5. Pat giving us nice treats on our trip to DGC, like ice cream and listening to Fox News.
4. Relatively bear-free environment, except for Barth when I ask for more changes in the CMS.
3. The four taps on the faucets: hot, cold, lager and stout.
2. Enjoying the sunshine and fresh air of our fabulous rooftop terrace . . . oh damn. Next trip it’s gonna be the Fargo office.
1. Going home and working with Woody, because you guys all look at me funny when I offer to scratch behind your ears. Well, most of you anyway.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
In April and May we start looking for all of those “firsts” that are signs of spring. First robin, April 22. First hummingbird, April 24. First tulips blooming, May 8. First bear sighting, May 16. Dean was going to work Saturday morning when a bear ambled across the road not far from our place. Unperturbed by the car trying to get around him, he sat down in the road to enjoy a snack of roadkill bird. Dean edged closer, revved the engine, honked his horn, and finally the bear reluctantly left his free snack to let Dean get by.
You know you’ve lived in Montana awhile when you hear that and your first question is, “What color was the bear?”
Dean: “Cinnamon. Not too big, around 200 – 250 pounds I’d guess.”
Me: “Was it tall and skinny with a dark brown face and paws?”
Dean: “Nope.”
Me: “Doesn’t sound like the one that used to get into our hummingbird feeders. That was a cinnamon bear, but the face and paws were really dark. And the one that was hanging around here last year was black.”
When someone sees a bear, you want to figure out which bear. This one didn’t sound familiar so maybe it’s new to the area. By now I’m sure the local bears have warned him about the fearsome Woody. “Sometimes he’ll chase you, but sometimes he just stands there and looks at you like a goofball. So if you like raiding bird feeders, give it a shot.”
You know you’ve lived in Montana awhile when you hear that and your first question is, “What color was the bear?”
Dean: “Cinnamon. Not too big, around 200 – 250 pounds I’d guess.”
Me: “Was it tall and skinny with a dark brown face and paws?”
Dean: “Nope.”
Me: “Doesn’t sound like the one that used to get into our hummingbird feeders. That was a cinnamon bear, but the face and paws were really dark. And the one that was hanging around here last year was black.”
When someone sees a bear, you want to figure out which bear. This one didn’t sound familiar so maybe it’s new to the area. By now I’m sure the local bears have warned him about the fearsome Woody. “Sometimes he’ll chase you, but sometimes he just stands there and looks at you like a goofball. So if you like raiding bird feeders, give it a shot.”
Friday, May 15, 2009
Hitting the road next week . . .
Top five highlights of coming to North Dakota:
5. No pesky mountains to get in the way of the view.
4. Like Montana, gun ownership is legal. Unlike Montana, gun ownership is optional.
3. Real electricity! I won’t have to pedal all day to power my laptop.
2. That big sign at the MT/ND border: “Welcome to North Dakota. With 99.9 percent fewer bears.”
1. My squirrel-pelt slippers will be considered a cute novelty rather than a fashion staple.
5. No pesky mountains to get in the way of the view.
4. Like Montana, gun ownership is legal. Unlike Montana, gun ownership is optional.
3. Real electricity! I won’t have to pedal all day to power my laptop.
2. That big sign at the MT/ND border: “Welcome to North Dakota. With 99.9 percent fewer bears.”
1. My squirrel-pelt slippers will be considered a cute novelty rather than a fashion staple.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Everything Old is New Again, Star Trek Edition
In honor of the new Star Trek movie, the top five bestsellers from the original cast:
