Seems like I’m always in the pool for jury duty. I served once in North Dakota, but that doesn’t count out here so I’m on standby for a case on March 16. The ND case was a boring DUI. I’m sure they’ll have more interesting cases in Montana.

Top five possibilities for a Montana trial:

5. Failure to obey the state’s gun laws. By not owning enough of them.

4. Giving aid and comfort to enemy squirrels by supplying sunflower seeds . . . hey, wait a minute. Woody’s been using my subpoena-o-matic again. Bad dog!

3. Murder. Although “the sumbitch needed killing, yer honor” is considered a strong defense out here.

2. Being a tree-hugging feminist blue-voting Obama-suppporting liberal Democrat. Oh my god. It’s a trick. I’m not on jury duty. I’m the defendant!

1. Assault with on an antler.

This one needs an explanation. Awhile back there was a typical “police blotter” story on the news about a man who had beaten his wife with an elk antler. It stirred up some local outrage. See, the antler was a prize trophy worth quite a few points on the Boone and Crocket scale. And he broke it. Guy beating his wife? Meh. Guy breaking a trophy elk antler – now THAT got people pissed off.

If you don’t hear from me after March 16, #2 was probably correct. I’d ask my co-workers to be witnesses for the defense, but you all know I’m guilty as hell.