You know the story by now. A government scandal involving a young woman named Monica and her forbidden passion for a president. She could not be satisfied by long, lingering glances over heavily redacted personnel files. Alone in her office, as she Googled far into the lonely night, she gazed up at the presidential portrait hanging above her, the image so tantalizingly near.
Since she couldn’t give him the one thing he truly wanted – a third war to botch – she gave him a corrupt and hopelessly politicized Department of Justice that pulped every applicant through her bizarre political sieve to strain out the impurities of experience, competence, rational thought and Democratic spouses. And gayness, but that goes without saying.
Top five questions Monica Goodling asked prospective employees of the Justice Department:
5. “If loving Bush is wrong, would you want to be right?”
4. “Okay, I know this is a tough one, but Hoover, Reagan or Bush: which president is the dreamiest?”
3. “Don’t you think that Condi Rice should stay overseas all the time and not hang around the Oval Office making big moony eyes at MY president?”
2. “I know Cheney is hot, but don’t you think Bush is hotter?”
1. “George Bush: great president, or the greatest president?”
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It does raise the question of who would win a four-way deathmatch between Condi, Harriet Miers, Karen Hughes, and Monica. The victor wins privileged access to President Dreamboat. Monica's got youth on her side, but Condi has the tenacity of a pitbull. You just know Karen Hughes would fight dirty. And Harriet? Believe me, you don't want to see her pissed off. Especially not when she's dressed like Lord Humungus from Road Warrior and is armed with a chainsaw and a trident.
Kamper
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