5. Scotty’s practical yet philosophical “Zen and the Art of Warp Core Maintenance.”
4. Uhura’s searing indictment of Star Fleet’s glass ceiling, “Open Your Own Damned Hailing Frequency.”
3. Spock’s candid memoir, “Nobody Knows the Tribbles I’ve Seen.”
2. Kirk’s racy bio, “Men are from Mars, Green-Skinned Space Babes are from Orion.”
1. Sulu’s racy bio, “Men are from Mars. So When Are We Going to Mars Again?”
5. Scotty’s practical yet philosophical “Zen and the Art of Warp Core Maintenance.”
4. Uhura’s searing indictment of Star Fleet’s glass ceiling, “Open Your Own Damned Hailing Frequency.”
3. Spock’s candid memoir, “Nobody Knows the Tribbles I’ve Seen.”
2. Kirk’s racy bio, “Men are from Mars, Green-Skinned Space Babes are from Orion.”
1. Sulu’s racy bio, “Men are from Mars. So When Are We Going to Mars Again?”
Friday, May 1, 2009
A Chicago man has opened a prison-themed hot dog stand that hires only ex-cons. Top five things on the menu:
5. Misdemeanor Weiner: sure it’ll give you indigestion, but you’ll only be in the bathroom for a few minutes.
4. Felony Frankfurter: for this one, you may be in for 10 – 20.
3. Hamburglary: served up in the window of the chuckwagon. If you can grab it and get away, it’s yours.
2. The Smokey Dog: priced in cigarettes.
1. And because it’s Illinois, the Blagojevich Bratwurst: better get a receipt, because even if the transaction is on tape, they’ll deny they ever tried to sell it to you.
5. Misdemeanor Weiner: sure it’ll give you indigestion, but you’ll only be in the bathroom for a few minutes.
4. Felony Frankfurter: for this one, you may be in for 10 – 20.
3. Hamburglary: served up in the window of the chuckwagon. If you can grab it and get away, it’s yours.
2. The Smokey Dog: priced in cigarettes.
1. And because it’s Illinois, the Blagojevich Bratwurst: better get a receipt, because even if the transaction is on tape, they’ll deny they ever tried to sell it to you.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Top five quotes from First Dog Bo at his first press conference:
5. “To those who have accused me of being a source of White House leaks, I’d like to say that except for that little incident in the Blue Room, I always make it to the Rose Garden in time.”
4. “Yeah, they changed my name from Charlie to Bo. Hey, call me whatever you want as long as you keep the Milk Bones coming.”
3. “I’ve been told I’m not allowed to bite journalists. Fortunately that doesn’t mean I can’t take a chunk out of Bill O’Reilly’s ass if I get the chance.”
2. “So I’m the big story, right? Little pup like me makes it to the big leagues, now I’m top dog, so to speak, the feel-good story of the week, the underdog who becomes a media sensation . . . what? Who the hell is Susan Boyle?”
1. “They had to buy me a new leash. There was one left behind in an office that used to belong to some guy named Cheney, but it had ‘Dubya’ stenciled on it.”
4. “Yeah, they changed my name from Charlie to Bo. Hey, call me whatever you want as long as you keep the Milk Bones coming.”
3. “I’ve been told I’m not allowed to bite journalists. Fortunately that doesn’t mean I can’t take a chunk out of Bill O’Reilly’s ass if I get the chance.”
2. “So I’m the big story, right? Little pup like me makes it to the big leagues, now I’m top dog, so to speak, the feel-good story of the week, the underdog who becomes a media sensation . . . what? Who the hell is Susan Boyle?”
1. “They had to buy me a new leash. There was one left behind in an office that used to belong to some guy named Cheney, but it had ‘Dubya’ stenciled on it.”
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Even the squirrels know better.
The other day we were getting into Dean’s truck to go into town to spring Woody from the kennel. The passenger seat was filled with the usual junk – golf balls, sunglasses, water bottles, and four empty cigarette packs. I shoved most of the stuff behind the seat but put the cigarette packs on the hood of my truck, planning to throw them in the garbage when we got back. Then I promptly forgot about them.
The next day Dean noticed the empty packs on his way to work in the morning. All four were still on the hood of the Honda. But one of them had been chewed on. Only one, which appeared to have been sampled and spit out. In other words, even the friggin’ squirrels know better than to get involved with tobacco products. If only humans were that smart.
So for those of you who deliberately suck that crap into your lungs, the next time you light up, just recall that you are officially dumber than a squirrel.
The next day Dean noticed the empty packs on his way to work in the morning. All four were still on the hood of the Honda. But one of them had been chewed on. Only one, which appeared to have been sampled and spit out. In other words, even the friggin’ squirrels know better than to get involved with tobacco products. If only humans were that smart.
So for those of you who deliberately suck that crap into your lungs, the next time you light up, just recall that you are officially dumber than a squirrel.
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