Way to go, guard dog

Woody’s been kind of a pain lately, getting us up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Then I noticed the other day that the cover had been pried off a solar light on the deck. The light resembles a bird feeder. Must be raccoons – it was too heavy for even a very ambitious squirrel. Maybe that’s what Woody has been hearing at night.

Tuesday night I saw a big black shape on our deck moving past the patio table. Way too big to be a raccoon. Black bear. He prowled past the table to the edge of the deck toward that solar light. So that means two things, both bad: he’s been coming up on our deck at night, and he’s accustomed to raiding bird feeders.

I turned on the outside light and he looked up, turned around and headed in the other direction as if he was going to get off the deck. Nope. Instead he went to the kitchen window where a bird feeder was hanging, stood up and started digging in. Damn. Okay, I’m a Montana girl. We have to get after a bear occasionally. I went out on the deck and shooed him off. At least they run when you do that, unlike raccoons. They just look at you like “Who the hell are you and why are you making that ridiculous noise? Now what do you have to eat around here?” I would have been armed, but the garden trowel was in the garage I had used up all the zucchini.

So the bird feeder is down for now and the solar light is put away as well. They’ll be denning up once it gets colder and the snow flies, but until then they’re on the prowl and getting up on our deck, and Woody’s apparently been trying to tell us that. Except for Tuesday night when I was shooing the bear away. THAT he slept through. Way to go, guard dog.

Top five upcoming revelations from Christine O'Donnell

So is Christine O’Donnell’s campaign really some kind of Joaquin Phoenix-on-Letterman style piece of performance art? An absurdist tribute to Monty Python? A Punk’d prank? You’d think it would be easy to mock her, but she’s so bizarre she’s almost beyond mockery. She makes Sarah Palin look almost rational. OMG! That was the plan all along!

Top five upcoming revelations from the Christine O’Donnell campaign:

5. She never went to Yale. She also never went to Princeton, Oxford, or Claremont Graduate University – they must have gotten on her resume through witchcraft. 

4. She flirted with Judaism, but her favorite meatball recipe includes pork. 

3. She also dabbled in Lutheranism. Loved the meatball suppers but couldn’t take the lutefisk.

2. She rejected fundamentalist Islam, because “who knows what could be going on under those burquas.”

1. She thought about Hinduism, but was afraid she’d be reincarnated as one of those mice with human brains.

You Might be a Tea Partier If . . .

That dang librul lamestream social media’s being all mean to real Americans again. Remember those lame “you might be a redneck if . . .” jokes? No? Lucky you. But some commie on Facebook has started a variation on the theme: “you might be a tea partier if . . .” Damn Facebook. They should just change the name of that movie to “The Socialist Network.” Or, to be truly authentic, “The Socalest Netwerk.”

Top five signs you might be a tea partier:

5. If your cable service lost every channel except Fox News and you never noticed, you might be a tea partier.

4. If you cash your Social Security check to buy a ticket on public transportation to go to a rally in a public park and carry a sign saying “Keep guvermint out of my Medecare,” you might be a tea partier.

3. If you think Sarah Palin makes up words more gooder than Shakespeare, you might be a tea partier.

2. If you fiercely defend what you kinda sorta think maybe might be in the Constitution, you might be a tea partier.

1. If you vote for hooker-hirers, family-abandoners, closeted gay-bashers and serial adulterers – you know, the “family values” ticket – you might be a tea partier.