Top five least romantic things to hear from your Valentine’s Day date:

5. “Honey, we don’t need some fancy high-priced restaurant version of surf ‘n turf. Now at least try my fishsticks with beef gravy.”

4. “Mind if we skip dessert? Because my work-release ends in, like, half an hour.”

3. “So you see, I’m living proof that you can pray away the gay.”

2. “Some persnickety doctors might call them boils. I call them love bumps on the highway to heaven.”

1. “Don’t worry – I’m sure my stimulus package will start working any time now.”