5. The new rebates to stimulate the home brewing industry – cash for kegerators.
4. The new security initiative offering free snausages for protecting the homeland against infiltration by squirrels and raccoons.
3. Our new national anthem: that “Pants on the Ground” song.
2. The honest admission of the biggest mistake of last year: “Leno should never have been moved to prime time.”
1. The entire text was as follows: "You wanna know what the State of the Union is? For heaven's sake, read the internal blog.”
That plug for Featherlite Trailers, though -- I'm sure that was actually supposed to be there.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Manmade Disasters
In news of manmade disasters this week, there’s NBC, with its ratings in the tank, a PR debacle, and suddenly finding itself with five hours of prime time to fill. Earlier this week Jay Leno noted NBC stands for “Never Believe your Contract.” Hmmm . . .
Top five other things NBC really stands for:
5. Nothing But Clueless
4. Numbskulled Brainless CEOs
3. Not Being Clever
2. Nonplussed By Conan
1. Now Broadcasting Crap
Hey, put that all together and it makes a sentence! The programming geniuses at the network are rapidly filling those time slots with some sure-fire hits.
Top five new NBC primetime shows:
5. Sarah Palin is a plucky hockey mom turned Alaskan bush pilot in the comedy-adventure “A Wink and a Prayer.”
4. Pat Robertson blames natural disasters on the victims’ contracts with the devil on his new show, “The 666 Club.”
3. Conan O’Brien interviews other people suddenly thrown out of work in the depressingly hilarious talk show, “American Idle.”
2. Tiger Woods is pursued by 25 women in the new reality dating show, “The Soon-to-be-Bachelor.”
1. “CSI: Critter Scene Investigation.” NBC wants cheap? They get cheap. This one’s a webcam on my deck. Dean opened the patio door this morning to find three raccoons perched on the railing. They’re back, and they’re bringing friends. My camera batteries were dead, so I'll recharge and be ready to get a mug shot if they return to the scene of the crime.
Top five other things NBC really stands for:
5. Nothing But Clueless
4. Numbskulled Brainless CEOs
3. Not Being Clever
2. Nonplussed By Conan
1. Now Broadcasting Crap
Hey, put that all together and it makes a sentence! The programming geniuses at the network are rapidly filling those time slots with some sure-fire hits.
Top five new NBC primetime shows:
5. Sarah Palin is a plucky hockey mom turned Alaskan bush pilot in the comedy-adventure “A Wink and a Prayer.”
4. Pat Robertson blames natural disasters on the victims’ contracts with the devil on his new show, “The 666 Club.”
3. Conan O’Brien interviews other people suddenly thrown out of work in the depressingly hilarious talk show, “American Idle.”
2. Tiger Woods is pursued by 25 women in the new reality dating show, “The Soon-to-be-Bachelor.”
1. “CSI: Critter Scene Investigation.” NBC wants cheap? They get cheap. This one’s a webcam on my deck. Dean opened the patio door this morning to find three raccoons perched on the railing. They’re back, and they’re bringing friends. My camera batteries were dead, so I'll recharge and be ready to get a mug shot if they return to the scene of the crime.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Top five signs it’s too &^%$#@ cold:
5. You’re not a terrorist, but you still keep trying to set your underwear on fire.
4. Even Florida is cold – every night Tiger Woods throws a couple of extra mistresses on the bed.
3. The airport security guards are patting everyone down, just to keep their hands warm.
2. Byron Dorgan’s retiring – either hell has frozen over or Pat’s prayers have finally been answered.
1. Polar bears can’t even take the plunge:
4. Even Florida is cold – every night Tiger Woods throws a couple of extra mistresses on the bed.
3. The airport security guards are patting everyone down, just to keep their hands warm.
2. Byron Dorgan’s retiring – either hell has frozen over or Pat’s prayers have finally been answered.
1. Polar bears can’t even take the plunge:
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