Top five complaints at the North Pole:

5. The elves were already tired of all those “small” jokes. Then Santa had to install the pre-flight full body scanners.

4. The tea party elves won't accept toy-making assignments because Santa can’t provide documentation proving his mythological place of origin.

3. Those naughty/nice lists are a pain to compile when you have to sort through every status update, wall post, text message and tweet.

2. The tools in Santa’s workshop. You know how hard it is to make an Xbox circuit board with wooden hammers?

1. All the whining, complaining and crying if someone doesn’t get every little thing he wants. Santa really hates going to John Boehner’s house.

Top five surprises in the latest Harry Potter movie:

5. All those screenings and pat-downs now required before they can climb on their broomsticks.

4. Hogwarts stubbornly refuses to repeal its ridiculous “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on squibs.

3. The search for the horcruxes turns out to be an elaborate geo-caching promotion by “Horcruxes-R-Us.”

2. Hedwig’s death, made all the more tragic since she’d just signed a lucrative endorsement deal with HootSuite.

1. Harry’s search for the Dark Lord gets way easier when he finally realizes that Voldemort checks in regularly on Foursquare.