Smoked salmon, an aquarium pump and a cocktail shaker

So why did a cop follow Dean home last week? It involves an aquarium pump, smoked salmon and a cocktail shaker.

I’ve been trying to perfect a salmon smoking technique. I’ve tried using our smoker, but I need to keep the heat very low. When I turn the heat down, it stops smoking. When I turn it up so we get smoke, it’s too hot. We decided we need a cold source of smoke so we can control the smoke and the heat separately. Dean Googled and came up with a cheap and simple way to make a cold smoke generator – drill holes in the bottom of a cocktail shaker, put a pipe on top and hook an aquarium pump to one end.

He picked up a cocktail shaker and aquarium pump, and gave them to a friend who does a lot of HVAC work who was going to make the metal tubing for the top. When he got home from this errand, the first thing he said was, “A cop followed me all the way home. That was weird.” We live eight miles out in the country, so yeah, that was a little weird. Until I figured from the cop’s point of view, it looked like this:

A guy in an eye-catching shiny sports car drives up to a bar, but he doesn’t go in. Instead he gets out of the car holding a small package and walks up to another guy in the parking lot. He holds the bag open, the guy looks inside and nods. If the cop is close enough to overhear any conversation, the words “smoke” and “smoking” are featured prominently. As in “oh yeah, I can get some good smoke out of this.” He hands the bag over and they go their separate ways.

Dean: “Oh crap, he thought he was watching a drug deal.” Just then his phone buzzed – a text message from his friend. “A cop car followed me all the way home – WTF?”

Dean doesn't drive the 280Z every day, but it's the only one in town and it definitely draws attention. He can probably expect to attract some unwanted attention from the cops every time he drives the Z in the near future.

The Easter Bunny's Top 5 Complaints About His Job

5. Hugh Hefner insisting that I cut up his food for him. I keep telling him I’m not that kind of bunny . . .

4. Constant nagging from the Tooth Fairy – “Why can’t you switch to sugarless jelly beans? You know what my workload will be next month?”

3. The crappy breakfasts. Ever try a Denver omelet made with Cadbury eggs?

2. The Washington deliveries - Republicans say giving children free candy makes them too dependent on mythical rabbits, Democrats say the eggs are too high in cholesterol, and John Boehner just cries no matter what’s in his basket.

1. All the legal hassles for deliveries to North Dakota since eggs were granted “chickenhood” status.

Top Five Signs of Spring

5. North Dakota’s down to its last five feet of snow.

4. Carnival Cruise passengers have more daylight to scrounge for food as their crippled ships get towed back to shore.

3. No robins this year – they’ve been furloughed by the sequester.

2. John Boehner’s tan has faded to burnt umber.

1. It’s March Madness in Washington: President Obama makes his picks, and Mitch McConnell immediately moves to filibuster his bracket.

Top 5 Effects of Corporations Getting the Vote

Sadly, this proposal to let corporations vote may not be the stupidest measure ever put forth in the Montana legislature. It’s a tough call – there’s the guy who demanded that his legislative salary be paid in gold, and the guy who put forward a drunk driving measure . . . in favor of it. 

So if corporations are people, my friends, and they get to vote, they can be tried, convicted and sent to jail when they commit a crime, right? Right? Oh, we just keep bailing them out with taxpayer dollars instead? Yeah, figures. 

 Top 5 effects of corporations getting the vote: 

5. “Election Day” is now “BOGO Day” – buy one vote, get one free! 

4. Voter loyalty program – use your card every time you vote, and get up to 10% off the purchase of your next Senator.

3. Fast food executives have the option of supersizing their votes. 

2. Absentee votes can always be cast from the Cayman Islands.

1. At the next “Presidents’ Day Blowout!” you can buy an actual president.

Roadkill Bill

The Montana legislature is finally getting to the important matters in doing the people’s business – making it legal to eat roadkill. Top five results of the roadkill bill:

5. Montana’s driver’s license test includes road rules, safety, and field dressing the carcass of your choice.

4. New tourism slogan: “Come for the scenery, stay for the bloated, fly-specked, buzzard-pecked elk steak!”

3. New deer crossing signs feature a knife and fork.

2. In an unrelated matter, a program that feeds the elderly has been renamed “Meals Under Wheels.”

1. Unofficial new state motto: “We’re all Honey Boo Boo now." 

Abbottabad = fun!

Top five fun facts about the amusement park being built in Abbottabad,Pakistan:

5. They don’t issue tourist maps – just keep looking for a few years and you’ll find it.

4. Popular ride for kiddies features the irritating theme song, “It’s a small jihad after all.”

3. Instead of the seven dwarves, it’s “Snow White and Seal Team Six.”

2. About its trademark attraction – well, let’s just say “you will get wet on this ride.”

1. Opens at 10 a.m., closes at zero dark thirty.

Yeah, this was my fault but . . .

 . . . the birds are hungry. Yesterday afternoon the bare branches of the tree by our deck were full of chickadees, nuthatches and finches, all hungrily eying the empty hook where our bird feeder usually hangs. So I put it back up. I figured I’d take it down after a couple of hours. The birds swarmed the thing in no time. It’s been snowy and cold, and food is getting scarce.

Sooooo . . . yeah, I forgot to take it down. Shortly after dark we heard something on the deck. Damn, that bear is back. He’s BIG. Some of the bears around here aren’t all that big but this guy is huge. He’s pawing at the bird feeder again. Well, last time we turned on the lights and he ran off. This time the lights are already on. Crap. Dean opened the patio door a crack and yelled at him, and he ran off the deck.

But he didn’t leave. He went just far enough up in the back yard to be out of the light and hunkered down. We could see the outline of a big dark furry mass behind some bushes. Apparently he was waiting for us to go away so he could come back. We took the bird feeder down, of course. Then Dean got out the gun. I guess I should say “gun” – it’s a little pop gun we use to scare the squirrels away. He fired off a few shots and we saw this big dark furry form move farther back into the trees.

This morning the birds are all over that tree again, waiting for me to hang up the feeder, but it’s staying down until it’s cold enough for the bears to den up for the winter. We had snow and freezing rain last night, and that bear’s big paw prints are still there on the deck. Sorry birds.