What time is it? It's stupid time!

Yesterday one of Dean’s coworkers went on a rant against daylight savings time.

“I don’t see why I have to lose an hour every spring. That’s just stupid. Arizona doesn’t have daylight savings time, because they have enough sunlight and they don’t need to save any. If they had an extra hour of sunlight, they’d just use more electricity for air conditioning. The government shouldn’t be telling me how to set my clocks.” I think it goes without saying that the guy is an avid fan of Fox News.

I gotta give Dean credit. He boldly waded into the deep, murky waters of stupidity, trying to explain. The guy cut him off as a great idea occurred to him.

“We should just change in the fall and not in the spring. I don’t mind gaining an hour in the fall, but I hate losing an hour in the spring. So we should just change the clocks once a year instead of twice.”

He saw absolutely nothing wrong with this plan. In fact, he thought it was brilliant.

Dean knew when to give in.

Thanks again, sweN xoF

Okay, they didn’t exactly get this one backwards. More like sideways. Need to show the “union thugs,” AKA teachers, policemen, firemen etc. in Wisconsin being violent? Well, here’s just how bad these union thugs are. They refuse to act thuggish, even when the Fox camera crews schlepped all the way to Wisconsin in the dead of winter. Couldn’t they kindly oblige them and show some true Midwestern kindness and hospitality by cracking a few skulls? No?

Fine, you jerks. Be “nice.” We’ll just show some other footage. Pay no attention to the palm trees in the background. They were . . . uh, planted in Wisconsin by those damned global warming hoaxers.

More fun facts: how many right-wing union-bashers are union members? Well, for starters there’s Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin, all members of AFL-CIO-affiliated unions.

“In the same segment where O'Reilly blamed government financial woes on union benefits, he not only said he was an AFTRA member, but that his membership had benefited him in the past:

‘On a personal note, I'm a member of a union, AFTRA, and when I was working at Inside Edition some years ago, the King World company tried to renege on pension benefits," said O'Reilly. "AFTRA took them to court and the case was settled. If the shop had been non-union, we might have been stiffed.’”

Thanks, sweN xoF!

Here’s a recent poll in the USA Today:

Americans strongly oppose laws taking away the collective bargaining power of public employee unions, according to a new USA TODAY/Gallup Poll. The poll found 61% would oppose a law in their state similar to such a proposal in Wisconsin, compared with 33% who would favor such a law.

Here’s how it was reported on Fox & Friends:

KILMEADE: And here is the question that was posed, should you take away--will you favor or are you in disfavor of taking away collective bargaining when it comes to salaries for government workers? 61% In favor of taking it away. 33% oppose. 6% up in the air.

Don’t like the poll results? Just report it backwards! Thanks, sweN xoF!

Once again: reality – 

sweN xoF:

Deader to me

Turner Classic Movies has a big glossy insert in Vanity Fair (also dead to me, see previous post) promoting “31 Days of Oscar,” featuring trivia questions about Oscar-winning movies. Question #7:

“Producer Hal B. Wallis nearly made which character in Casablanca a female, considering Lena Horne and Ella Fitzgerald for the role?”

Well, duh. Sam of course. In case you’re an idiot they even provide a hint: “You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh. The fundamental things apply as time goes by.” Double duh.

The answer is in teensy print at the bottom of the page: “Sam (played in the film by Louis Armstrong)”

What the effing effing eff? Louis Armstrong? Seriously? One of the most iconic roles of all time in a true movie classic. Louis freaking Armstrong? TCM, have you ever SEEN Casablanca? TCM, you are dead to me.

Dead to me

I don’t think it can be scientifically proven that each new edition of Vanity Fair is not in fact a copy of every Vanity Fair ever. Every single issue contains:

1. A celebrity interview for me to ignore. I already know more than I need to about Cher, thank you very much.

2. Disconnected ramblings from Graydon Carter, who has been dead to me since Spy magazine folded.

3. One good, well-researched article about an actual news topic: – the Bernie Madoff scandal, the real estate meltdown, Wikileaks, Goldman Sachs. Bethany McLean’s reporting on business and finance is excellent.

4. The obligatory story about the Kennedys. Jackie as a fashion icon. The real story behind the Bay of Pigs. Jackie’s childhood. Jackie’s career as an editor. This month it’s JFK’s inaugural: “The Bash that Launched Camelot!” By now they have to be scraping the bottom of this well-worn barrel. Next month, maybe . . . oh, I don’t know . . . “Camelot on a platter: Jackie’s state dinner menus”?

5. The inane “My Stuff” feature. I don’t think anyone on the planet needs to know which toothpaste Rihanna uses.

6. The obligatory one-page feature on a European socialite who recently launched her line of: 1. children’s clothing, 2. luxury spa products, or 3. gourmet cupcakes.

7. The obligatory feature on a 40-year-old “celebrity” crime, complete with black and white photos to convince us that the victims, defendants, or both were indeed famous in 1972. You’d think they’d stop now that Dominick Dunne is not only dead to me, but actually dead.

8. The obligatory feature on an actress whose career peaked in the ‘60s. Is there really anything more to say about Elizabeth Taylor, Angie Dickinson or Marilyn Monroe? Stop it.

9. A two-page jumble of tiny pictures of rich people at parties.

10. Something from Christopher Hitchens, which is generally worth reading.

Of course the cover is always graced by a celebrity. Approximately 30% of their covers feature Angelina Jolie, with 30% of the photo featuring her cleavage. This month’s issue arrived the other day, and on the cover is . . . hey, it’s not Angelina Jolie! It’s . . . Justin Bieber. Covered in lipstick smears. With the breathless promise of a full feature interview inside!

Vanity Fair, you are dead to me.

Noooooo!

This is just wrong.

Sarah Palin vs. Bag of Hammers

There’s one question that has been nagging sentient Americans since August of 2008 (Thanks sooo much, John McCain): Is Sarah Palin dumber than a bag of hammers? Let’s check the facts:

1. While hammers have been known to draw blood, particularly in my clumsy hands, they have never used the loaded phrase “blood libel,” and thus could not have used it in the appalling context of the shooting of a Jewish congresswoman. Advantage: hammers.

2. No hammer has made millions of dollars spouting the same platitudes over and over. (Tom “The Hammer” Delay doesn’t count, as he is not an actual hammer and will not have access to hammers for the next three years or so.) Advantage: Palin.

3. Hammers do not read newspapers. Neither does Palin. Tie.

4. Hammers are useful, serve a necessary purpose, and when not in use, lie quietly in tool chests and junk drawers. Advantage: hammers.

5. Hammers do not have Twitter or Facebook accounts. Advantage: Palin.

6. Hammers don’t use Twitter or Facebook to post inane ramblings, veiled slurs and made-up words. Advantage: hammers.

7. Hammers don’t spend half their time courting media attention and the other half attacking the media for all the attention. Advantage: hammers.

The hammers have it.