So, what’s it been like in Bismarck, North Dakota this week? An ice jam to the north, an ice jam to the south, and in between a whole lot of worried residents. But also a whole lot of volunteers. And the good news is the waters are receding.

Top five things Bismarck really needs right now:

5. To control those ice jams: sharks with friggin’ laser beams on their heads.

4. Some *real* sandbaggers. Because when the call for sandbaggers went out, it didn’t help when all Dean’s old golf buddies showed up.

3. For all those real sandbaggers: 100-gallon drums filled with Aspercreme, Ben-Gay and Icy Hot.

2. A frosty mug of beer. A nice glass of merlot. A stiff shot of tequila. A drink of anything, anything except icy water.

1. The world’s biggest ShamWow.