March Whatness?

Yeah, I don’t know anything about sports, but still, is that any reason not to let me in the March Madness office pool? Actually, there are at least five good reasons:

5. Sick of me asking what month March madness is in.

4. I believe in lucky numbers, so I don’t see why you won’t let me pick seven teams to make that final four thingie.

3. Telling me I always back losers anyway, just because I invested in Bear Stearns, texted for that Sanjaya guy on American Idol, and my car has a “Mike Gravel ‘08” bumper sticker.

2. I do so know about sports! That final four you always talk about is a rubber man, an invisible girl, a human torch, and a guy made of rocks.

1. Can we forget about last year? Once and for all, I'm sorry about the "The Foam Finger Incident."

Top five signs of spring:

5. Yesterday was the vernal equinox, which means that on that day, presidential candidates spent equal amounts of time pandering to the left and the right.

4. “Kristen,” Eliot Spitzer’s pricey pal, got so warm she was forced to take off her clothes. (SFW)

3. A harried-looking bunny frantically tries to get an early flight back from his Cancun vacation, muttering “why didn’t anyone tell me Easter was so freakin’ early this year?”

2. Spring cleaning gets underway in Washington, as the administration scrubs hard drives and files shiny-clean and free of any dusty old information that Congress might want to subpoena.

1. The weather’s so nice, politicians are holding their “admission of a sex scandal” press conferences outside.

Pity the weekend-homeless . . .

In hard times, why is it always the rich who suffer? As the New York Times recently reported on the wreckage left in the wake of the implosion of Bear Stearns, “some executives had moved quickly, putting their weekend homes on the market.”

Oh, the humanity! Those poor executives facing the loss of their weekend homes for no other reason than their own greed and incompetence in creating the economic Titanic that is the subprime mortgage meltdown. Why should they suffer simply because they made the mess and profited from it?

But don’t despair. We are, after all, led governed ruled by a president who labels himself a “compassionate conservative.” And it’s true. When you lose your home or face bankruptcy, he’s all conservative. A real “pull yourself up by your bootstraps, provided you still have boots” kinda guy. But when rich people need a handout, then you see the compassion. The caring. And the taxpayers’ money.

But suppose that mean old Congress won’t go along, no matter how much he threatens to call them “soft on terror – the terror of losing your beach house”? Then it is incumbent upon us to lend a hand, in the great American tradition of helping the uptrodden. Please, give what you can. Even a small donation of just $100,000 can help some poor CEO hang on to his ocean-front home in the Hamptons. You’ll be amply rewarded in the look of joy and unbridled avarice on his face as he realizes your generosity means he’ll be able to keep his weekend home and, thus, his trophy wife as well. We as a nation must come together to help the weekend-homeless.

Oh, Hillary . . .

this is such a non-response response to the Eliot Spitzer scandal:

"I obviously am sending my best wishes and thoughts to the governor and to his family," she told reporters. When asked whether Gov. Spitzer could survive politically she said "let's wait and see what comes out of the next few days. Right now I don't have any comment. I think it's appropriate to wish his family well and see how things develop."

We know what you’re just dying to say:

“A few thousand bucks on one hooker? I can’t believe the crap that passes for a career-ending scandal these days. Hell, Bill once blew Chelsea’s whole college fund on two-week ‘summit meeting’ in Cancun, and that was just on booze and cheeseburgers, ‘cause the tramps were doing him for free.

“And hey, Silda, honey, talk about ‘feeling your pain.’ I recognize that expression on Eliot’s face, and I know exactly how much pressure you were applying to his tighty-whiteys to produce it. By this time next year, ‘Kristen’ or whatever the hell her name is will be just a faded ‘Miss June’ centerfold in one of the many magazines under Jonah Goldberg’s mattress. So forget about her. Let’s get together for some margaritas and we’ll start planning your 2012 campaign for senate. Or governor. Your call. I’ll have my people start working on some ‘Spitzer’ campaign slogans that don’t read like late-night talk show double-entendre punch lines.”

As political sex scandals go, the Eliot Spitzer thing is practically wholesome. No sleazy bathroom stalls, no under-age pages, no lobbyists, not even a dubious denial or playing of the Jesus card. Just the by-now-routine press conference with his wife wearing the usual clenched-jaw “standing by my man as long as the friggin’ cameras are here” expression on her face. Only the sharp whiff of hypocrisy keeps it from being boring.

Top five fun facts about the Spitzer scandal:

5. For days he wrestled with his decision to resign – and wrestling usually costs him $4,000 an hour.

4. Why did his hooker cost so much? Half for her services and half for the gas to get to his office.

3. Why’s his wife standing by him? Let’s see, sex scandal involving a Democrat . . . in keeping with tradition she’ll run for the senate in 2012 and the White House in 2016.

2. Staffers were wondering why they were always paid in an envelope of cash left on their bedroom dressers.

1. Aides kept hearing him in his office telling someone to move to the left, now a little to the right, now left again – they thought he was talking about *political* positions.

MSU: a fine liberal arts institution. Well, by Montana standards anyway.

The other day I on the brilliant Sadly No blog I ran across Dennis Prager’s list of questions parents should ask college admissions counselors, lest they inadvertently select an institution that will befuddle junior’s carefully cultivated conservative brain with crazy librul ideas. The blogger suggested that, rather than packing the kiddies off to the horrors of Harvard, red-state Ma and Pa should choose a conservative school, such as Bob Jones or Montana State. Well, as a resident of the treasure state I happen to know that Montana State is a fine university. Top five classes at Montana State:

5. White-tailed deer, mule deer, elk and liberals: types of prey and what to shoot them with.

4. Foreign languages: how to talk to Canadian hunting guides.

3. Great men in history: Colt, Remington and Winchester.

2. Civics 101: the bald eagle. Beautiful, majestic symbol of our country, and delicious on the grill.

1. Civics 102: Voting. How Diebold does it for you, so you don’t have to!

How Dumb Can the WaPo Get?

In case you were wondering, "Just how dumb can the Washington Post get?", here's your answer in this charming column by Charlotte Allen. In attempting to make her point, which is that women are stupid, she makes a convincing case for the stupidity of Charlotte Allen and the WaPo editors.

Quick, how many pairs of shoes do you own? You don't know? You're dumb! Yes, as per Ms. Allen, lack of shoe-related mathematical knowledge is just one more symptom of the sad stupidity associated with the lack of a Y chromosome. So go count your shoes, if you can manage to do so with your little ladybrain, then curl up with a lame girly book and a Celine Dion CD. After you've cancelled your WaPo subscription, of course.