Top five quotes from First Dog Bo at his first press conference:

5. “To those who have accused me of being a source of White House leaks, I’d like to say that except for that little incident in the Blue Room, I always make it to the Rose Garden in time.”

4. “Yeah, they changed my name from Charlie to Bo. Hey, call me whatever you want as long as you keep the Milk Bones coming.”

3. “I’ve been told I’m not allowed to bite journalists. Fortunately that doesn’t mean I can’t take a chunk out of Bill O’Reilly’s ass if I get the chance.”

2. “So I’m the big story, right? Little pup like me makes it to the big leagues, now I’m top dog, so to speak, the feel-good story of the week, the underdog who becomes a media sensation . . . what? Who the hell is Susan Boyle?”

1. “They had to buy me a new leash. There was one left behind in an office that used to belong to some guy named Cheney, but it had ‘Dubya’ stenciled on it.”

Even the squirrels know better.

The other day we were getting into Dean’s truck to go into town to spring Woody from the kennel. The passenger seat was filled with the usual junk – golf balls, sunglasses, water bottles, and four empty cigarette packs. I shoved most of the stuff behind the seat but put the cigarette packs on the hood of my truck, planning to throw them in the garbage when we got back. Then I promptly forgot about them.

The next day Dean noticed the empty packs on his way to work in the morning. All four were still on the hood of the Honda. But one of them had been chewed on. Only one, which appeared to have been sampled and spit out. In other words, even the friggin’ squirrels know better than to get involved with tobacco products. If only humans were that smart.

So for those of you who deliberately suck that crap into your lungs, the next time you light up, just recall that you are officially dumber than a squirrel.

I'll just let these teabagger's teabaggers speak for themselve's themselves.

They seem competnt competent to do so.

A tip of my frilly Easter bonnet to Mikey-Mike for providing the inspiration for the topic and the link for this week’s #1.

The Easter bunny’s top five complaints about her job:

5. “The price of jelly beans keeps going up, I got a subprime mortgage on my hutch, and now Santa wants a friggin’ bailout because the North Pole is ‘too big to fail.’”

4. “Can we just pick a date and stick with it? The first Sunday following the first full moon that occurs on or after the spring equinox – try putting that in your Outlook calendar.”

3. “The Tooth Fairy keeps nagging me to switch to sugar-free marshmallow peeps.”

2. “Every year I get chased all over this yard in Montana because some crazy lady told her dog I’m a round-tailed, floppy-eared squirrel.”

1. “Think this is amazing? Try laying the damned eggs in the first place.”

The Miracle Worker: The Doggie Version

Woody goes out every morning around 5 when Dean gets up, and then he usually goes back to bed and settles down until I get up. Not yesterday. He was all antsy, in “please let me out” mode, so I got up and let him out. As soon as he came back in he wanted out again. And again.

He usually settles down in my office for the first couple of hours of my workday, but nope, same thing. “Let me out,” and as soon as he came in he wanted to go out again. That was getting old so I quit letting him out. He wandered aimlessly around my office for a bit, and then finally I heard something I hadn’t heard in months. He was drinking from his water bowl.

We keep his bowls filled, of course, but he hadn’t touched them in months. He was getting all his water from snow. But I guess this morning he was out of luck since the snow has melted. He must have been thirsty as hell when he finally figured out the whole “water bowl” thing. He drank the whole bowl. I filled it up again and he drank almost another whole bowl.

This morning when Dean got up it was the same routine. Woody went out, then wanted to go out again, then was uncharacteristically antsy. Dean made sure that Woody saw him adding a little more water to his bowl. As Dean said, “You could actually see the light bulb go on above his head."

"I’m so thirsty. I wish he’d let me out to look for snow. Hmm, that guy’s pouring some liquid into that round thing on the floor . . . round thing . . . liquid . . . water! That’s my water bowl! When there isn’t any snow, I can drink water inside!" Sort of like a doggie version of that scene in The Miracle Worker.

Yes, he apparently forgot he has bowls of water inside as a last-ditch alternative to the delicious snow, and the poor goofball was so thirsty he didn’t know what to do. I know he ate a lot of snow this winter, but I never thought a dog could actually forget how to drink water.

They’re geeks. They should have known better. For April Fool’s Day the guys at Think Geek posted a new item: a tauntaun sleeping bag, complete with saddle and a glowing light saber zipper pull. After being inundated with orders, they admitted it was a prank, and they’re going to try to talk to the “suits at LucasFilms” to see if they can get a license to produce the sleeping bag after all.

Top five April Fool’s Day pranks:

5. “Welcome to MSNBC! Your new show will be a great addition to our lineup.”

4. “Mr. Bush, we were just kidding about that Obama fella. Get back to the White House, because you’re president for life!”

3. “Starting this week, we’re replacing ‘casual Fridays’ with ‘assless chaps Thursdays.’”

2. “Hello, Wall Street? This is the U. S. Treasury. We did mention that you have to pay that money back, didn’t we?”

1. “Hey Pat, great news! We got two new clients: Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow!”