Shakespalin

Some weeks I don’t know what to do for a Friday Five list. Then Sarah Palin opens her yap, or in this case, her laptop, and the list just writes itself. Thanks Sarah. In the immortal words of the Bard of Wasilla, “Got to celebrate it!” Here’s a Friday Top 20. As the real Shakespeare put it, “Can one desire too much of a good thing?” 

Top 20 Shakespalin quotes:

20. "To be governor or not to be governor . . . I’m goin’ with 'not to be' on this one."

19. "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, so it ain’t Russia cuz that’s out my west window."

18. "The miserable have no other medicine but only hope. So, how’s those death panels workin’ out fer ya?"

17. "Is this a dagger which I see before me? Hope so, ‘cuz I gotta field-dress this moose."

16. "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some get a call from the McCain campaign."

15. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Just make a speech and rake in the fee."

14. "How well he's read, to reason against reading! Take that, Katie Couric!"

13. "Get thee to a gunnery!"

12. "My word salad days, when I raked in the green in speaking fees."

11. "Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of the lamestream media, or by Tweeting, avoid them."

10. "As flies to wanton boys are we to the Gods, they shoot us from their helicopters."

9. "Something is rotten in the state of Alaska. Todd, how old is this salmon?"

8. "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying refudiation."

7. "Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage. I’m just sayin’, Levi."

6. "The empty vessel makes the loudest sound. So, how many of y’all here today are tea partiers?"

5. "I am not bound to please thee with my answer, Charlie Gibson."

4. "O God! that one might read the book of fate. Or any book, really."

3. "Double, double, toil and trouble, drill baby drill and let spills bubble."

2. "O, wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! Plus guns to shoot them with!"

1. "Et tu, Bristol?"

You guys need a dog

Last night I was trying to get to sleep when I heard the now-familiar clanging of pot lids from our neighbor’s direction. “Get away, go on, shoo!” and clang Clang CLANG. I went out on the deck and sure enough, there was a black bear crashing through the trees between the neighbor’s house and ours. He lumbered out of the trees, into our back yard and dashed off back toward the mountains.

Seriously, guys. Get a dog. The clanging and yelling annoys the bears, but it annoys the neighbors as well.

Clang, clang clang went the pot lids

A couple of weeks ago I was cleaning up the boat and getting it ready to put in the lake for the year when my neighbor Bob came over to chat. And chat. And chat. Bob’s a chatter.

The topic inevitably turned to bears and how to chase them off, as it so often does around here. Bob said a big black bear had been in their yard the other day. “Olga always bangs pot lids at them. Is that what you guys do?”

“No, Woody barks at them and they run away.” Bob looked incredulously down at Woody, who was sitting at his feet with his best “I’m such a nice little doggie” look on his face.

“Really? They run away from Woody? Huh. I thought they’d be running after him.” He was apparently considering Woody as a potential snack for a hungry bear, rather than a chaser thereof.

“Yeah, really. He’s not very big, but he barks, they run.”

The next morning, around 9 am. As Dean so eloquently put it:

“From out on Bob’s lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Out on to the deck I flew like a flash,
And then through the woods came a big rumbling crash.”

Dean heard pot lids banging and “Get out of here, go on!” accompanied by the sound of something crashing through the trees, running into the wilderness area behind our house. Okay, so the banging and clanging chased him away. It also woke up the whole neighborhood. I think we’ll stick to having Woody bark at them from the deck. It’s just as effective and it’s something the neighbors can sleep through.

Lindsay Lohan's top five excuses

Lindsay, honey. You’re not the first Hollywood starlet whose life careened out of control. You won’t be the last. But you may be the only one to compare a brief jail/rehab stint to the plight of an Iranian woman who may be stoned to death. Lindsay, seriously. One of these things is not like the other one.

Lindsay Lohan’s top five excuses:

5. Mean Girls put me up to it.

4. Can’t let ex-jailbird Paris Hilton one-up me on the skank-o-meter.

3. I’ll just pull a Freaky Friday. Enjoy your 90 days, Jamie Lee!

2. Hey, my manicurist is Korean. That’s the name of her salon.

1. Was sure I’d get a pointless but much-hyped one-hour TV special yesterday. Damn you, LeBron James!

Happy 4th

Every year I think I'll post another 4th of July story, but there's just no topping this one. It may be un-toppable. Whatever you do on your 4th of July, let's just hope it doesn't involve any awkward explanations to your insurance company.