So, what’s it been like in Bismarck, North Dakota this week? An ice jam to the north, an ice jam to the south, and in between a whole lot of worried residents. But also a whole lot of volunteers. And the good news is the waters are receding.
Top five things Bismarck really needs right now:
5. To control those ice jams: sharks with friggin’ laser beams on their heads.
4. Some *real* sandbaggers. Because when the call for sandbaggers went out, it didn’t help when all Dean’s old golf buddies showed up.
3. For all those real sandbaggers: 100-gallon drums filled with Aspercreme, Ben-Gay and Icy Hot.
2. A frosty mug of beer. A nice glass of merlot. A stiff shot of tequila. A drink of anything, anything except icy water.
1. The world’s biggest ShamWow.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Damn you, Tina Fey
She totally stole my idea for getting out of jury duty by dressing up as Princess Leia and claiming to be a hologram. So far I still have the jury duty thing coming up Monday. I'll find out after 5 today if the case is still going to trial.
Top five excuses for getting out of jury duty:
5. "Aww, come on, who *hasn't* gotten drunk, stolen a bulldozer and knocked down some trees and a power line or two? Around here, that's considered a great first date."
4. "Can Woody sit in the jury box with me? He's my 'human whisperer.'"
3. "Let's skip all the boring testimony and stuff and get straight to the Chewbacca defense."
2. “Could you explain the charges in 140 characters or less? I gotta Twitter this.”
1. "Sorry I sat in the wrong place, your honor. I'm just so used to being the defendant."
Top five excuses for getting out of jury duty:
5. "Aww, come on, who *hasn't* gotten drunk, stolen a bulldozer and knocked down some trees and a power line or two? Around here, that's considered a great first date."
4. "Can Woody sit in the jury box with me? He's my 'human whisperer.'"
3. "Let's skip all the boring testimony and stuff and get straight to the Chewbacca defense."
2. “Could you explain the charges in 140 characters or less? I gotta Twitter this.”
1. "Sorry I sat in the wrong place, your honor. I'm just so used to being the defendant."
Friday, March 6, 2009
Seems like I’m always in the pool for jury duty. I served once in North Dakota, but that doesn’t count out here so I’m on standby for a case on March 16. The ND case was a boring DUI. I’m sure they’ll have more interesting cases in Montana.
Top five possibilities for a Montana trial:
5. Failure to obey the state’s gun laws. By not owning enough of them.
4. Giving aid and comfort to enemy squirrels by supplying sunflower seeds . . . hey, wait a minute. Woody’s been using my subpoena-o-matic again. Bad dog!
3. Murder. Although “the sumbitch needed killing, yer honor” is considered a strong defense out here.
2. Being a tree-hugging feminist blue-voting Obama-suppporting liberal Democrat. Oh my god. It’s a trick. I’m not on jury duty. I’m the defendant!
1. Assaultwith on an antler.
This one needs an explanation. Awhile back there was a typical “police blotter” story on the news about a man who had beaten his wife with an elk antler. It stirred up some local outrage. See, the antler was a prize trophy worth quite a few points on the Boone and Crocket scale. And he broke it. Guy beating his wife? Meh. Guy breaking a trophy elk antler – now THAT got people pissed off.
If you don’t hear from me after March 16, #2 was probably correct. I’d ask my co-workers to be witnesses for the defense, but you all know I’m guilty as hell.
Top five possibilities for a Montana trial:
5. Failure to obey the state’s gun laws. By not owning enough of them.
4. Giving aid and comfort to enemy squirrels by supplying sunflower seeds . . . hey, wait a minute. Woody’s been using my subpoena-o-matic again. Bad dog!
3. Murder. Although “the sumbitch needed killing, yer honor” is considered a strong defense out here.
2. Being a tree-hugging feminist blue-voting Obama-suppporting liberal Democrat. Oh my god. It’s a trick. I’m not on jury duty. I’m the defendant!
1. Assault
This one needs an explanation. Awhile back there was a typical “police blotter” story on the news about a man who had beaten his wife with an elk antler. It stirred up some local outrage. See, the antler was a prize trophy worth quite a few points on the Boone and Crocket scale. And he broke it. Guy beating his wife? Meh. Guy breaking a trophy elk antler – now THAT got people pissed off.
If you don’t hear from me after March 16, #2 was probably correct. I’d ask my co-workers to be witnesses for the defense, but you all know I’m guilty as hell.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Mmmm, snowy snowy snow
On Wednesday, as the last remnants of snow were melting under a light rain and the air was smelling all fresh and piney, I had the temerity to say, “Looks like spring might come early this year.”
Then came Thursday. That’s a foot and a half of fresh powder. Woody was one happy pup – until he realized the snow was over his head and he couldn’t get up or down the stairs from our deck. But I’m sure he’ll just eat himself a pathway.
On the bright side, the electricity was only out for a few hours last night and we already had nice fire going to keep the upstairs warm when the power went out.
Top five things to do in Montana when the electricity goes off:
5. Roast your squirrel the old-fashioned way, over a fire of lodgepole pine, Douglas fir, and the charred remains of the last guy who strayed across your property line.
4. Pee outside. Just like you always do, but now you have a reason.
3. “Eat snow! Eat more snow! Wonderful, delicious, fluffy beautiful snow! Eat snow!”
2. “What is this ‘electricity’ of which you speak?”
