most? The corruption, the cronyism, the incompetence? I think it’s the smirk. I’ll miss that most of all.
Top five ways the White House is getting ready for the transition:
5. Using enticingly unredacted personnel reports to lure Cheney into his man-sized safe for shipment to his private undisclosed location.
4. Barney lying in wait outside the press briefing room for one last attempt to cross Helen Thomas off his “reporters I’d like to bite” list.
3. Printing more labels for the shipping boxes, because they keep running out of the ones that say “failure.”
2. Drawing straws to see who has to explain to Dubya that, when people say the skinny black guy is coming there next week to “clean up his mess,” they don’t mean emptying the trash can in the Oval office.
1. In an attempt to emulate staffers who are removing the “O” key from their keyboards, Bush mistakenly pries off the zero.
My fireplace was fixed on Saturday, so I’ve been basking in the warm glow as well as in the knowledge that, as of Tuesday, Dubya will have to content himself with screwing up at brush-clearing in Crawford. To paraphrase the late, great Douglas Adams, so long, and thanks for all the failures.
Top five ways the White House is getting ready for the transition:
5. Using enticingly unredacted personnel reports to lure Cheney into his man-sized safe for shipment to his private undisclosed location.
4. Barney lying in wait outside the press briefing room for one last attempt to cross Helen Thomas off his “reporters I’d like to bite” list.
3. Printing more labels for the shipping boxes, because they keep running out of the ones that say “failure.”
2. Drawing straws to see who has to explain to Dubya that, when people say the skinny black guy is coming there next week to “clean up his mess,” they don’t mean emptying the trash can in the Oval office.
1. In an attempt to emulate staffers who are removing the “O” key from their keyboards, Bush mistakenly pries off the zero.
My fireplace was fixed on Saturday, so I’ve been basking in the warm glow as well as in the knowledge that, as of Tuesday, Dubya will have to content himself with screwing up at brush-clearing in Crawford. To paraphrase the late, great Douglas Adams, so long, and thanks for all the failures.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Brrrr
Oh sure. There you sit in your cozy office with heat and stuff. I went down to my office this morning and turned up the thermostat, expecting to hear the whoosh and see the glow of my lovely propane fireplace. Nothing. Oh crap. The pilot light’s out. I just had the tank filled in November. Yeah, it’s been cold, but not THAT cold. A full tank in November should last through the winter.
Checked the tank and it’s at 40 percent so that’s not the problem. Checked with Dean who checked with his HVAC friend whose computer he just fixed yesterday. Nice to have an HVAC guy who owes us a favor, but I didn’t think we’d need it so soon. He thinks the thermal coupler’s gone out and he’ll come and take a look at it tomorrow. In the meantime, I’ll tell myself I enjoy the challenge of typing with mittens on.
Top five signs it’s too &^%#$ cold:
5. The going rate for an Illinois senate seat is now three cords of firewood and 200 gallons of propane.
4. Woody refuses to go to work with me today. “Uh, stupid lady, there’s nice warm heated tile floors upstairs.”
3. The seating arrangements for the upcoming inauguration are based on party affiliation, association with the Obama campaign, and which portions of your anatomy you’re willing to freeze off.
2. Interior Secretary Kempthorne is taking the refrigerator and freezer out of his bathroom and replacing them with a sauna, fireplace and barbecue pit.
1. Ann Coulter’s still biting the heads off kittens, but now it’s to warm herself with their blood instead of just for fun.
Checked the tank and it’s at 40 percent so that’s not the problem. Checked with Dean who checked with his HVAC friend whose computer he just fixed yesterday. Nice to have an HVAC guy who owes us a favor, but I didn’t think we’d need it so soon. He thinks the thermal coupler’s gone out and he’ll come and take a look at it tomorrow. In the meantime, I’ll tell myself I enjoy the challenge of typing with mittens on.
Top five signs it’s too &^%#$ cold:
5. The going rate for an Illinois senate seat is now three cords of firewood and 200 gallons of propane.
4. Woody refuses to go to work with me today. “Uh, stupid lady, there’s nice warm heated tile floors upstairs.”
3. The seating arrangements for the upcoming inauguration are based on party affiliation, association with the Obama campaign, and which portions of your anatomy you’re willing to freeze off.
2. Interior Secretary Kempthorne is taking the refrigerator and freezer out of his bathroom and replacing them with a sauna, fireplace and barbecue pit.
1. Ann Coulter’s still biting the heads off kittens, but now it’s to warm herself with their blood instead of just for fun.
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