He's baaack . . .

This year we’ve had a cold, wet spring, so I’m late at getting anything planted. Yesterday I got a few flowers in hanging baskets and pots. I was just sitting down to enjoy my handiwork when a black bear showed up. He came around the side of the house and headed toward the stairs of the deck where Woody and I were sitting.

At least Woody was awake this time. He charged at the bear, barking like crazy, and it took off into the area behind the house. He lingered a bit in the scrubby bushes behind the house, looking back now and then as if he was trying to figure us out. Damn bears are very curious critters. But eventually he wandered off. He was about the same size as the bear who was getting into my feeders last year. He also showed up first on the day I planted my flowers, so maybe he’s just into gardening.

You can barely see him in this pic – he’s the black blob in the middle, turning around to check us out.

I took the sunflower seed feeders in last night, but left the hummingbird feeders up for now. We have loads of hummingbirds this year and I don’t want them to leave, so the feeders will stay up unless the bears start getting into them. Maybe Woody’s fearsome charge was enough to scare him away for good.

Critter Cam

We have a bumper crop of hummingbirds this year, so I set my webcam up in a windowsill and I’m streaming it most weekdays, for those of you who need another time-waster in your workday. I had originally called the page “hummercam,” but found that a page with that name, on a blog called “Woody,” seemed to be attracting a lot of traffic from Republican congressman, so I edited a bit.

On the general critter front, the raccoons are back. Or at least one was casually helping himself to sunflower seeds from one of my bird feeders Tuesday evening. That feeder came down, but they don’t seem interested in the hummingbird feeders, so they can stay up unless the bears come around.

Top five alternative places to set up a webcam around here:

5. A crittercam on the deck, to watch for squirrels, raccoons, bears, and the common Montana “gun-toting, government-hating loner.”

4. A dogcam around Woody’s neck, so you could see some random patch of sky as he naps through the critter invasions.

3. A kitchencam. We’re still paying for the remodel so we can damn well get some use out of it.

2. A fireplace cam. Just like one of those fireplace DVDs, only in blurry, jerky, super-low resolution!

1. A drivewaycam, so I can be on the alert for the approach of escaped burglars, wannabe celebrity kidnappers, and lost people I can inadvertently scare the crap out of.

New Rules*

New rule: If you’re going to make money from doing it, you need to have a plan to fix it if it goes wrong. Newer rule: If you expect taxpayers to pick up the tab when things go wrong, then we get a share of the profits when things go right. Newest rule: When Kevin Costner has a better grip on your engineering problem than your engineers, it’s time to take the BP execs, dunk them in their own toxic chemical stew, and put them in jail like the criminals they are.

Seriously. Kevin Costner.

But as usual, Rush Limbaugh knows where to lay the blame. The responsible party is . . . the Sierra Club. Seriously. The Sierra Club. I guess by that reasoning, if we have an outbreak of polio, we can lay the blame squarely at the door of that bastard Jonas Salk.

Top five things BP could use to plug up that oil well:

5. That big furball on Donald Trump’s head, ‘cause it’s not doing him any favors.

4. The bales of cash that BP is raking in every day -- $93 million is pretty absorbent.

3. Rush Limbaugh’s ego.

2. Rush Limbaugh.

1. Finally! An appropriate use for all those unsold copies of Waterworld.

*With apologies to Bill Maher for borrowing his shtick.

Top five signs you're way too much into the whole social media thing:

5. You have a near-death experience and all your Facebook status updates flash before your eyes.

4. Your spouse asks what channel you want to watch and you say, “#p2 or #EdHead – anything but #tcot.”

3. You’re expecting, and you whittle down the list of potential baby names by checking to see which ones are available on Twitter.

2. You apply to the Department of Agriculture for a Farmville subsidy.

1. Your favorite holiday is #FollowFriday.

Seriously, another one?

This isn’t even funny any more. Okay, yes it is. George Rekers is the latest anti-gay gay-curing conservative “family values” crusader to get caught with his hand in the – well, let’s say cookie jar. He says he took rent-boy “Geo” along on his European trip to “carry his luggage.” So that’s what they’re calling it these days.

George Rekers’ top five excuses:

5. I thought I was renting from Craigslist. Turns out I was renting from LarryCraigsList.

4. Gaycation – that’s short for great vacation, right?

3. Sure, I took a Rent-boy – I love that musical.

2. I wasn’t trying to rent a guy named Geo. I was trying to rent a Chevy Geo.

1. I made an honest mistake. Next time I’ll be sure I’m getting a straight, conservative, patriotic luggage-carrier by Googling for a “teabagger.”

#2 is, of course, demonstrably false. No one has ever deliberately rented a Chevy Geo.

Throw a quad. Then throw that outfit.

It’s hard to go over the top when it comes to figure skating costumes, but when you’re wearing an outfit that Lady Gaga might consider “too much,” it might be time to hire a stylist who will pare back the sequins a bit.

Top five actual Salon review comments about the outfits in men’s figure skating:

5. "Czech Michal Brezina is dressed as a bedazzled golfer."

4. "Lysaceck takes to the ice wearing the evil alien villain garb from 'Superman.'"

3. "Plushenko, dressed in a sequined faux-tie and faux-vest, looks like a carnival barker trapped in a gay disco."

2. "Viktor Pfeifer looks like your average gawky high school cross country runner who happened into the wrong dressing room and emerged dressed like Krystal Carrington in dinner party attire."

1. "Finally, Johnny Weir is here! Wearing a costume that conjures a late-night vampire raid on Frederick's of Hollywood."

Next up: ice dancing, then the women’s skating. I don’t know if the scoring rules have changed, but I do know the costume rules never change. If they’re wearing feathers, they’ll skate to “Firebird.” If the woman is wearing a poufy white skirt with a little apron and has ribbons in her hair and the man’s in an embroidered vest, their routine is “inspired by a folk dance.” If they’re dressed like mimes, it’s a good time to go get a snack and a fresh beverage.

In women’s figure skating, feathers = “Swan Lake.” Unless you’re Oksana Baiul, who inexplicably put feathers on everything. A little sequined cap = “Juliet.” Red and black dress with extra flouncy skirt and little black pick hair ornament = “Carmen.” And if you’re Johnny Weir, well, screw the judges. You ROCKED that pink tassel.

Just keeping things handy . . .

Why does Sarah Palin write her talking points on her hand? Because she can. Who needs stupid things like “nuanced answers” containing “facts” when you can boil it down to four three empty catchphrases? Simple thoughts for simple people.

Top five things other people are writing on their hands:

5. Jay Leno: 10 pm 11:30 pm

4. Conan O’Brien: 11:30 pm Sleep in, eat Cheetos, repeat.

3. Tiger Woods: I’m sorry. So sorry. So very, very sorry. (continued on other hand)

2. John Mayer: I’m stupid. So stupid. So very, very stupid. (continued on other hand)

1. Brett Favre: Working Retired Working. Go Packers Jets Vikings

I would have included Glenn Beck but I don’t know how to make an insanely complicated batsh*t-crazy conspiracy diagram in HTML.