Nice Planet. Let's Keep It

Earth happens to be the only planet that’s conveniently located for us, right under our feet and in a nice neighborhood. Good view of the sun. Not too close to that slutty Venus or big bully Mars. Halliburton did get a no-bid contract to build another one for a bajillion dollars, but so far all they have to show for it is a crumbling, leaky asteroid with unfinished landscapes, rancid water and unbreathable air. So they’re submitting a bill for cost overruns of a kajillion dollars since the planet is “pre-polluted for your convenience.”

So why April 22? If Wikipedia is to be believed, that date was chosen because it’s the birthday of actor and environmentalist Eddie Albert. I’m sure he recycled all his cow manure as fertilizer, and he did like to wax poetic about watching the little sprouts shooting up toward the sun and sky. Usually with fife music and everything. But April 22 is also the birthday of Vladimir Lenin, thus proving that clean air and water are some kind of commie plot. Quoth the Wiki:

Time reported that some suspected the date was not a coincidence, but a clue that the event was "a Communist trick," and quoted a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution saying, "Subversive elements plan to make American children live in an environment that is good for them."

The bastards.

Top five ways the administration plans to celebrate Earth Day:

5. Carefully collect and recycle the water used in the whole day’s waterboardings.

4. Pass legislation for electronic-only voting, to save paper, trees and Republican officeholders.

3. Put Cheney into “standby” mode to save on battery power.

2. Throw a nice reception with a beautiful ice sculpture made from the last remnants of the Arctic ice cap.

1. Sign a presidential proclamation officially naming April 22 as “Earth Day.” And a signing statement officially naming the rest of the year the usual “Screw the Earth” day.

And if enlightened self-interest or concern for future generations isn’t motivation enough to take care of the only planet we have, remember this: if we destroy it, the mice will be furious.