Last week’s mail contained a familiar-looking envelope from the county courthouse. I’m always in the friggin’ jury pool. Top five ways to get out of jury duty:

5. “Sorry I’m late, your honor. I had trouble getting my tin foil hat through the metal detector.”

4. “We’re supposed to vote guilty or not guilty? I thought we were supposed to vote hot or not hot.”

3. “Of course I can be objective. It’s those stupid aliens from Zontar who keep beaming ‘guilty!’ into my brain.”

2. “No offense to the defendant, but I’m saving myself for the trial of the next indicted Congressman.”

1. “I can’t spare the time until after the election. I’m the campaign manager for the next president of the United States.”