Tomorrow Dubya’s little girl Jenna will marry Henry Hager at their ranch photo op backdrop in Crawford, Texas. Alas, my invitation seems to have gone astray, so I’ll have to use my imagination for the top five highlights of the shindig:

5. The look on Laura’s face when Dubya assures her he did too pick up the ice sculptures. “I put them out in the garden last week just to be sure.”

4. Dubya asking the pope on his recent visit if he’d perform the ceremony. “And Crawford’s purty this time of year, so be sure to bring the missus.”

3. When the best man frets that the video crew isn’t around to record his toast, Cheney assures him, “Don’t worry. Just speak clearly into the centerpiece.”

2. The outdoor pavilion is moldy and falling down, the portapotties don’t work, the flowers are wilted and the catering is rancid – maybe they shouldn’t have given that no-bid wedding contract to Halliburton.

1. The father of the bride’s controversial speech at the reception, in which he assures the guests that he as it on good authority that “Laura recently sought significant quantities of yellow cake from Niger.”