Former White House spokesperson Scott McClellan recently released a book, “What Happened,” in which he made the shocking revelation that the Bush administration consistently and deliberately lied to us. Which is news to anyone who hasn’t been paying attention the last seven years. Top five other revelations in McClellan’s book:

5. Cheney’s hunting accident was no accident – he’s licensed to kill lawyers. Unfortunately the limit is one per season.

4. After we invade Iran, Barney the dog called dibs so the next war will be against CatNextDooristan to take down Fluffy and her paws of mass destruction.

3. That perpetual glazed expression on Laura’s face? Let’s just say it would go away if Dubya would stop talking about his “stimulus package.”

2. Every Tuesday at the White House: Karaoke night! Dubya always kicks things off with the Edwin Starr classic “War,” with his own hilarious “What is it good for?” lyrics.

1. By day, Condi Rice is a globe-trotting warmonger Secretary of State. By night she dons a long blonde wig to become her alter ego, pop singing sensation Rhoda Dakota.

I pulled up at the Minot office Tuesday morning and noticed the driver in another car parking nearby. “Hey, that guy looks kinda like Pat . . . wait a sec . . . that is Pat.” Apparently the prohibition on both of us being in the same city at the same time has been lifted. Either that or he’s been inoculated against liberal cooties so I’m no longer a danger to him. Of course he had to make a smart-ass remark – “You do have some real clothes. I thought you’d be wearing bunny slippers or something.”

So . . . top five standard wardrobe items in our Montana office:

5. Gun for protection against squirrels.

4. Bigger gun for protection against bears.

3. Ginormous gun for anyone trying to take my other guns away.

2. Squirrel slippers. Bunny slippers are so tacky.

1. Squirrel slippers jammed into hob-nailed work boots in case I need to kick the ass of the nearest prison escapee, elk poacher or crazed gun-toting anti-government loner.

Yesterday the California Supreme Court struck down a law prohibiting same-sex marriages. Top five effects of the ruling:

5. Republican congressmen immediately flock to LA to publicly repudiate the ruling, and privately ask where the “special bars” are located.

4. It’s just a coincidence! Welder and Pierce were already planning a quick weekend trip to LA.

3. Idaho Senator Larry Craig denounces the ruling, saying that when it comes to marriage, the court should take a “narrow stance.”

2. Ryan Seacrest is finally free to marry the person of his dreams: himself.

1. Being gay just became more fair, more equitable, and way less cool.

Tomorrow Dubya’s little girl Jenna will marry Henry Hager at their ranch photo op backdrop in Crawford, Texas. Alas, my invitation seems to have gone astray, so I’ll have to use my imagination for the top five highlights of the shindig:

5. The look on Laura’s face when Dubya assures her he did too pick up the ice sculptures. “I put them out in the garden last week just to be sure.”

4. Dubya asking the pope on his recent visit if he’d perform the ceremony. “And Crawford’s purty this time of year, so be sure to bring the missus.”

3. When the best man frets that the video crew isn’t around to record his toast, Cheney assures him, “Don’t worry. Just speak clearly into the centerpiece.”

2. The outdoor pavilion is moldy and falling down, the portapotties don’t work, the flowers are wilted and the catering is rancid – maybe they shouldn’t have given that no-bid wedding contract to Halliburton.

1. The father of the bride’s controversial speech at the reception, in which he assures the guests that he as it on good authority that “Laura recently sought significant quantities of yellow cake from Niger.”

Friday 5: Snob Magazine

A Russian billionaire is starting a magazine called “Snob,” for – well, for snobs. Top five articles in the premiere edition of Snob:

5. Be nice to the little people. Learn two words in your housekeeper’s native language.

4. “You’re still burning jet fuel?” The biofuel Lear jet: class superiority AND moral superiority!

3. Love quiz! Can you BOTH look down on each other?

2. Domestic champagne, off-the-rack clothes, flying economy class – the horrors of life in an ungated community.

1. Subscription information: Sorry, you’re not our type.

But I don’t know what you have to be so snobby about when your web site looks like this.

Law Day. Lawless Dude.

“Law Day?” A decade ago the idea of having a day to commemorate the rule of law would have seemed pointless and quaint, like all those special “days” passed by lawmakers who want to throw a bone to some obscure constituent group. Not that all special days are frivolous – tomorrow is National Raspberry Popover Day!

But under Dubya, raspberry popovers get more respect than the rule of law. After all, raspberry popovers are delicious, while the law is just inconvenient. So it is yet another in this administration’s long list of jaw-dropping ironies that Bush could actually sign this Law Day proclamation:

The right of ordinary men and women to determine their own future, protected by the rule of law, lies at the heart of America's founding principles . . .The American legal system is central to protecting the rights and freedoms our Nation holds dear . . . We pay tribute to the men and women in America's legal community. Through hard work and dedication to the rule of law, members of the judiciary and the legal profession help secure the rights of individuals . . . the United States Constitution marked tremendous advances in the march of liberty . . . Today, we are reminded of that past and look toward a hopeful future as we work to secure the liberty that is the natural right of every man, woman, and child.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, in accordance with Public Law 87-20, as amended, do hereby proclaim May 1, 2008, as Law Day, U.S.A.

He signed it, and nothing exploded or burst into flames, providing conclusive proof that irony is non-combustible. But when (or if) he realizes that his theory of the “unitary executive” will hand unprecidented power over to a Democratic successor, his head will surely explode. And it’ll be at least eight years too late to do us any good.