A 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic cop is suing Victoria’s Secret for an injury she suffered while putting on what she claims is a defective thong. She says a piece of metal flew off the thong and hit her in the eye, scratching her cornea. It’s easy to say that if you choose to wear a thong bedecked with heart-shaped rhinestones, you’re on your own, but we must consider the danger that defective skanky underwear poses to our nation’s trollops, cross-dressing Congressmen, and seriously deluded 52-year-old traffic cops. A word of advice, hon: stay away from the really dangerous stuff, like underwire bras. You’ll really poke your eye out.

Top 5 other underwear-related lawsuits:

5. Pamela Anderson vs. her ex-husbands and Victoria’s Secret for failure to provide adequate support.

4. Class action lawsuit against Fruit of the Loom for the psychological damage caused by “plumber’s butt.”

3. Another class action lawsuit against Victoria’s Secret on behalf of every woman who ever shopped there because “This $42 bra and $28 pair of panties didn’t make me look exactly like Gisele Bundchen.”

2. William Shatner: Let’s just say the lawsuit contains the phrase “total collapse of the structural integrity field” and leave it at that.

1. Little Billy vs. Spiderman Underoos for failure to include a warning label on the dangers of atomic wedgies.