Birthers and deathers: cradle to grave crazy

Thanks to what passes for “journalism” these days, we know that the two most important issues facing our country are:

1. Obama not only wasn’t born in America, he probably wasn’t even born at all, and
2. The illegitimate non-born un-president wants to kill your grandmother.

Top five other things the birthers and the deathers want you to know about Obama:

5. As a kid in 1969, he faked the moon landing with a bucket of army soldiers, a volleyball and a Kodak Super 8.

4. Of course he’s a vampire. Duh. The only question is whether he’s an angsty Twilight type, a brooding-sexy TrueBlood type, or a just-plain-mean Buffy type.

3. He’s going to get the government involved in Medicare!

2. Of course he wants to kill your grandma. How else is he supposed to conquer the world with an army of grandma zombies?

1. His stupid health care plan doesn’t even cover the basics, like dog booties.