American Journalism, RIP

Once the most trusted man in America and a television icon for decades, Walter Cronkite recently passed away at the age of 92. He was preceded in death by American journalism, which had been comatose for years and finally gave up the ghost the day Glenn Beck got a “news” show. Cronkite is survived by today’s most trusted newscaster in America, Jon Stewart.

Top five signs American journalism is dead:

5. Seriously. Jon “I do a fake news show” Stewart.

4. The frenzied 24-hour media coverage of a recent celebrity death. Why can’t they just let the Taco Bell chihuahua rest in peace?

3. The most important things to know about Obama, according to recent press stories: he throws like a girl, wears stupid jeans, and likes funny foreign mustard.

2. Birth certificate scandal! Just where WAS Lou Dobbs born, anyway?

1. “Hey Bob, got some kinda Egyptian story here and I gotta make a graphic. I dunno where Egypt should go on the map.”

“Just pick any of them foreign countries.”

“Won’t people notice if I get it wrong?”

“You do realize you work for Fox News, right?”



Bonus points if you can identify the country mislabled as Egypt. Anyone, anyone? Bueller? Because I guess you can't expect anyone at Fox News to be able to locate the country we've been at war with for six friggin' years on a map.

I'm still going to teach him new tricks, though . . .

Earlier this week Woody saw a squirrel on the steps to our deck, took off in a blur of fur, got about halfway down and yelped like he’d been shot. And hey, around here you never know. His momentum carried him down the stairs, where he was standing on three legs, left hind leg pulled up as high as he could get it. I checked him over as well as I could and then he slowly lowered the leg and took a few careful limpy steps. I took him to the vet and it turns out he has a compressed disc in his spine that’s pinching a nerve. We had noticed that he was kind of hopping up the stairs lately and his usually smooth gait was looking a little stiff.

So now he’s on doggie ibuprofen. Apparently the problem is fairly common in “dogs his age” – well, he is seven and I guess that’s middle age for dogs.

Top five signs your dog is getting old:

5. The radio mysteriously keeps getting reset to the station that plays the golden oldies of his youth, way back in 2006.

4. Instead of actually running after the squirrels, he’s now acting as a “squirrel chasing and harassment consultant.”

3. Keeps complaining that other dogs’ butts just don’t smell as good as they used to.

2. Still does that embarrassing humping motion, but now it’s just the way he gets up the stairs.

1. The only yard signs in the neighborhood he didn’t pee on last fall: “McCain 2008.”

How Can We Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?

Is Sarah Palin plain old crazy? Or crazy like a Fox News anchor? She has a lot of armchair psychiatrists reaching for the DSM-IV, but I think she’s the first example of a new disorder: Munchausen’s by Media, in which the afflicted person compulsively uses the media to complain that she’s being victimized by too much media attention.

Top five real reasons Sarah Palin resigned:

5. Gonna catch up on her readin’ and show that damn Katie Couric a thing or two.

4. It was all a ploy to get free publicity for new line of designer chest waders.

3. She doesn’t have any reasons right now, but she’ll find some and bring ‘em to ya.

2. Wanted to be free to sneak off to Argentina to indulge her real passion: hunting water buffalo.

1. Wanted to be free to sneak off to New York to indulge her real passion: hunting David Letterman.

Top five places “missing” governors go:

5. Montana: “Where was I last week -- that’s a good question, son. By the way, have you seen my gun collection? Mighty fine, isn’t it? Now you wanna ask me that again, or do ya figure it’s my own damn business?”

4. California: Anywhere, as long as the travel agency will take an I.O.U.

3. Alaska: Anywhere, as long as the government pays for the trip.

2. North Dakota: off to do something crazy in an exotic foreign destination, like fishing in Manitoba.

1. South Dakota: North Dakota. “And bring yer money!”

Another Day, Another GOP Sex Scandal

It’s been days since there was a Republican sex scandal, so kudos to Governor Mark Sanford for adding the “sneaking off to Argentina” twist, giving us a delightful new euphemism for infidelity in “hiking the Appalachian Trail,” and providing us with emails worthy of a tepid romance novel.

I’m not sure what’s worse: the affair, the lies, or the spelling.

By now we know the routine: the confessional press conference, followed by the inevitable Fox graphic misidentifying the party affiliation of the misbehaving politician.



They do this a lot.





Sometimes it's not even a scandal. Republican lost to a Democrat? Just switch those party affiliations on the graphic.



You have to admire their absolute confidence in the stupidity of their audience. “Just say they’re Dems. Our viewers will never know the difference.”

I can't come in to work today. My car has a virus.

I recently learned that some of my coworkers have cars that run on Microsoft Windows. Oddly, this does not seem to frighten them. Top five signs your car runs on Windows:

5. It takes five minutes to start it up, five minutes to shut it off, and it randomly restarts itself throughout the day.

4. Your engine has more bugs than your windshield.

3. If you use low-octane gas, you get an “invalid fuel format” error.

2. The good news: If you have an accident, it automatically calls for help. The bad news: It calls the Geek Squad.

1. You really, really don’t want to see its Blue Screen of Death.

AC Installation FAIL

This is room 225 of the Comfort Inn in Minot, North Dakota.



“Hey Bob, ya think we need to install this thing so it vents to the outside?”

“Nah, this’ll work just fine.”

Yes, the AC was installed to vent into the hallway. I was in Room 222, so I got a nice blast of hot air every time I went to or from my room. Note to self: when hiring contractors to do stuff like this, be very specific.

“Hey Bob, ya think it matters where the sewage drains out?”

“Nah. They just said to do the plumbing. They didn’t say how.”