So, what’s it been like in Bismarck, North Dakota this week? An ice jam to the north, an ice jam to the south, and in between a whole lot of worried residents. But also a whole lot of volunteers. And the good news is the waters are receding.

Top five things Bismarck really needs right now:

5. To control those ice jams: sharks with friggin’ laser beams on their heads.

4. Some *real* sandbaggers. Because when the call for sandbaggers went out, it didn’t help when all Dean’s old golf buddies showed up.

3. For all those real sandbaggers: 100-gallon drums filled with Aspercreme, Ben-Gay and Icy Hot.

2. A frosty mug of beer. A nice glass of merlot. A stiff shot of tequila. A drink of anything, anything except icy water.

1. The world’s biggest ShamWow.

Damn you, Tina Fey

She totally stole my idea for getting out of jury duty by dressing up as Princess Leia and claiming to be a hologram. So far I still have the jury duty thing coming up Monday. I'll find out after 5 today if the case is still going to trial.

Top five excuses for getting out of jury duty:

5. "Aww, come on, who *hasn't* gotten drunk, stolen a bulldozer and knocked down some trees and a power line or two? Around here, that's considered a great first date."

4. "Can Woody sit in the jury box with me? He's my 'human whisperer.'"

3. "Let's skip all the boring testimony and stuff and get straight to the Chewbacca defense."

2. “Could you explain the charges in 140 characters or less? I gotta Twitter this.”

1. "Sorry I sat in the wrong place, your honor. I'm just so used to being the defendant."

Seems like I’m always in the pool for jury duty. I served once in North Dakota, but that doesn’t count out here so I’m on standby for a case on March 16. The ND case was a boring DUI. I’m sure they’ll have more interesting cases in Montana.

Top five possibilities for a Montana trial:

5. Failure to obey the state’s gun laws. By not owning enough of them.

4. Giving aid and comfort to enemy squirrels by supplying sunflower seeds . . . hey, wait a minute. Woody’s been using my subpoena-o-matic again. Bad dog!

3. Murder. Although “the sumbitch needed killing, yer honor” is considered a strong defense out here.

2. Being a tree-hugging feminist blue-voting Obama-suppporting liberal Democrat. Oh my god. It’s a trick. I’m not on jury duty. I’m the defendant!

1. Assault with on an antler.

This one needs an explanation. Awhile back there was a typical “police blotter” story on the news about a man who had beaten his wife with an elk antler. It stirred up some local outrage. See, the antler was a prize trophy worth quite a few points on the Boone and Crocket scale. And he broke it. Guy beating his wife? Meh. Guy breaking a trophy elk antler – now THAT got people pissed off.

If you don’t hear from me after March 16, #2 was probably correct. I’d ask my co-workers to be witnesses for the defense, but you all know I’m guilty as hell.