1. “Dean, we have to drink all the wine in the fridge before it goes bad.”
“Uh, Karen, the wine’s not going to go bad.”
“Shut up and drink.”
Then came Thursday. That’s a foot and a half of fresh powder. Woody was one happy pup – until he realized the snow was over his head and he couldn’t get up or down the stairs from our deck. But I’m sure he’ll just eat himself a pathway.
On the bright side, the electricity was only out for a few hours last night and we already had nice fire going to keep the upstairs warm when the power went out. Top five things to do in Montana when the electricity goes off:
5. Roast your squirrel the old-fashioned way, over a fire of lodgepole pine, Douglas fir, and the charred remains of the last guy who strayed across your property line.
4. Pee outside. Just like you always do, but now you have a reason.
3. “Eat snow! Eat more snow! Wonderful, delicious, fluffy beautiful snow! Eat snow!”
2. “What is this ‘electricity’ of which you speak?”
1. “Dean, we have to drink all the wine in the fridge before it goes bad.”
“Uh, Karen, the wine’s not going to go bad.”
“Shut up and drink.”
Friday, February 20, 2009
Rockin' Republicans Need Your Help
In a quirky celebration of irrelevance and obstructionism, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor posted a YouTube video disparaging the stimulus bill, set to Aerosmith’s “Back in the Saddle.” Not quite sure why he chose that song. Maybe the Republicans wanted tax cuts to the crucial "cowboys and hookers" sector of the economy to be a cornerstone of the stimulus package or something.
Alas, pesky copyright issues reared their heads, so the video was taken down. So those rockin’ Republicans will have to come up with something new. Now if Dubya were still in office, a great choice would be Warren Zevon’s anthem to frat-boy screw-ups with rich daddies: “Lawyers, Guns and Money.” Because the sh*t has certainly hit the fan.
Top five other suggested theme songs for the Republican party:
5. “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To”
4. “Fool on the Hill”
3. “Desperado”
2. “Running on Empty”
And for those governors with presidential ambitions who are posturing about turning down their states’ share of the stimulus – you know damn well what you’ll end up doing.
1. “Take the Money and Run”
Hmmm. I’m not sure any of those choices conveys the right combination of manufactured outrage at liberal boogeymen, genuine outrage about being out of power, and – here’s the tricky part – genuine cluelessness about how to conduct themselves as a minority party. Perhaps with a dash of “screw the country as long as I get re-elected.” If you have some better suggestions, comment away.
Alas, pesky copyright issues reared their heads, so the video was taken down. So those rockin’ Republicans will have to come up with something new. Now if Dubya were still in office, a great choice would be Warren Zevon’s anthem to frat-boy screw-ups with rich daddies: “Lawyers, Guns and Money.” Because the sh*t has certainly hit the fan.
Top five other suggested theme songs for the Republican party:
5. “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To”
4. “Fool on the Hill”
3. “Desperado”
2. “Running on Empty”
And for those governors with presidential ambitions who are posturing about turning down their states’ share of the stimulus – you know damn well what you’ll end up doing.
1. “Take the Money and Run”
Hmmm. I’m not sure any of those choices conveys the right combination of manufactured outrage at liberal boogeymen, genuine outrage about being out of power, and – here’s the tricky part – genuine cluelessness about how to conduct themselves as a minority party. Perhaps with a dash of “screw the country as long as I get re-elected.” If you have some better suggestions, comment away.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Top five least romantic things to hear from your Valentine’s Day date:
5. “Honey, we don’t need some fancy high-priced restaurant version of surf ‘n turf. Now at least try my fishsticks with beef gravy.”
4. “Mind if we skip dessert? Because my work-release ends in, like, half an hour.”
3. “So you see, I’m living proof that you can pray away the gay.”
2. “Some persnickety doctors might call them boils. I call them love bumps on the highway to heaven.”
1. “Don’t worry – I’m sure my stimulus package will start working any time now.”
5. “Honey, we don’t need some fancy high-priced restaurant version of surf ‘n turf. Now at least try my fishsticks with beef gravy.”
4. “Mind if we skip dessert? Because my work-release ends in, like, half an hour.”
3. “So you see, I’m living proof that you can pray away the gay.”
2. “Some persnickety doctors might call them boils. I call them love bumps on the highway to heaven.”
1. “Don’t worry – I’m sure my stimulus package will start working any time now.”
Friday, February 6, 2009
Groundhog Day
Top five highlights of Groundhog Day:
5. All those hilarious “Gobbler’s Knob” jokes.
4. In an effort to grab the spotlight, local squirrels predict six more weeks of “being chased up trees all the time by that damned Woody.”
3. The North Dakota version: you either get an early spring, or six more months of winter.
2. The Montana version: by sunrise the groundhog’s been shot and field-dressed, but technically it’s still casting a shadow.
1. Punxsutawney Phil’s confident prediction: six more weeks of squabbling about the stimulus bill.
5. All those hilarious “Gobbler’s Knob” jokes.
4. In an effort to grab the spotlight, local squirrels predict six more weeks of “being chased up trees all the time by that damned Woody.”
3. The North Dakota version: you either get an early spring, or six more months of winter.
2. The Montana version: by sunrise the groundhog’s been shot and field-dressed, but technically it’s still casting a shadow.
1. Punxsutawney Phil’s confident prediction: six more weeks of squabbling about the stimulus bill.
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